poetry critical

online poetry workshop

A Story That Tells A Face

You didn't walk into my life or fall, like some poets say.
You were left
by a boy asking for directions.
I said "Hold up, what about her?" nodding towards your slender frame, bent mouth, slouching like you were through.
"Look man, do you mind?" he asked. "I have somewhere I gotta be and I just ––thanks"
He drove off without kissing you good-bye or telling you he'd be back
just like that.
"Asshole" I muttered
You went to the piano and sat down; said you wished you could play
and pressed the black keys.
There were two band-aids on your knee and I wondered what it looked like underneath ––a shaving incident?
Climbing a tree because you were still young enough?  
Your hair reminded me of a weeping willow.
"Scoot over" I said, sitting down on the bench beside you.
You flinched like I was too close and it broke me inside.
The tenderness you blew was loud,
and it curbed the static I had been hearing
most of my life.
I took your hand as if it were a burden and placed it on mine,
then I began to play Bach, Goldberg Variations.
You moved closer and watched me while your hands rode on top of my own.
I will never forget the feeling of your face,
how I wanted to stop playing and look at you and know you
and tell you no matter what happens, my heart would remain vacant if you wish.

30 Apr 14

Rated 9.7 (9.6) by 8 users.
Active (8):
Inactive (8): 5, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)

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i liked this, not the biggest fan of the 3-5 line, one word poems around here, this was refreshing
 — kripto

what a tender write..very nice! loved it!!
 — Tlotli

What do you two like about this? I'm curious, as it hits a brick wall IMO.
 — unknown

Made some edits too.
 — unknown

Hmm..I kind of getting the gist. Are you?
 — unknown

i like 16-18
 — mandolyn

i didn't mention what i liked about it. the author wants to know what we like about it...
i guess i like the fact it doesn't need to end. i like how you just said 'scoot over' and took her hands so she could feel what it was like to play the piano and you didn't exchange anymore words in that moment but described that ONE feeling you received when she flinched-- that was great. it broke you. that may come off cliche, but i think it works.

i would suggest using a different word for 'broke' in L15 as you already have it in L17. they both work but you could level this up by doing that :)
maybe a comma after 'back' in L6?
but i am not a good comma advice giver. commas and i like tripping each other.

overall this is a great, simple piece that feels heavy in a good way. :)
 — mandolyn

Thank you for such thorough thoughts, Mandee. I appreciate your insight. ... should I write part 2?
 — unknown

^ heck yes
 — mandolyn

 — unknown

I think it would be cool if you said slouching like you went through life. The meaning of this poem confuses me. I remember it though and I remember it grabbing ahold of my the first time I read it..........
 — sylvia

It's so bittersweet I love it :/
 — sylvia

or change 'like' to 'as if'

as if! :)
 — sassenach

It's not that good. I don't see it.
 — unknown

(Sigh...)  Another absolute MASTERPIECE b4 bed 2nite!  Stunning, tug-at-your-lonely-heartstrings verbal beauty.  My second instant fave b4 hittin' the hay.  Nite nite!  :-)
 — starr

"This Does Not Conclude Our Story?"  Does this mean there's also no film at 11?  ;-)
Y'know...it wouldn't hurt to tack on "This Evening" after "Story" in the title; makes it sound like the nightly news.  Either way, complete and utter written gorgeousness.  :-)
 — starr

Found a new title. Starr- thanks again man.
 — unknown

this title is way better. way.
 — mandolyn

The intimacy in this is written so very well.
It's a friendship of intimacy ... and the intimacy of friends, beautiful sadness of a closeness that can only be this thing and nothing more, not that it needs to be and from that it becomes an ever-lasting love.

I can hear your Bach .. it's the thematic music I have to parts of my life and know it well in the context you write into it.

A good read.
 — jenn

I agree. It's deep and tender.
 — unknown

they both feel different, yet still connected.
 — mandolyn

kick-ass.  I especially like from 9 on.  a suggestion if I may offer?

omit 'with life' from the end of 4?

really rocks nonetheless.
 — JKWeb

Jkweb, thanks man. I will remove those words and see how it plays out.
 — yield

I like girls who comment a lot and this poem
 — unknown

nice writing.
 — greenmantle

Is it really that great? I mean, read it again. It's just a short story. Nothing special.
I've read much better stories. I've written better stories. I'm surprised how much attention this is getting.
Thanks, I guess/
 — unknown

Thanks for speaking up for me. I didn't realize what a pussy I was until that comment.^
I appreciate it.

 — unknown

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

~  the tenderness you blew was loud........a line that brings everything else into focus, I very much like this piece.( The old codger is taking up space in my head...I am enjoying him.)
 — blackibird

Thanks, I still say its shit.
 — unknown

Author, can you just accept the subjective opinions of the readers?  I find this interesting without being cloying.  A child given away for how long?  Ever?  The afternoon?  I am interested in what happens next, do you hide her, keep her, call the authorities, adopt her?  You left me caring about this child and your response to her.  That's a lot for any poet to expect.
 — Isabelle5

You seem uptight ^
 — unknown

 — unknown

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

Because grammar, line 20 is a complete sentence

Weeping willow line threw me off a bit, seemed obvious.

Otherwise, loved it.
 — technomancer

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

Ooooh, such a lovely sentiment and well-written!
 — aforbing

Eh, not my favorite. Well-written but it feels too prosey to me.
 — Known

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