poetry critical

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nine mystic minds and the fourth one can dance
mandolyn

you remind me of a man
 1
i knew long ago–
 2
not the one who yields to my bite
 3
or my prayers
 4
your face is different–
 5
your beard is good, i'd like to live in it
 6
and pull your weeds
 7
 
 
this jar doesn't have wasps
 8
but you'd catch one, if i threw it
 9
i want to give you high grade sativa
 10
an artichoke, instead of peter pan
 11
on that celery stick
 12
 
 
yes, you remind me of someone
 13
who used to say 'sup'
 14
his sound was guitar, piano
 15
and feet
 16
his fingers were like grasshoppers
 17
over ill keys, or delirious strings
 18
but they didn't need to be tuned
 19
he trained them to sound beautiful
 20
 
 
sometimes they coughed eccentric
 21
creating a maze i'd sleep in
 22
 
 
his hand shake was the most incredible thing
 23
it would tickle my spine, play on my skin
 24
i dream of it now and again,
 25
how it's soft, yet pulls your wrist just so
 26
to remind you how brilliant
 27
the inside of him is–
 28
 
 
i basically shriveled  
 29
when he would hug me
 30
that's how thirsty his arms were
 31
i bet yours could use a torso,
 32
one without wool
 33
 
 
once, i wanted to show him
 34
how the desert is shaped like a heart
 35
if you lay on your side,
 36
but he always walked ahead, in thought
 37
and i was afraid to catch up
 38
to interrupt his red-yellow song;
 39
 
 
his smile was daylight,
 40
but inside there was a war
 41
where his henchman died daily, but then
 42
9 more were born.
 43
 
 
so he settled himself in the fog
 44
because it amazed him
 45
it hid the pain– and hid his name,
 46
but there was a time, he showed me the caves,
 47
before the world stiffened its neck
 48
and yanked us apart–
 49
 
 
the tide was shy, just like i was
 50
but he liked me then,
 51
we were just two hand-me-downs
 52
looking for abstract things
 53
in the language of dens and vital flame
 54
while silence kept waving its sword
 55

7 Oct 13

Rated 10 (9.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (14): 1, 1, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

i probably went overboard- i had a fun one and a serious one so i tried to combine them in a subtle way- but i may have failed miserably, which is ok, because this is a work shop and i'm working dagnabbit. ;)
 — mandolyn

Wow Mandee. This is really really good.
I would change the third line to "yields to my prayers" You don't bite that hard. ;-)
Damn, I wish this was written for me.
Now I'm going to go listen to Keith Urbans 'Stupid Boy'
 — yield

nice-mandEE -- this has some wonderful musings and sounds -- the change from 'you' to 'he or his' in the third strophe changes the perspective -- perhaps stick with 'you' as that becomes my 'I' as the reader which brings me into the Poem. "once, i wanted to show him\ how the desert is shaped like a heart\ if you lay on your side," lovely allusion, however stick with the 'first-person perspective and your work will galvanize the reader further into your loving nostrum.
 — AlchemiA

alch- i wrote this for 9. he reminds me of someone- that is why it changes to 'he' because i am describing the 'he' that 9 reminds me of. does that make sense? or should i still change it?
 — mandolyn

Wow this is fantastic. Really.
It's poignant and powerful and beautiful.
This is for me? I'm going to have return the favor.
<3 from me!
 — 9

9, i wrote two. this is the one i wanted to post first, i spend a lot of time on it, it's not just something i forced myself to write. i wanted you to know that. the next one will be fun and silly and will taste like honey mustard. :)

yield, i have callouses on my finger tips from typing my abashed heart out, because of you. so, sit.
^ see, my bite draws blood.
 — mandolyn

^ *spent a lot of time. the reason i said that was so that you don't feel like you need to return the favor. i couldn't help myself. :)
 — mandolyn

I understand :)
 — 9

Yes Yes... I know I need to sit down and put a sock in it. I could pull all of your poems that have seared my heart and would still find others that my name has not touched. Even your silliness makes me squirm. =)
 — unknown

holy cow! this could be 2 poems, mando. did you ever think of splitting it? start the second one at L34. methinks it would work out either way. oh love this i do! :-))
 — unknown

^ thanks. and that is an excellent idea. i will think about it. i did think i over did it when i first posted. maybe cutting it in half would work better. i'm just afraid to touch it right now. lol. does that make sense? it's like jenga.
 — mandolyn

Two poems? Are you kidding? I wouldn't split it at all. This is a beautiful string of lines. One of the best poems I've read on this forum. I have the strong desire to go back and start reading ALL of your work, mandolyn, beginning with "jupiter," posted 22 Nov 10.

