when hundreds of children arrived
we shared oxygen masks in shifts
and told them to inhale
while we wiped their secretions
and sang their favorite lullabies.
There was no oxygen.
22 Sep 13
Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Inactive (0): 9
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The ending doesn't hit as hard as it should because we already know they're going to die from the first line.
Who said they died
1-5 is great, but the ending could be much better.
The second oxygen isn't needed, I don't think, not only does it repeat but it contradicts the contents of line 3.
I'm no fan of punchline poems, but if they're done right they can be effective.
I have to say this punchline is weak and misses the jaw.
This poem works well on its own, but probably needs some sort of punchline to carry the message to a conclusion.
This versions better I like the fixes to the beginning.
Hmm, I don't agree. I like line 6. Maybe it was missing before?
I like the whole poem.
woke me up
design & code copyright donald tetto
. all poems copyright their original authors.