|when we were paper
you smelled like camp
after a long bus ride home
you brought me the woods
in a handshake
and i giggled like a freaking clown
so i pushed you
just a little
hoping you'd trip when stepping back
waking up your childhood crush
your eyes were a forest fire
we loved to watch things burn
the moon, sweating
over our homecoming
years of pencil
months of stamps
my laugh, your ringtone
23 Jun 12
Rated 10 (9.6) by 4 users.
Active (4): 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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I really like the first 18 lines.
Very evocative. This is a great example of less showing more in a poem. Truly excellent work
Larry day tripper Lark
thanks mr. lark
Lighthearted romantico that's quirkily refreshing in your own inimitable style, Mandee.
A few thoughts to ponder - summer camp for camp summer - giggled for smiled
- over for beneath.
Does the title work?
L15-18 perfect - a cheeky little gem on its own that oozes with charming honesty - don't touch that part ever.
You really should write more often, but then I understand how your boots are full.
i can't believe i had 'beneath' on that line!
i was thinking 'over' and typed beneath. man, i'm backwards lately.
thanks for those suggestions. i'm mighty glad you did.
i kept L1-2 as is
i just like it better, for some odd reason
thanks for the encouragement sailor. i have time, but i can only write when it chokes me. lately i've been gasping for air :)
It's depressing knowing that writing letters and mailing them is considered a past time
Hmm.... tis is quite scattered.
I especially HATED line 6 and the use of "freakin".
That's just my opinion, though... Take it or leave it.
freaking clowns do giggle like freaking clowns. :)
thanks for commenting forbs.
and thanks again, head of suede
Oops. Forgot one thing: I feel that L6 takes away from the magick here. Read it for yourself, Mandolyn without it and I think you'll agree. The vernacular there seems to not jibe with the rest. It actually cheapens the whole piece with its seemingly juvenile interjection. I'd consider scrapping it.
Oh, and that TITLE...WOOF! JUST gorgeous! You really outdid yourself on this one, sista! xo
OMG! LOL! Looks like my first comment got wiped out TOO because my sign-in timed OUT!
I was just saying how absolutely beautiful and sensual this is and how IN LOVE I AM with L's 11-14! xo
This makes me happy and hurt that the same time. It flows without having to finish sentences, without having to be explicit. You smelled like camp just draws in the reader, especially if they have ever been to camp or camping.
thanks starr and isabelle
starr- BUT I LIKE L6! :(
i don't know why...
it's personal i guess...
If YOU LIKE L6, then KEEP L6! LOL! You are the author. This is YOUR baby. Your writing must ALWAYS serve as a reflection AND exTENSION of who YOU ARE and what YOU like! I really DIG L's 11 & 12 tho. They are da BOMB! :-)
this is childlike and pure. speaks of sun and memory and love.
Love 7-10. Title is awesome. Nice work!
mods are playing favorites again. cutting negative comments on this piece of shit.
where did he go??
^ a place of high plain drifting
half priced naps at noon
still my fave by you mandolyn.
i love how this doesn't have big words, only gigantic feelings. I feel every single line poet!
aw, thanks web!
and thanks majan. i like simple words. always have. i was never a fan of the word 'verbose' either.
Good Lord, this is wonderful.
Good Lord, thanks 9!
I'm glad you like it.
Love this. That ride was nauseating! Too many switchbacks,.
I hate this damn keyboard!! Your Cs and Vs are gone.
And your e, s, a, l, nm ----DAMN! This keyboard is shit. I'm buying you a new one.
you don't need the letters on each key, you just need to know the keyboard.
I love this Mandee.
It made me open my old pencil box, and take out my propelling-pencil set and bald-point pens. :)
AWESOME minus L6. It instantly, in MY opinion, reduces the entire piece. LOVE the title. I'd break L18 off on its own too. OMG! I just noticed that I had already commented on this and that DAMNED L6 is STILL THERE!!! Bring my a blowtorch!!! POOF!!! :-)
^ Bring ME a blowtorch! Not "my!" Damned keyboard at work! :-L
but i giggled like a freaking clown, starr! ;)
I have to bump this minor masterpiece once again.
Lines 11 and 12 for me, but I can almost smell the wood smoke in the rest.
A good read.
Yes L's 11 to 18 are very moving and pure poetry.
there was a time i thought about cutting this in half and only making 11-18 the poem. but i never did.
Don't. The entire poem is alive.
Deep and touching.
hi mandolyn. i concur with (Mister) or (Misses) JKWeb.
A good read.
thanks, you're kind.
This is great! So different from your newer ones. I see your style is morphing ...
Glad I gave your list a look over.
That last part is a nice campfire. I personally think this could use more.
Good work. ~ the phantom nEd
Perfect poem in everyway
Read em and weep.