poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Freak on a Leash

For Jonathan and Miles Davis.

In the evening I was folding still-warm laundry
while listening to 'Kind of Blue'
and the sound of a grilled cheese sizzling on the stove,
when the phone rang for the fifth time.
I knew who it was and I almost didn't answer it.
"Hello Jonathan.
No, I don't need to forgive you.
Yes I know your tour stops in my city.
No, you can't come over. My vagina isn't a garage.
Look, If you don't leave me alone
I'll find someone else who will,"
I said and hung up the phone.
I poured some vodka into a jar,
put the grilled cheese on a paper plate
and lay on my stomach in the middle of my living room.
After I picked at the sandwich with a poorly polished fingernail
and consumed the alcohol,
I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes.
"Fucking isn't loving," I said to the ceiling.
Tears gathered in little pools on the hardwood floor beneath me.
"I don't care what anyone says,
It's one or the other."
I awoke in the night still lying there
with some shitty Korn song stuck in my head
and my period running down my leg...
telling me I wasn't pregnant.
And thank God I still had good taste in music.

16 Jul 13

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 10

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


 — unknown

Utterly compellingly superb

Larry in chains Lark
 — larrylark

Thank you, Larry Dark Side of the Moon Lark
 — unknown

...and starr,
would you be so kind as to re-read my edited poem again perhaps?
 — unknown

LOL!  I saw the title and you beat me to it cuz I was gonna come back ANYWAY and revisit this!  Great minds think alike, huh?  LOVE it!  It's improved drastically since yesterday.  The only thing I might change would be "under" for "beneath" in L20.  Otherwise, much more concise, fluid and it now has a "mood," something I think the reader can actually "feel" and "relate to."  "Kind of Blue" could be in quotes too where it's a title of a recording.  "Period" seems odd to me too in L25.  You could say "menstrual bleeding."  It has more oomph and truth to it.  In short, MUCH BETTER and you certainly DO have good taste in music!  Good job!  :-)
 — starr

Thanks for the suggestions, and for re-reading!
You're the brightest star(r), you know that right?
 — unknown

Awwww!  I'm just "me."  I'm glad I was helpful and I really like this poem!  :-)
 — starr

korn sold out. nothing beats blind or ball tongue.
 — raskolniikov

^Rask, are you suggesting that Korn
was ever anything other than a sell out?
Don't mean to be judgmental, sell me on this?
 — unknown

Korn on the cob
 — 9

lines 10 and 11 are hilarious, and i loved the visual of this cock of a car parking between the pillars (legs) of a house, housing a giant vag. that's great!

the story was entertaining enough, though i don't quite understand the vodka/mayo jar, that's weird and confusing to me.  like, is the mayo jar empty and you're using it as a glass, or are you mixing it? ew. anyway, i would just say 'jar' as they do in ireland 'get me another jar'! you know, sounds cool.

don't need line 27.  it's obvious, i mean, getting your period always means just that.

anyway, what happened with the narrative toward the end? you sort of lose the grip you started with in the first and second stanza.  I think the feelings expressed are confusing, or just wishy-washy, or perhaps there is just too much quoting going on.

i think it needs polarity.  something to make the ending realized a little more.

i don't know if i'm helping at all, probably not, but i do think that if you ditched the last 3 lines and left the poem bleeding at line 26, you'd have a bit more grip.

thanks :)
 — jenakajoffer

^Yeah, the last three lines were added, to 'dumb it down' some,
but I'm not sure I don't like it this way.
Maybe you're right, thanks much for the read
and the constructive thoughts jena.
 — unknown

Korn and Life is Peachy were brilliant albums. Everything after that just went downhill. In my opinion, none of their later work can compare to Blind or Balltongue. Maybe Justin on Follow the Leader, but all other albums after that were just shit.

Just my two roubles.
 — raskolniikov

^Fair enough. To each their own. I'm off to listen to those 2 you mentioned.
Your homework is to listen to Kind of Blue by Miles <3
 — unknown

i listened. can i have some more please.....
 — raskolniikov

^On the condition that you give me a few new albums to hear first?
p.s. And I will admit Ball Tongue rocks.
 — unknown

What kind of music would you like?
 — raskolniikov

^hmm recommend something that you love a lot? Any kind.
 — unknown

Simply Falling by Iyeoka.
 — raskolniikov

paste it into your url.

https://www. youtube.com/watch?v=9Pes54J8PVw
 — raskolniikov

That was real nice, I hadn't heard her before. She makes Beyonce look silly ;)
Here's one for you:
http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=XWHplp10kQM
 — unknown

and i've never heard that one before either. the base was low riding. here is something japanese.

http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=9eveWt0H2c4
 — raskolniikov

Oh nice one!
It's good to have a music friend who knows about things that you don't.

Here's one for you:
http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=F7bKe_Zgk4o
 — unknown

 — unknown