poetry critical

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there was this
hank

i was the poor bumpkin friend amongst the mourners
 1
i remember at his funeral party his older brother
 2
recited a poem he wrote from when he was eleven
 3
many were prep school kids, hotchkiss kids
 4
dressed properly for a funeral do sat on the grass listening
 5
i think somebody even played some music yes i'm sure of it
 6
i remember feeling quite alone then
 7
 
 
i was in back, probably improperly dressed
 8
hovering 'neath trees and like the treeline not really there
 9
i lost my best friend whereas others lost a fellow
 10
i lost the awkward kid who was allergic to bees
 11
 
 
who would upon seeing one dive off the boat only to lose his eyeglasses
 12
who you could hear coming because he was too lazy to pick up his feet
 13
and who was equally indolent at judging others
 14

6 Jan 14

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(455 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

yes yes yes yes yes yes
 — DeformedLion

line 9 a hard..£%Idoui3. but got it now.
deformedlion - nice yes's.
 — hank

fine work hank
 — DeformedLion

Hi Hank. I enjoyed your poem a lot. one thing though - I reckon line 9 probably improperly is a real mouthful and caused a stumble every time I read/reread it.
Typo line 16 goff? Enjoyed - actually took me back to something very similar in my childhood. Thanks, Scott
 — scottnoidea

hello scott. i'm responding to you because you seem really nice. and because i like your handle.
you're right, line nine is probably a mouthful
didn't necessarily want it to become a stumbling point in the poem
however, did want it to identify my outsiderishness at that particular time
so if it is a bit cumbersome i'm ok with that

thank you for reading it and giving this poem consideration
goff is not a typo.
 — hank

how about an 'and' in L7 "some came to me and exchanged condolences ..."
i love L11
great end. great poem.
 — mandolyn

^ or a comma after 'me' in L7
 — mandolyn

scott,
i am probably trying to say to much in that line
there is usually a pivot point in my poems
that line is the one in this one
they're usually the most difficult and forced but
at some point, sometime, somewhere
you must stop, end, say to yourself 'i said it'
and let it be.
cheers. ty.
 — hank

thought of a comma in seven but didn't really think it improved the reading experience
thought that if i added the pause, would only be doing it for literary purposes
and not because it improved the...what do you call it? understanding of what is being said...
 — hank

in fact, when i reread it i read 'so came to me...' instead of 'some came to me' and i'm going to change that
 — hank

I think the proper thing to do deserves it's own line ty.
 — scottnoidea

i like that now
whew
 — hank

it's ok. thanks scott.
 — hank

thanks guys (and girls)
have worked some kinks out of this one with your help.
thanks.
 — hank

^ OK.. We getit.
 — unknown

i like your poem but how is goff not a typo?  i don't get it.  might as well write  : i miss you golf :
 — Treadwell

maybe goff is the name of the person. nickname ... whatever. i like that it's not a typo.
 — mandolyn

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