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Poem-Stunned | Post-Stupor
fractalcore

today, i stared --
 1
mounted on a pile
 2
of crumbs of longing
 3
and wanting you
 4
so bad --
 5
into my own
 6
bewilderment:
 7
how can you deprive me
 8
of all dignity
 9
by
 10
just being you?
 11
today, you've outdone yourself,
 12
burning my misery to ashes,
 13
devoid of words which, clearly,
 14
are yours to weave for me
 15
to breathe.
 16
today, life gushes
 17
in a steady stream,
 18
in words, inward,
 19
indeed.
 20




look at what you've done to me,
you most-beautiful creature you.

14 Feb 14

Rated 10 (8.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (13): 1, 1, 1, 1, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(205 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

feels like a guest on a talk show talking about her baby daddy

staring at one's own bewilderment is an interesting idea, though. what about personifying bewilderment in a more visual and less conceptual way

speaking of concepts, ideas such as dignity, misery, and longing are kind of a poetic buzz-kill. subscribe more to the "show, don't tell" methodology and pieces about feelings become more vivid and unique. otherwise, everybody has felt and said pretty much the same thing before.

the ending L19-20 is a little bit clever, but a little bit of clever cannot sustain a piece in its entirety
 — looniverse

tis good. tis very good
 — sylvia

agree with Sylvia..
 — JKWeb

Jk concurs he knows his shyt man:)
 — sylvia

wonderful, frac!
 — mandolyn

thanks, guys, though i very much agree with looniverse -- very gneiss handle right there, incidentally, apart from the very keen observation.

making sense has always been my hugest problem in writing, as if i were using the wrong words. i'm inclined to think that, with this particular piece, i've managed to write like most people... which is sort of an accomplishment for me in some respect.

JKWebster sir, sylvia, and rubber mandee, how long has looniverse been here for? his/her critique style is not to be ignored.

:)
 — fractalcore

to reinforce looniverse's input, this is what most people these days would call 'prose poem', an oxymoronic anomaly which i don't quite understand myself. it is obviously-linear and, like what [s]he said, written with/in a 'prosaic' or 'talk-show' psyche.

elsewhere on the interwebs, i signed my footnote with this:

"~ Prosaic-S____ aka fractalcore"

S____ is my actual nickname and that's to tell my readers/friends that i'm very well-aware of the kind of sh*t i'm dishing out.

looniverse, you seem to know what you're talking about. welcome to PC!

;)
 — fractalcore

this is different sounding for you, fract.  i don't see the math or the universe this time ;)

this is a lovely poem to share on valentine's day, your words here express a deep connection and it's nice to be able to connect to others through your poetry.  for once, i can, lololololol.  

my favourite in this is "so bad", it's so bad, you have to love it.
 — jenakajoffer

romanticism begins as such, moon-moon ripples through, as frisson and fool, we forget and take our leave, where you end and I begin, lips press and then, we need...
 — AlchemiA

if i will twist this, i'm saying yoi're talking to yourself? or am i just not mislead all along? but all 10
 — unknown

hi, jen & Alc.

today, i've officially become a people person.

:p
 — fractalcore

thunks, unk.

get out of the bunkers, so we won't be misled.

:p
 — fractalcore

THIS is GORGOUS!!!  I LOVE L's 12-20!  I can "feel" the love! :-)
 — starr

Granny
 — unknown

This veers into a narrow gyre, rolling 'round the moment into more, there where you are, surrounded by what life is for...
 — AlchemiA

thank you, starr & AlchemiA.

ey there, granny unk.
;)
 — fractalcore

gran loves you
 — unknown

oh, that's sweet.
:)
 — fractalcore

yeah
 — unknown

^ double yeah
 — unknown

i love this one, i remember it. so glad to see it peek at us!
 — mandolyn

happy international women's day.

;)
 — fractalcore

Avec les mots incompétents comme le centre de la conversation, la tension devant tout le monde est éliminée, de sorte que de nouveaux amis peuvent sentir votre chaleureuse et attentionnée. C'est l'une des façons d'utiliser les compétences de conversation avec souplesse. Le monde est vaste et humain. Pendant la conversation, je rencreplique montre parce qu'ils sont profondément inférieurs ou incompréhensibles devant vous. En ce moment, vous devriez saisir avec précision cette mentalité, suivre la tentation et minimiser le sujet.
 — unknown

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