poetry critical

online poetry workshop

I'll Punch Your Poetic Face

till you bleed burgundy
I’ll write on your tongue
so every word you speak
is no longer volatile
blue bourbon disgrace,
lepers crawl from your pen,
disease each page
you’ve been deemed
pretentious artist
so reach for your noose,
bleed the ink from your wrist
and write your masterpiece
from the wasteland

13 Apr 12

Rated 10 (8.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 10, 10
Inactive (29): 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(173 more poems by this author)

(18 users consider this poem a favorite)

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thanks man.  I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.  
 — JKWeb

 — mandolyn

This is what happens to good poets who try to get their kudos at this site. A little affected anger goes the slacker way
 — unknown

Great title!  14-15--nicely rendered ending.  I like.
 — sybarite

shaped like a teardrop
-probably too much poetry there. its a kind of mash of art style word logs anyway, that you can play it straight sometimes too, let your thoughts master the simple traction of time and space. let an image wash into the sea.
 — DeformedLion

do it!
 — unknown

The title is very fierce.  Blue bourbon disgrace...lovely line.  The tear drop noose is a nice touch to an angry poem.  

We have all been deemed pretentious here, especially by Unknowns who hide within their own pretentions.

Suicide by pen!  
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle unknowns are not a sub genre they can be as truthful as knowns. If the poet takes risks with style and intentioned imagery then the site will have served its purpose a critique rendered
 — unknown

gracias everyone.
 — JKWeb

Barvissimo!  :-)  
 — starr

grazie starr for faving.
 — JKWeb

 — Kitteh

The first line is great, because it really goes with the title. It surprised me in a good way, and this poem over all is very good.
 — Nosratara2

 — unknown

thanks for reading and comments everybody.

 — JKWeb

Cadmium seems to have taken things a bit personally (unless there is a history that I am unaware of?). Either way He does certainly seem a bit defensive of his craft. Well, kudos to you, my friend, cadmium! Let not a worthy heart go down without a fight!

As to to poem, this is the first I have looked at on this site. I will freely admit, the title grabbed me! However, it was the first line (?) / second line (??) that grabbed me by the throat and would not relenquish it's hold until the whole, beautiful, ungainly experience was over. There was a point or two in there, such as DeformedLoin mentioned about the 'teardrop', where the anger deferred to the poetry. Still, the message was carried, and there were some KILLER lines in there!

so bleeds the ink from my wrist...

Peace and purrs
 — hippietomcat

the last strophe could do without all the 'the's' -- however the poem is punchy and well thrusted
 — AlchemiA

thanks AlchemiA-
I see what you mean with 'the' in 12 and will ponder omitting but the one in 15 wouldn't jive right if it were kaput methinks.

 — JKWeb

love this
 — Caducus

‎"What you resist persists." ~ Carl Jung
 — AlchemiA

thanks Antony.  glad you like it.

thanks for the revisit and fave AlchemiA in spite of me keeping 'the' in twelve for the extra beat.  might change my mind tomorrow--will have to see.

 — JKWeb

actually forgot to fave it
 — Caducus

Who is this directed towards ? The anger is surely misplaced without a face.  
 — unknown

 — Barranto33

thanks for reading Barranto.
 — JKWeb

wholly cayote!
; )
 — fractalcore

one of those reasons, top reason. dates are of importance none the less
 — unknown

thanks for reading fractal and unknown.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

i like this paradigm shift, JKWebster sir.
please keep them coming!
; )
 — fractalcore

thanks again fractalman

...and for faving.
 — JKWeb


was thinking of changing line 15 to 'from dystopia'.

 — JKWeb

hi jen,
  got rid of the hyphen as you can see.
was thinking of changing 8-9 to:

'reach for your tear drop noose'

or something like.  what do you think?

thanks for reading and feedback.  always appreciated
 — JKWeb

hi james,

i think the only instance where one could justify a description of the noose, is if it's shape or appearance is totally unlike its usual state, otherwise it comes off a bit elementary, like none of us know what a noose is.  

however, if there is some important meaning you're trying to convey with the teardrop, please share, because i don't want to sound arrogant for my suggestion to omit it. maybe you're holding on to it for other reasons, maybe it could be placed elsewhere.  

thanks, always enjoyable to share work, i've missed it (sort of) ;)
 — jenakajoffer

i think the failure of this is that it's not about poetry. it direct and to the point, but the point is about scoring in a game, and the game is a high-school game without any meaning in the world of poetry itself. we know that kids write poetry, we know that they believe what they write. so what. what this was, when it was first posted, was a sign that the author could transcend his neurotic fear of analysis after all -- that he could actually say things in public without flinching from fear of being slapped. that he turned into a bully for the moment is just part of the artist trip and not anything to be ashamed of. the next poem is the only real poem. author, are your friends still carrying this clown you wrote about on their back, while you yourself dropped him over the cliff with this one... or, maybe it didn't work, didn't stick: maybe you're now stuck brooding about what you can't write, rather than doing what any brilliant writer would do and simply write a story about not being able to write a poem.
 — cadmium

some more edits..
 — JKWeb

you've made it into a backwards elegy. it sounds now like you really admire this person as a creative writer... as though this poem was written to the dumbos and brain-dead haters who aren't smart enough to figure out what he's trying to do.

