poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Texas
unknown

She moves beneath needle skies. Kicking stars. Thirsty for rain.
 1
Thieves apply themselves at night. But steal nothing. Keeping her wanting
 2
more.
 3
 
 
The weight of dawn attests to her. She leans into the day. Roads need to be crossed.
 4
Rivers swam.
 5
 
 
Skeletons beckon her back. But she is steady. This is no longer her home. Cotton candy
 6
houses are flimsy when tasted. Time is a hard distance and the numbers must add up.
 7
Lessons need to be learned.
 8
 
 
Her fingers grip matchsticks.
 9
 
 
Bridges are meant to be burned.
 10

23 Mar 13

Rated 9.3 (9.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10
Inactive (6): 3, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Written from the heart. Yet I want to know the person in the poem. Often explaining motivation for actions helps.
 — useine

this is pretty good though reading with all the full-stop periods seems slightly jarring.  maybe if you removed some if not all the periods and adjusted the line breaks, it would read a bit smoother.  also, consider omitting "and the numbers must add
up."
Lessons need to be learned."  in 7 & 8?
not sure those lines are needed.

dig it overall though.
 — JKWeb

Thievery. Shh. I covet words. I slyly pocket the best. Don't tell. Shh.
 — bettalpha

Merci. Thank you. JKWeb. My full-stop periods help to steady the flow and give me order, structure, form. I am trustful you will forgive me  :)
 — Oblivion

i like the word choices you have used. especially 'kicking stars'. nice touch.

for some reason this reminds me of a geroge strait song (i believe he is from texas). the song is about burning bridges and how you can only really see the past and what it means to you by the light of the bridges you burn.

nice poem.
 — raskolniikov

Thanks for reading raskolniikov. I'm glad for the feedback.
 — Oblivion

the female version of the thin white duke. steady man !
 — unknown

I like this a LOT.  It's got movement AND "groove"ment.  I also love the way the punctuation throughout gives a "one, two, three, RED LIGHT" kind of action.  It's affirmative, cautious yet not TOO cautious.  Just enough in its use of the language to cement the fact that there's a lifewalk happening and we've ALL been there, done that and although the flavor is often frightening, we come out of it victoriously afterALL.  Kudos!  :-)
 — starr

Enjoyable for sure. Good enough to take slightly more content. Possibility for additional linkage of thoughts between line 9 and 10.
 — Greeves

your metaphor clusters, shiver into a new way of looking that dares to see your swell of romantic surreality... a heart-list that paints outside of its lines and finds a glimmering going on there ... burning bridges to light your way, yeah that's creative-destruction
 — AlchemiA

Thank you starr for your 'groovy' comment. Kudos to you :)
 — Oblivion

AlchemiA. This was hard for me to write but harder for me to live. Courage was needed and still is. Thank you, Thank you for your comment.
 — Oblivion

I can't say I entirely mind the punctuation, but at the same time I can see where others like JK might find it jarring.  In the sense of poetic line, one would be more inclined to level those full stops in breath with commas (,) or breaks.  Each have their own effect as can a long line. I tend to enjoy long lines with minimal punctuation.  The danger of using long line an full punctuation though, is the risk of it sounds like journal notes. This piece really hangs on that border.  

As much as I love when poetry hails to the past, with the way this one is written, it feels as though the meaning lies more with the narrator than the reader.  I don't believe it's really actualized as far as being a complete poem, as it lacks a degree of accessibility.  I don't believe all poetry needs to be accessible to everyone either, but in this case, I feel the poem would do better with it.  It needs that one note, that tear, the puncture that just pulls the reader in.  Then it might become something the reader experiences, rather than a reference point to something experienced by an omniscient narrator.  

And though the poem suggests the narrator understands that experience directly, the reader is left outside of the "know."  In some ways that can be a good poetic device, but in this particular instance, it seems to leave the reader asking, "why? how? what?"  and what the importance of each particular would be.  

I personally love the idea of a skeleton, but I'd prefer it appear more in the poem like an actual haunting of some sort, and rather than a colloquial reference to a closet/past.  

Kicking any addiction and letting go of that past is a hell of a place to write from.  I could be way off base with my interpretation of this as it does have the vagueness to go a few other directions, but it was what I read into at least.  I suppose I would like to see that fleshed out more than what is here.  

There is a place for writing of this design, and I recall a time where access to some things I wrote was restricted, and I go there even today in different ways.  However, for what this one is and the potential that might be there were you to take it down a different path, makes me want to shake it all up like a cup of bones, buttons, and bottle-caps.  
 — OldShoe

Thank you Oldshoe. You are very sweet to comment in such depth on my poem. I really appreciate your feedback.
 — Oblivion

Lol...pretty average to me..the only reason this got a high rating is because you have a picture and you're a decently attractive woman...which is good enough for you to be put on the pedestal...especially on this site.
 — Intervention

That is so nice of you to say that to me Intervention. But I am just an average woman. Yes, my poetry is also average. I only received 5 scores on my poem. Is that really alot like you say?
 — Oblivion

Cool poem. I like the hard stops, though you may have overdone them a little. Like exclamation marks, I find them more effective when they are not quite so plentiful.
The first two lines sparkle, but not sure if you need line 3.
I like to get invested in a character, and there’s just enough here to allow that. Some will want more. Let them want, I say.
No longer her home… necessary, but too plain? Isn’t that the main gist, and so deserving of a more poetic way of expressing it?
Because of the too common metaphor of burned bridges, I think the last line is the poem’s main flaw. With a power verb (instead of grip) you could stop at matchsticks. That may leave some readers wanting to know more, but for those like me, it would be right.
 — unknown

i likey you, you likey me too, we looky-looky-loo...
 — AlchemiA

Thank you unknown.

Ahh, AlchemiA, you gave me 2 comments. Thank you (again) :)
 — Oblivion

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