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she wishes men were like seahorses
JKWeb

for Te'Kisha

she’s afraid
 1
of needles and c-sections
 2
 
 
gliding towards her,
 3
she waves him away
 4
to stop his advances
 5
 
 
because a woman
 6
has more to lose
 7
when she offers her palm frond
 8
 
 
plus
 9
she endures monthly suffering,
 10
the bloated boat,
 11
midsection mayhem,
 12
the bleeding rose
 13
 
 
she wishes her man
 14
would grow a brood pouch,
 15
close his mouth
 16
and spawn her offspring
 17

16 Apr 13

Rated 10 (8.4) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (7): 2, 5, 6, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Lovely. Particulary lines 9 - 17 :)
 — Oblivion

i'm sorry to be so bLUNt.

this feels like it's written by a man trying futilely to understand a woman's menstrual cycle and birthing ability.  nice to be thoughtful i guess, but it doesn't work for me.  

so to explain my opinions, rather than leave them and sound like a jerk, i'll elaborate my thoughts.

line 9, "plus" is a prime example of why this is poorly written.
lines 3-5 are not poetic in any sense.  it's a telling of a story; no imagery, no craft.
line 6, 'because', same reasons. telling a story.
line 8, palm frond.  
line 10 is where the offense rises.  monthly suffering? oh dear....
bloated boat sounds cool but it's also offensive, i think this poem might've been better if it was written with an honest idea about not having a clue, and being as offensive as possible.  it would've worked better i think.
bleeding rose is bloody cliche if i ever had a sensible thought.

well, i guess everyone has their own opinions, but this one will be about subject, not about quality of writing, and it's the latter that i am commenting about, for the most part.

thanks for allowing my thoughts.
 — jenakajoffer

webster, as if.  
i know, nobody likes my new approach, but i find it much easier to comment on poems if i don't know who the author is.  and if i say critical things and find out it's my friend's poem or whatever, then sure, i feel a bit badly, but i would rather be objective and biased.  :)
 — jenakajoffer

*i'd rather be objective than biased*
 — jenakajoffer

thanks Oblivion.  glad you dig them lines.

hi jen,
didn't intend to offend.  I wrote this based on a conversation I had with a co-worker/friend.  had she been offended, I certainly wouldn't have posted.  it was just for fun and she laughed when she read it.
  if it were a "serious" poem, then I might be in a hurry to edit.  but I'll prolly leave it for the time being and come back to it in the future.
  thanks for reading and thoughts.
 — JKWeb

well i'm glad you and your coworker had a laugh :)
it did sound like quite a serious poem to me, lol.

but now i can see the humourous side of things. now that i know it's meant to be funny.  interpretation is so unpredictable eh.
 — jenakajoffer

I think lines 3-5 need some work.

The rest is very amusing to me.  I love the palm frond line!  Midsection mayhem, boy, if you only knew it from the inside out!

I'm guessing a guy wrote this.  We women have much more to say about this sort of thing and not once did I wish my man would go seahorse!  But it's fun to read, very creative.
 — Isabelle5

thanks Isabelle.
  as I had mentioned to jen, I'll prolly do some edits with this in the near future.  I'm glad you like the 'palm frond' part (it didn't occur to me until I read your comments!) but I believe I "borrowed" it from one of your poems.  I hope you don't mind  :) glad you seem to dig it overall.
 — JKWeb

Ah, I think I know the poem you mean and of course I wouldn't mind!  Glad you could use it.  This really is a fun poem.  
 — Isabelle5

indeed your title deserves better. i've clicked on it a dozen times, but keep ending up with the same damn result.
 — DeformedLion

You know, this is a very Isabellian title. :)
 — jenakajoffer

complete lack of punctuation needs to be deftly considered, else seem novice.

considering the subject matter,  it's somewhat surprising that punctuation wasn't employed-- would seem suitable, in a rather extreme manner.
 — unknown

thanks again Isabelle

you're a fine poet DeformedLion but you're comments are sometimes somewhat cryptic.  thanks for reading nonetheless.

tru-dat jen.

thanks for looking unknown.  not sure I'm totally tracking with your comment though I did add a few commas.
 — JKWeb

Amazing!  Love, love, LOVE L's 9-17!  A feminine MASTERpiece!  :-)
 — starr

Now that I have a 2nd look at this, I'm thinking that instead of "rose" in L13 that you might consider "bowl."  Bowls are open and round and often pertain to the
va-j-j on the more spirtual level.  :-)
 — starr

Sorry...I'm on a roll!  LOL!  The title is a bit too cryptic for my tastes and for the subject matter which it seems 2 depict.  I'll concur with some of the other critics here with regard 2 this.  Think squid and ink; arms and suckers.  \"Octomom?\"    Hey, J.K.!  Glad 2cu here, buddy!  :-)
 — starr

hey starr man,
kind of wrote this off the cuff.  the title was the inspiration.  my friend Te'Kisha's exact words were, "I wish men were like seahorses".  of course, she was referring to how the male seahorses give birth to the young.  still pondering changes.  I appreciate your feedback and for making this a fave.
 — JKWeb

Hey, buddy!  Absolutely LOVE it!  I've had friends say things to me that would later end up being titles of poems or end up as lines IN poems, so I know exactly where you're comin' from.  It's awesome, might need some SLIGHT revising, but not a whole lot in MY opinion.  It's stunning really.  Catch u on the flip, my brotha.  :-)
 — starr

I've known such men and thay're witness to their own hidden desires .... nonetheless, they're ambidextrous--in-dignant--indigenous, they're from both sides now, they're within and they're without, ... they're irreverent romance is ilk and 'of' the mythical brother and sister, narcissus 'n echo,  ...
 — AlchemiA

cheerz starr.

thanks AlchemiA for reading, fave and comments.
Namaste.
 — JKWeb

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