i think that weakens the poem, turns it into pudding. originally, it read as though you really did want to turn this author's face into pudding, and the words had punch.

you're kind of doing what every beginner does when they finally have a hit -- try to show how what you did wasn't an accident, but, instead, a hyperconscious product of your innate genius. that's a good way to throw away genius.
 — cadmium

the edit was very minor.  I omitted one line.  I agreed with jenakajoffer that the line was not needed.
 — JKWeb

cadmium types because he likes to think he has something to say, but on analysis he isn't actually saying anything.
 — unknown

i think that was a great edit, james.  it looks and reads better without the teardrop, to me anyway.  thought it was extraneous.

reading again, do you need 'so' in line 10?  I hate 'so' in poems.  unless it's like slam or slang.  see what you think.  i read it without it and it sounds fine; sharper even.

 — jenakajoffer

I like everything except the last line. I think it should focus on the individual in his individual angst with another great reference to to the body, and not to the abstract wasteland. Without that, a truly great poem.
 — fixelvis1324

thanks much fixelvis for reading and feedback.  not sure I totally comprehend your suggestion.  just a tad oblivious I suppose.  glad you seem to like it overall.
 — JKWeb

cadmium is such a cunt
 — unknown

man, that's a lot of spam.
 — JKWeb

Damn! This is stellar
 — yield

You seem to have made a lot of people angry with this and that can be no bad thing

Larry kitchen sink Lark
 — larrylark

mucho thanks yield and larry L.
 — JKWeb

This is great. I love how scathing the language is.
 — 4st7lb

glad you seem to like it 4st7lb.  thanks a bunch.
 — JKWeb

 — Debanjan

thanks for reading and faving Debanjan.
 — JKWeb

Beautifully imagined poem, I like the severeness of it. But...sorry, I don't feel the title does it justice. I think it would be stronger if you would drop the word 'poetic.'  
 — PatriciaSan

Still damn good
 — unknown

thanks PatriciaSan and unknown.

I'm too attached to the title for the time being.  maybe I'll change my mind down the road.  
 — JKWeb

This I can dig. Relate to the newest thread about poesy in the New Yorker,  This puts 'em to shame.
 — unknown

The title is inspired from which falls the rest of the poem with some clips of good poetic devices.

It's all a wasteland :)
 — jenn

thanks L and jenn for reading and commentary.   glad you seem to like
 — JKWeb

If only i could be so eloquent when displaying my anger. : )
 — InHiding

thanks a bunch for reading InHiding.
 — JKWeb

punch me
 — unknown

My favorite lines were:

lepers crawl from your pen,
disease each page

not bad either the part about writing on somebody's tongue.

The rest of it was – well – not all that good. Sorry.

But those three images show lots of promise!
 — wolflarsen

glad you like those bits wolflarson.  thanks for reading.
 — JKWeb

JK is your email dysfunctional?
 — unknown

hi unknown,

not to my knowledge.
 — JKWeb

Yes yes yes. I have one minor/major qualm with this poem. Just one. It would read better in my opinion if you made the title the first line. I love it altogether; it's fierce, a dagger in the perversity that is precociousness among poets and artists in general. This is so visceral in it's imagery. It builds tremendously, and the last stanza wraps it up wonderfully. L11 and L12 could be combined: I think it would help a little with the flow.

Excellent work.
 — ShelbyS

I'll punch your poetic GRILLpiece!!!  Nah...just kiddin'!  Had 2 read this awesome shit again, J.K.!!!  :-)
 — starr

   I like the idea of combining 11-12, you're right ShelbyS.  will have to give some thought to your suggestion about the title though as I wanted the it to flow into the first line.  thanks much.
 — JKWeb

thanks again starr man.
 — JKWeb

*as I wanted it to flow into...  brain burp...
 — JKWeb

I actually like this! It's very angry, but also put a smile on my face. I could see me saying similar things like this to certain people.
 — wintersun

thanks much wintersun.
 — JKWeb

thanks again for the nod, j.k. -- this reads like you're finally ready to get off the meds and medicating yourself through creatively writing yourself out of your pathos -- out of your victim -- and, especially, getting away from your victim harum of mee-so-horny-no-dick.
 — cadmium

cadmium love to whore himself on other peoples poetry
 — unknown

j.k. luv to post hate anony like an unk. you should get together and burn a cross.
 — cadmium

not many people here would be able to take the title as the opening line like this. it shows balls.

'deemed pretentious...' is kind of deemed pretentious unless you're going to do a hip-hop -- form where there's really some play in words to say in words.

i punch yo' face
till you bleed, mother fucker,
 — cadmium

hi, Jk. this title is an all-time top fave for a poem. though i wish a woman would write such for maximum impact. :3
 — spoilt

many thanks spoilt.  glad you like the title.  indeed, I'm a dude.
 — JKWeb