poetry critical

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DaDA Taoist
AlchemiA

throwing the yarrow sticks, Chinese coins,
 1
bones left after ceaseless wars
 2
Lao Tzu foretold to us:
 3
 
 
destruction makes way for creation --
 4
the old ones fingered their hexagrams
 5
with the meaning of motion sickness.
 6
 
 
darkness birth'd the light,
 7
made of fleeting prognostications
 8
from tortoise shells and entrails.
 9
 
 
war and disease dances,
 10
the eternal turning, where
 11
high has fallen low and low is beholden
 12
 
 
to everything coming and going.
 13
ancient Chinese sages and generals
 14
blew open the doors and averted their eyes.
 15
 
 
(their great wall a line in the sand,)
 16
now the walls are shaken, the rivers gorged
 17
and the skies are grey with their laborious excreta...
 18

6 May 13

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Comments:

Makes for a enjoyable read.  I might've gone with (high has fallen low and low beholds
everything coming and going) in lines 12 n 13.  What do you think?

-Tim
 — unknown

this is indeed enjoyable to read. the words and images are discerning.
 — raskolniikov

Thanks unk I'll mull that over: the word 'beholden' seems odd, I know, however I like the sound it makes - be - hold - in

Rask, thankyou for the flash-crit - you immediately plumbed what I was trying to do here -- however, I'm not happy with the end, although it needs to be something darkly trajic yet  authentic concerning the present 'Chinese' tense...
 — AlchemiA

Straw dog.  If people give your poem space then you will expand within their emptiness.  Ancient culture relates to the human future to a certain, and lesser, degree.  What did Lao Tzu say about a World?  Did he say that technology consumes?  "Cooking a small fish| is like ruling a large country."  That worked thousands of years ago - How do you now tell a egotistic person that they are overcooking a cold fish?  Al Dante Ass hole's - you can't understand simplicity.  
 — percocet

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