Comments:
The ending doesn't hit as hard as it should because we already know they're going to die from the first line.
— thechosenone
Who said they died
— unknown
1-5 is great, but the ending could be much better.
— mandolyn
assad approved
— unknown
The second oxygen isn't needed, I don't think, not only does it repeat but it contradicts the contents of line 3.
I'm no fan of punchline poems, but if they're done right they can be effective.
I have to say this punchline is weak and misses the jaw.
This poem works well on its own, but probably needs some sort of punchline to carry the message to a conclusion.
— jenn
Breathe
— unknown
Dam
— unknown
This versions better I like the fixes to the beginning.
— thechosenone
breaking baaaaaaaaaaaaa
— unknown
Damn
— unknown
Syriana
— unknown
Hmm, I don't agree. I like line 6. Maybe it was missing before?
— PatriciaSan
I like the whole poem.
— PatriciaSan
woke me up
— unknown
f##@
— unknown
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