poetry critical

online poetry workshop

edit: what time did you do the elecTrik-jerk into dream?

you -- as a radial lightning beam, radically enlightening-up again --
you know that jerk
         just between now and dream,
now and theoretical-less-satori,
                 an 'lecTrik-coursing
            of shock'n'awe without the worry --
Hypnic Jerk, suddenly
        shudders into
              falling  --
what time did you jerk or fall ?
in a tree dreaming of the hunt,
               you learnt to prey in a new style? --
what kind of jerk did you do on the branches of another memento-mori story --
those branches that scatter your mind
into an infinite sky,
            waywayup inside,
                    oh my, oh my, you're falling,
                                    falling -- fly

29 Sep 13

Rated 9.7 (9.7) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (0): 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(39 more poems by this author)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


this is so funny because i was just talking with the once beard today about jerking in your sleep. how we can drift and then be awoken by the silence, but our body jerks.
i hate when that happens- you are so sleepy and then the silence rattles you. so i did the electric jerk dream around 2 am. what a jerk.
 — mandolyn

branches of 'lectricity --- i like it.
 — mandolyn

yes. I'm often jerking off the bed... heh heh
 — AlchemiA

this poem needs condensing -- any ideas anyone?
 — AlchemiA

how do we condense an alch poem!! aaaaah! :) garsh, i don't know. you could remove 12-14 or 18-21 or condense them together and only ask once what kind of jerk did we do. i dunno, i'm not good at this stuff.
 — mandolyn

Lose lines 12 to 14 - and chop up lines 1, 24, 25 and 26.

The problem with this is .. it's sort of explaining things, even when asking questions (and there might be a few too many, with no resolve) but also, it's not really fully tilting into poetic muse.

On reading this I can't say it engaged me enough to really want to explore myself in the questions of the mysteries of sleep, dreaming, lucid dreaming and who or what I am in the mystery.

I'm not feeling your dervish trance that so often drives your writing.

You use one of my favourite words of all time - satori - and that saves it a little for me. :)
 — jenn

love the assist mandEE and jenn -- let's lose the excess baggage then -- I often forget that it does not have to mean anything at all -- "There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer." - Gertrude Stein
 — AlchemiA

You can always strive for an answer, or at least some version of what might be answer, but making it a fun ride along the way is always good :)
 — jenn

I could recreate in a couple condensing phrases imagined, if you're truly interested in something like that... but our styles aren't sync, you know.

"Your mirror shows you as a radial spark, from the sky--

meanwhile, look at that sheep's head swimming.
You'll never be able to kiss him;
he waits (...hides!) underneath a rod,

and you see him behind your mind's eye--

while dashing away,
now, he spasms while sinking
down, deep, darkly contracting

he was spawned, anthropomorphically;
he jerked and he spewed
under a shrouded half-moon,
over his systemic sea!

You, Artemizues as a hawk,
swooped and shocked--
in awe, unwittingly REM weaponry-bound.

why fly like a stone? You may comma gain
reiterating without knowledge
of loss in your stain

in actuality, his face looks down.
the pulses continue-- and your psionic vegetable is infinite."
 — Cerulise

heh heh Cerulise, yours is bedder -- "Your mirror shows you as a radial spark, from the sky--" is a brilliant bit -- "You, Artemizues as a hawk,
swooped and shocked--
in awe, unwittingly REM weaponry-bound." -- is so funny 'cause it's close to the mark -- nicely done!
 — AlchemiA

But you are the muse; I simply dissected it into my own poetic style. Given what's mentioned, it's like 5 lines and many words shorter: so what could compress the original would be a little eloquence in your own words, and I'm sure you can dig deep and let it flow if that's your intention.
 — Cerulise

edits poets
 — AlchemiA

nice edits- alchemist of words.
 — mandolyn

thanks MandEE
 — AlchemiA