Comments:
The ending doesn't hit as hard as it should because we already know they're going to die from the first line. — thechosenone
Who said they died — unknown
1-5 is great, but the ending could be much better. — mandolyn
assad approved — unknown
The second oxygen isn't needed, I don't think, not only does it repeat but it contradicts the contents of line 3.
I'm no fan of punchline poems, but if they're done right they can be effective.
I have to say this punchline is weak and misses the jaw.
This poem works well on its own, but probably needs some sort of punchline to carry the message to a conclusion. — jenn
Breathe — unknown
Dam — unknown
This versions better I like the fixes to the beginning. — thechosenone
breaking baaaaaaaaaaaaa — unknown
Damn — unknown
Syriana — unknown
Hmm, I don't agree. I like line 6. Maybe it was missing before? — PatriciaSan
I like the whole poem. — PatriciaSan
woke me up — unknown
f##@ — unknown
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