|Poem-Stunned | Post-Stupor
today, i stared --
mounted on a pile
of crumbs of longing
and wanting you
so bad --
into my own
how can you deprive me
of all dignity
just being you?
today, you've outdone yourself,
burning my misery to ashes,
devoid of words which, clearly,
are yours to weave for me
today, life gushes
in a steady stream,
in words, inward,
look at what you've done to me,
you most-beautiful creature you.
14 Feb 14
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feels like a guest on a talk show talking about her baby daddy
staring at one's own bewilderment is an interesting idea, though. what about personifying bewilderment in a more visual and less conceptual way
speaking of concepts, ideas such as dignity, misery, and longing are kind of a poetic buzz-kill. subscribe more to the "show, don't tell" methodology and pieces about feelings become more vivid and unique. otherwise, everybody has felt and said pretty much the same thing before.
the ending L19-20 is a little bit clever, but a little bit of clever cannot sustain a piece in its entirety
tis good. tis very good
agree with Sylvia..
Jk concurs he knows his shyt man:)
thanks, guys, though i very much agree with looniverse -- very gneiss handle right there, incidentally, apart from the very keen observation.
making sense has always been my hugest problem in writing, as if i were using the wrong words. i'm inclined to think that, with this particular piece, i've managed to write like most people... which is sort of an accomplishment for me in some respect.
JKWebster sir, sylvia, and rubber mandee, how long has looniverse been here for? his/her critique style is not to be ignored.
to reinforce looniverse's input, this is what most people these days would call 'prose poem', an oxymoronic anomaly which i don't quite understand myself. it is obviously-linear and, like what [s]he said, written with/in a 'prosaic' or 'talk-show' psyche.
elsewhere on the interwebs, i signed my footnote with this:
"~ Prosaic-S____ aka fractalcore"
S____ is my actual nickname and that's to tell my readers/friends that i'm very well-aware of the kind of sh*t i'm dishing out.
looniverse, you seem to know what you're talking about. welcome to PC!
this is different sounding for you, fract. i don't see the math or the universe this time ;)
this is a lovely poem to share on valentine's day, your words here express a deep connection and it's nice to be able to connect to others through your poetry. for once, i can, lololololol.
my favourite in this is "so bad", it's so bad, you have to love it.
romanticism begins as such, moon-moon ripples through, as frisson and fool, we forget and take our leave, where you end and I begin, lips press and then, we need...
if i will twist this, i'm saying yoi're talking to yourself? or am i just not mislead all along? but all 10
hi, jen & Alc.
today, i've officially become a people person.
get out of the bunkers, so we won't be misled.
THIS is GORGOUS!!! I LOVE L's 12-20! I can "feel" the love! :-)
This veers into a narrow gyre, rolling 'round the moment into more, there where you are, surrounded by what life is for...
thank you, starr & AlchemiA.
ey there, granny unk.
gran loves you
oh, that's sweet.
^ double yeah
i love this one, i remember it. so glad to see it peek at us!
happy international women's day.