|and the wolf says...
what do you hear
when he looks at you that way
like he's hungry and you're candy
gnawing the buttons
on your blouse
rustling the cellophane of socially engineered restraint
his animal inhales deeply
as your scent breaks on his brow
were he less bound
by tie and fine footwear
he would have you
and if she were to lift her fairy-tale
she'd find herself
26 May 13
Rated 9.5 (9) by 6 users.
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This is really an autobiography
If you were a man I would be violated every day
nice --- hanging striking images on a human-sense captivates the reader to read further -- 'or meat' stands kock'-clear like a knife in the eye -- the end-strophe is definitely of the write venue for the titular expectation, however, the blood-flowers need to be wet with 'come-hither' -- nonetheless well crafted imagery
ahh, it's you Sybil-write -- bloody good write
This is an excellent poem.So much to admire here
Thank you, Alch and Larry. High praise--I'm honoured :)
Alch--are you suggesting that the final stanza needs some engorging?
'wetness' -- Mons-pubis, moans-public, man-punished -- heh heh no not engorging, swelling with honey
"like" in line 3, yes? nice poem.
amusing take on the underlying sexuality of the fairy tale. good read :)
hahaha! I love this! I know at least one other woman here who would (as I would) rip off that fairy tale and brace myself against the wall!
Oh, no, the other woman wrote it! hahaha!
Changed tense without introduction: "He," in lines 2 and 3, turns into " his, " in line 5. - Maybe you could use, " old meat," ( just needs some sort of intro into the alternate/ different tense.) You need to tie the story together with tense. There needs to be an algorithm of sorts - I.E. " In the time machine." - poor example, but hopefully understood. Explain how, "he," can turn into, "him," and you have a story.
no wonder you cant write poetry, percocet, if you dont get the simple change of he to his, which is not a tense, but a possessive.
you should try working on your own writing rather than trying to sound like you know what you mean when you use the word algorithm
percocet has got a bit of the old bauer bullshit about him
i like it, but some things aren't adding up for me.
like 'what do you hear'. how can you hear anything when he's just looking? for me, i think hearing isn't quite right. what are you thinking? maybe that works?
sorry i have to go, i'm having horrible dizzy spells!
Rustling the cellophane of socially engineered restraint. Now that's a wonderful line.
But now I can't read "The Three Little Pigs" to my toddler without some deeply disturbing pictures of an alpha and a blow job.
I think I understand what the poem is saying, well enough, but it sounds oddly detached and unfeeling.
That is a very strange effect for the piece to have, considering the content. I might suggest that the form of this poem does not work for the content. The punctuation, or lack thereof, is what I would look at changing, in order to inject some kind of pulse to this writing.
It's flatter than roadkill.
^ Not a nice review there, but i think hawk's description of "bloodless" is accurate for only one line in this work. L8 - "rustling the cellophane of socially engineered restraint
" does sound a little forced. the rest is awesome.
Thanks everyone for the feedback, much appreciated.
great that it is possessive, still needs introduction.
and extro in this sense.
a LOT of the bauer bullshit about him
The more I deconstruct this poem the more I find a solid structure that has very few weak points, but the old into the new is a trivial point for me. I think that I can see how you have utilized tense, and verb, but there's an empty space where I need more information. Anyways, well done.
I love the beginning of this, the hearing when you see him looking. Other senses that pick up what we aren't even aware of, like taste having color or the arrangement of the calendar in your head.
The last line is perfect . An accomplished dance.
You don't defeat the wolf. The wolf is nothing compared to modern society. The three pigs are trully f'd when the top of our societry reaches them. Truth be told, we can use pigs to rule pigs.
Percocet--you've been reading too much Orwell :)
Thanks, everyone, for the comments--appreciated!
one of your best.
loves lines 5 - 7
and 15 - 18.
particualry, 'if she were to lift her fairy-tale'.
line 8 is somewhat ajar with the rest of the poem though. it doesn't seem to fit in its wording.
great poem otherwise.
I enjoyed this.
thank you, rask and 9
L8 seems a bit overwrought, otherwise loved it
@Palehorse--lol! I seem to have overlooked your comment previously. I'm sorry for defiling story time in your home.
Your best poem sybarite (in my opinion).
Yes yes. Agreed ^^
no punctuation alters the meaning of the poem. Maybe purposefully, or maybe stupidly - like a stripper that makes a smart remark. Either you don't know, or your vagina knows. Either way you are asking for something. something that intelligent conversation doesn't know. The poem is more like a penal colony that boasts there strengths over there penises.
Punctuate this beauty.
I love this.
Reading this again.
I could learn from you.
How to write that is!. ....Mother Mary of Joseph, that's not what I meant.
a first rate poem
I love punctuation and wish there was more of it here, otherwise great content.
You certainly have cut through the mating charade; the little 'dance for the pants' we all do. I like its honesty.
great write! title is strong.
Wow, haven't been here in a while. Lotta comments! Thank you everyone. :)
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Socially engineered restraint
much enjoyed the read middle verse anchors all
Great poem. 1-3 9-10 15-18. Super cool write.
Didn't do nothing for me. Sorry.
Such a sexy poem - I like the change of person for some reason -- it adds a twist, makes it interesting
This is cool "/ x:
Still loving this one.