poetry critical

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ball
hank

i have a ball.
 1
it's red and fun.
 2
sometimes i roll on my ball on my belly,
 3
but mostly i bounce it.
 4
it makes a funny noise.
 5
boing, boing, boing.
 6
when i throw my ball in the air and
 7
it comes down and hits me on the head,
 8
it doesn't hurt.
 9
it's a good ball.
 10

18 May 04

Rated 5.5 (5.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 1, 10
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 6, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(444 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

If this was on paper, I would burn it. 1
 — unknown

Isn't way past your bedtime?


Made me smile, though!
 — unknown

Dont smoke crack.
 — ShelbyS

wish you had a thought instead
 — unknown

Very limited idea,poorly developed,no poetic structure. A bit of a mess really.
 — larrylark

umm Okay!
 — unknown

Must share:

The Song the Idiot Sings:
by Rainer Maria Rilke

They don't bother about me. They let me be.
The say, "nothing can happen."
That's good.
Nothing canhappen. It all comes and wheels
steadily around the Holy Ghost,
always around that same Ghost (you know)-
that's good.

No, of course not, one mustn't thing any danger
could come in that way.
Of course the blood exists.
Blood is heaviest. Blood is heavy.
Sometimes I think I've had too much.
(That's good.)

Oh isn't that a wonderful ball!
round and red as nothing at all.
Good thing that you created it.
But will it come if you call?

How strangely this whole thing behaves,
into each other driving, out of each other swimming,
friendly, a touch uncertain.
That's good.
 — eajohnson1

i wish i had a ball. no double entendre?
 — Mazzo

Hank keep writing. You will go places man.
 — dmu_96

Well, you've got a talented line of writing here, but it doesn't really go anywhere. Perhaps cf. "I had a bomb" for some inspiration. I think a parody entitled "I had a ball" would be in order, and with your ability, not too difficult a task.
-zep
 — zepplin42

I have two balls!!!
 — unknown

Robbo melted mine.
 — wendz

the idea is great. how it's carried out isn't all that great, but at least it's simple. simplicity is good for this kind of poem. check the spelling. there's also one "on" too many on line three.
all in all i think it makes its own point. just edit the mistakes, try to check your poems a bit more before you post them. nothing like a typo and such to diminish a poem's beauty.
 — aerol

Why I like this I have no idea. Cracked me tha fuck up
 — dookie

this has a 1
 — hank

you are way cool
 — meghanmidget

wow, i reread this today. and laughed.
 — hank

me too. thanks.
 — noodleman

now it has a 10.
 — noodleman

hahahahahaha

wow this is so stupid and pointless i like it.  what were you on, just wondering...

:)
 — misspanda

fire.
 — hank

i absoutely LOVED this! l10 is priceless. thanks for bringing some laughter to me on an otherwise shitty day! :)
 — Catbox

i just read this again, and now i like it even more! thanks again!
 — Catbox

it amuses me to think that I read too much viz
it amuses me to think that you will be seven and three quarters for ever and ever.
either way. this poem should be written on walls in crayon
 — kaleidazcope

how did you know that i am 7 3/4? (actually, 7 5/8 right at the point of takeoff)
 — hank

damn, i wish i could delete that previous comment.
 — hank

sweet!
 — Roz

too late i saw it.

you're coming close to being inspiring.

and that isn't always a good thing.
 — kaleidazcope

It used to be good to inspire, now it isn't.  That makes me sad. :(
 — Roz

you inspired bettalpha roz.
 — kaleidazcope

how?
 — Roz

here
http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/21272/
 — kaleidazcope

and here
http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/20786/
 — kaleidazcope

sorry for digressing hank.
7 5/8 in your sky rocket huh?
 — kaleidazcope

I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again.  Give up all hope,  you're doomed.
 — Roz

my sky rocket goes fast.
 — hank

"And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away"

Goo goo goes gah gah!
 — Roz

hey hank - I've got you on my "must visit" list. I'm afraid if there's more than meets the eye here, it has hidden itself well from me :( As it reads - it's very cute but I'm left with a kind of "and so?" feeling.
 — ka

come for a visit anytime.
 — hank

'and so' feeling is better than feeling bad or sick or tired of the same old shit ain't it?
 — hank

It is silly but I like it.

It should be accompanied by big bright pages with a line on each page or thereabouts. In fact have you ever thought of illustrating this.....;-)
 — smugzy

oom, good idea smugs.
 — hank

hank, this was recomended reading (thanks be to gnormal) - it was offered as (a fine) example of accomplished writing. We had discussed poets posting work which at first would appear to have been submitted by a simpleton and as such has achieved its goal. - very nice.  
 — hobby

Lines 9 + 10 are two of the best I've ever seen.
 — unknown

i think this is good food.
 — hank

I had a ball once, so i can totally relate to your poem.
 — john_daker

ball, wall
ball, wall
ball, wall
ball, wall
ball, wall
   ball
 — unknown

or a goof ball.
Every good man deserves at least one good ball.

h's unknown
 — unknown

what the F lol
 — unknown

hahahahahahaha
it's a good ball.
 — unknown

hahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!what a nice ball
 — unknown

thank you.
 — hank

this was a smiley face poem for me.
 — DeformedLion

another fave, this one
 — unknown

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