|you don't need gloves, i know which hands are yours.
remember when the altitude spoke for us...
sitting in a park, trees drugging us with the quiet
you put your hand on my knee and told me
you would let me down-
it was the first time you looked me in the eye
without smiling, the first time you felt your initials
scarred into my bones
you didn't even know-
your thumb was nervous there,
skimming the dent where i became a child again
and i didn't know what to say to you
because my words had not yet graduated
like yours; they were still in a sandbox,
digging for something that glistened-
i told you i didn't feel like swimming,
escaping the subject at hand, your hand
still on my knee cap, not sure what to do next...
it was a fantastic grip, one i would write about later
while listening to thunder
through my bedroom window, calling off any
sadness that thinks it belongs in my room.
you said it was not a good day to get wet
and moved your fingers to the grass
where a dandelion stared at us both, cheering
us on with its stretched spine and billowy face
-you snapped it from the root and placed it
in my lap
i could hear laughter by the swing set
so i got up, the weed already decaying
as it hit the ground- i raced to that sound of
privilege filling the air, remembering
a tickled tummy with every upward soar
the motion sickness of falling back, eyes closed
hours of being able to breathe
you asked if you could push me-
i said you'd done enough,
then bravely kissed your cheek.
a storm was leaning against the hills,
waiting for take-off.
12 May 14
Rated 5.5 (9.1) by 2 users.
Active (2): 1, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 4, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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Go test your blood pressure
^i'd rather test 31 flavors
had to change 'sparkled'. realized someone else used that word in a recent poem and didn't want them to think i was stealing their idea. crazy how that happens! out of all the words in the entire world... :)
Last line is troubling me.
Incomplete or completely good. Fuck me. Who cares.
i hate last lines _____________________________________________!
alright, i'm going to bug it.
I get you,
4th line needs some TLC too.
Put your hand on my knee and told me
You would let me down
I would let you down
yeah, i was thinking about that too. thanks! :)
but c'mon seriously. i hate flowers. i mean, they die. so...
does this poem reek of a floral arrangement?
It's good. A bit pink around the edges but it's no bridal shower. I know those make you gag.
(We know it's yours) ;-)
Sorry if I ruined something.
^ you did.
not really. i just want HONEST feedback.
negativity is welcome as long its followed with some helpful hints or tips.
£¥£ like this.
what's up with all the unknown? (i know some are me ^ up there, but still...)
i miss that baby blue ~
eye like how you did that.
This is fantastic. I love the story & several lines. My faves..."your initials scarred into my bones", "sadness that thinks it belongs in my room" & "told me you would let me down" (Dig the double meaning).
I appreciate your keen emotional memory that shows in lines 9, 10, 18, 19.
The characters of author & muse are clearly present in this piece, and are nicely developed around the playground setting.
You are a gymnast as you stuck your landing. Great, strong final stanza!
wow, thanks again modiva. i appreciate your lengthy critique. you don't see many of those anymore. i wish i cold give as much as you just did to others on here. i will make it a priority... when i have time, of course. :)
rock n roll Ms. M
^^ lol. yes, i see that now. my smile is a knot
I love this poem and i wouldn't change a damn thing. A ten from me.
thanks, patricia. nice to see you!
"My smile is a knot" You should add that to your next poem ^^^
I do like this very much mando. One of my favorites.
Some very good lines here!
All of this is beautiful and evocative imagery. Ah: young love. L35-37 cement this as excellent in my book. The ending is brilliant in forcing the reader to look away from the emotional narrative, and then forward towards possibility. The weather allusions were handled wonderfully: sparse yet representative of the movement of the poem, both psychologically and emotionally.
The first stanza is excellent. It's so full of a balance between pauses and rushes, it does a brilliant job of expressing the feeling of the situation, and it does so at times between the words. Bringing the poem from memory to that present time of writing is wonderfully done. L20 and 21 are soul stirring. The description of the dandelion and it's fate also spoke volumes.
Very well done with this.
thanks, wolf and shelby. and thanks shelby for that thorough crit.
This is really good, Mandee. Just a snap-reaction on first read through: it somehow loses momentum 32-34. Nothing about it is wrong, but just an observation. what else can I say, but bravisimo
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