poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Spectrum Of Disconnected visions
larrylark

Autistic person
 1
walks in a room
 2
sees
 3
kink in carpet
 4
shaped like a beanstalk.
 5
Bright blinking marble,
 6
pebble,
 7
a medal.
 8
Candlestick holder,
 9
handkerchief ensign,
 10
face mask on cushion,
 11
cake fused with jam
 12
on a plate,
 13
next to twenty five crumbs.
 14
 
 
 
 
 
 
Stub of a ticket,
 15
Blu-tacked to picture frame,
 16
counter for games
 17
of ladders and snakes.
 18
Crack in his head
 19
be-devils the detail
 20
while i try to remove
 21
the scales from my eyes,
 22
to arrive
 23
at a sign-post
 24
near his functioning vision,
 25
closer to seeing
 26
as if for the first time.
 27

19 May 04

Rated 8 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (2): 8, 9

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Comments:

I knew this was you!  I could tell by the line breaks!  :)  My computer is doing something wierd so I'm not going to take the 10 minutes to sign in (running really slow) but I wanted to comment.

I really like this.  I like it that it is from the perspective of autism.  At first from the point of view of the autistic person and then from the point of view of the person visiting, if I got that right.  It is very visual, yet very sporatic at the same time.  The detail in l14 is so great!  I love specifics like this!  

I don't see anything right off that I would change.  I like this as it is and I feel that to change anything would be to take away from the feeling that it has now.  Great job.  I'll rate you when my computer is better.

-amy
 — unknown

Dear Amy

Thanks for the comments .I'm really glad that i'm developing a distinctive style of line break,maybe i should change my name to Larry Linebreak.I wrote this after attending a meeting regarding the education of an autistic child(not my specialist field)and when i arrived home staring at me from a newspaper was an advert asking for donations to help families with autistic children which triggered off the poem
 — larrylark

My computer is better!  You really do have your own style when it comes to line breaks.  I was so excited when I started reading it and logged off just to see if I was right about it being you.  This is a great work.  Just wanted to rate it.
 — amy

Thanks again for your kind remarks .I must tell you i have no structural rational behind where i put the line breaks,i just do it intuitively, by how it feels when i read it out loud.
 — larrylark

my brother is autistic so yeah. nicely written
 — lonelygirl

title sucks.

poem, good.

scales, cliche.

see first time, cliche.

noodle, mnmlst.

rating, 8.
 — noodleman

i used to be autistic

but i couldnt sell any paintings

:(
 — noodleman

lol. i'd buy your paintings. that is, if i had any money.
-lonelygirl
 — lonelygirl

Dear lonelygirl.

I'd let you take your pick for nothing

Larry free as a bird Lark
 — larrylark

thanks larrylark.
 — lonelygirl

i don't know why i like this. but i do.
 — listen

I can relate to things here, some made me laugh quietly as I was reminded of when my infant son used to pick up lint and other small particles off the floor and hand them to me.
Line 14 will probably go over well with the majority of the public since it's so close in reference to the "raymond" everyone knows from the flick, but soon, it will be cliche.
I was considering thinking up ideas to write a poem about sounds, and how my autistic child hears them, how they differ from me and you.  
Like when he was a baby, he sat on the grass in mid-summer and a jetplane roared across the sky, he didn't even notice, didn't look up, didn't cover his ears...
but when I opened a foil wrapper 20 or so feet away, he looked right up at me and notioned to have a peice of the candy.
Interesting poem, I enjoyed, but I'd rip it apart, and I won't do that.  
It's good the way it is, you touch on a couple of the lesser known characteristics.  I have to stop writing this comment, ugh!!!
Just let me say,
I was glad to read a couple poems on the subject today.

Sincerely,
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

Oh yeah, and I really like your use of the word "spectrum" in your title, nicely done.
 — jenakajoffer

i think this poem would soar if you changed 'autistic person' to just 'he'.
maybe say the word somewhere in the poem if you think you need it for other readers, clarity, but i think you don't need it at all.

cheers for writing this beanstalk, larry.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

This flows very well.  I love the imagery and the short, terse lines.  It is very confident.  I'm a big fan of disconnected images.  Like a collage.  
I only don't like the last line.  It sounds too connected to the line before it.  Like you are trying to find a way to end the poem meaningfully and sound profound.  It has too much meaning and is a little cliche.  I would stay away from a simile at the end and just tack on another disconnected image.  Remain true to the rest of the poem.
 — SodaKid

line 22 is a good little way of putting it: hefty.
reminds me of lady justice
all blindfolded and such.
the rest was okay
not great
but primus admits
"they can't all be zingers"
 — chuckle_s

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 — apple3580

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