poetry critical

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among the starry poems...
vida

I promise to take you far away
 1
open your eyes don't you see
 2
your stare is like the dust
 3
I built the starry nights upon,
 4
and this life that is mean
 5
and so cruel,
 6
if it drags you across these empty words
 7
I'll abandon my flying palace and find you,
 8
I'll wrap my arms around you
 9
and distill the peace that's not found,
 10
you'll be confused as to why I'm here
 11
you don't understand that I love you
 12
more than black holes love the light
 13
stronger than gravity's pull,
 14
you don't understand my vision
 15
and your hatred blinds your intuition,
 16
but I have never left,
 17
I can never go,
 18
I have suffered more than you will ever know,
 19
open your eyes, don't you see
 20
your stare is like the dust
 21
I build the starry nights upon.
 22

18 Aug 12

Rated 10 (9.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (6): 1, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(183 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

abandon - |6
 — iliili

Thanks, got it.
 — vida

why the contraction in line 8, when it could take the full two beats and make 'not found' seem musical?

nice long lines at the end, they work fine. very nice, and the completion at the end, the complement of the last line of the poem's beginning make the poem magical.
 — cadmium

did u overuse the word 'than' from |8 onwards?
this is lovely, nonetheless.
 — iliili

Thanks for the comments everyone.
 — vida

yes, there's an authentic pulse beating behind this metaphorical journey; an ancient-ache swelling on the edge of forever, the heart its compass, always going toward the beloved ... nicely-done Vida!!!
 — AlchemiA

Thanks AlchemiA, I feel like your comment is too kind and you should just make that a poem already! :)
 — vida

the edits made this more beautiful :)
 — unknown

thanks
 — vida

'ὁδὸς ἄνω κάτω μία καὶ ὡυτή" -- "the way upward and the way downward is one and the same." -- from a fragment of Heraclitus
 — AlchemiA

line 9, than should be then
 — SteelAngel

you're very right, thanks for that!
 — vida

some fixes* mostly in the arrangement
 — vida

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