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The cloud in the sky
Rossant

The Moon's furlong intent
 1
no more its pink shadow
 2
casting Victoriana aglow,
 3
no birds to fetch a worn sky.
 4

30 Aug 12

Rated 10 (9.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (3): 1, 9, 10, 10

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Comments:

birds to "fetch" the sky waa so much better.
 — unknown

thank you
 — Rossant

Beautiful in text and textURE!  :-)
 — starr

I'm back to suggest a couple of things which might make this sound better.  What if u were 2 change "cast" to "casting" and "fetch" to "fetching" in L's 3 & L4?  Of course, you would scrap the infinitives (to) in both lines as well.  Your call.  Either way, it's beautiful.  :-)
 — starr

It's a nice image. Could you explain 'Moon furlong'? Is it a distance? I understand wanting to use furlong--it's a great word to work into. Other than that I might sugges beginning the last line with jusy 'Or'. But I think that if you ended the sentence at the end of the line before and wrote ;'No birds to fetch a worn sky. sets the last image off and gives it that nice effect that a Japanese form of haiku has. I'm giving you a 5 rating mostly because the poem doesn't go anywhere and it should  . You've set a tone, use it to your advantage and expand on it. I gave it a 6 in hopes that you might use the opportunity to fly a bit.
 — annotating

nice poem.
 — varun

el classico
 — unknown

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