(This is gonna be a loooong night!)
 — clupeidae

thanks clupeidae. i'm sure you fell asleep after jupiter, if not during. all my poetry screams to be revised.
 — mandolyn

This hasn't aged a bit since yesterday.
It still looks good. Still smells good.
Leave this out on the counter for weeks
and I bet it will still be as fresh as the day you wrote it.
 — 9

do you really like it? i mean, you're so nice to everyone here and i don't think i've seen you give a negative crit to anyone. it won't hurt my dumb feelings if you really don't dig it. :) really.
thanks, 9. i bet you like fog and desert. i do too. ♥
 — mandolyn

^ it reads like i typed it backwards. it should say 'thanks' first. wacky.
 — mandolyn

Yes I do very much.
If I don't 'like' something I just ignore it.
I don't feel qualified to critique art, I don't think I ever will.
Maybe I'm on the wrong site.

On the other hand,
how can you trust someone if they say nothing but good things?
So okay, I didn't like line 4. :)
 — 9

lol, i don't like that line either!!
you can critique art, you're just too humble. :)
i'm posting another one soon, for you.
then i promise i'll go back to hill billies and wasps.
 — mandolyn

i changed it. i really didn't like it at all in the beginning, then i forgot about it. thanks for pointing it out.
 — mandolyn

Oh yes, prayers :)
 — 9

Some things I like.  Some things I don't like.  But I doubt my thoughts would matter either way.  It is certainly, you.
 — OldShoe

^ wow, shoe. i believe that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me. ever.
 — mandolyn

<3
 — 9

Mandolyn, this is a bohemian poem verily, and I enjoyed reading and extracting the seasons from her. For portraying a soul, you yourself are a portrait, and in being so beautiful, it behooves me to tell you that you are a strange stranger, lovely in your strangeness. Love and Appreciation for your language, and your soul.  
 — MattPat

^^ ♥

matt, wow, thank you. that was really kind.
 — mandolyn

well done.  eloquent and tells a story.  
 — percocet

thanks, perco. :)
 — mandolyn

Spine and beard; dead giveaway!
May want to say handshake as it's one word. Peterpan on celery was a great occidental image.

Nice pome dude.
 — jenakajoffer

You basically shrivelled? Lol
 — jenakajoffer

yes, basically. ;)
thanks, joff.
 — mandolyn

Is there any possibility of omitting "one" in your title? I always read it like this and it sounds nice and smooth to me. Just a thought. Which is entirely mine of course. :)
 — jenakajoffer

i tried reading it without 'one' but i like that little guy...
i'm keeping it as is. sorry it bugs you :(
 — mandolyn

GET OUT FROM UNDER MY DEAD TOMATO PLANTS!!!!  :-O  xoxo!!!  
 — starr

i want to find a worm! :P
 — mandolyn

^ wait, that totally came out wrong.
 — mandolyn

U just STEPPED on one, u clumsy oaf!  SPLATT!!!!  EWWWW!!!  :-O
 — starr

i miss reading 9
:(
 — mandolyn

Me TOO!  Where IS 9?  LOVE him!!!  Is he on FB, Mandee?  Msg. me there if u know and I'll friend him.  :-)
 — starr

^ starr, i don't think he is. i don't think he does social media.
he is wiser than us fools. :)
 — mandolyn

foreverr fave~
 — sylvia

^ when you fave this, you are really faving 9 which is what i wanted :)
 — mandolyn

Well, I don't even know him an I love him for that
 — sylvia

sylvia! where did your poem go??
 — mandolyn

I just wrote it for somebody so I didn't wanna share it with everyone else. So I hid it.
 — zoso_obscene

Meow. Fuck
 — zoso_obscene

It's not like everybody doesn't already know anyway :p
 — zoso_obscene

I like the story here. I like some of the images.
 — wolflarsen

thanks, wolflarsen
40-43 is where it started in my mind.
so i guess i wrote this from the inside out.
 — mandolyn

You guys are all full of poopie,
this was soooo written for ME
 — unknown

whos this about
 — unknown

this is about 9
and his beautiful mind...
 — mandolyn

we were just two hand-me-downs

Easily the best line I've read all night.
 — hanniganau

thanks
i hope he's well... 9, that is.
 — mandolyn

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