poetry critical

online poetry workshop



you don't need gloves, i know which hands are yours.
mandolyn

remember when the altitude spoke for us...
 1
sitting in a park, trees drugging us with the quiet
 2
 
 
you put your hand on my knee and told me
 3
you would let me down-
 4
it was the first time you looked me in the eye
 5
without smiling, the first time you felt your initials
 6
scarred into my bones
 7
you didn't even know-
 8
 
 
your thumb was nervous there,
 9
skimming the dent where i became a child again
 10
and i didn't know what to say to you
 11
because my words had not yet graduated
 12
like yours; they were still in a sandbox,
 13
digging for something that glistened-
 14
 
 
i told you i didn't feel like swimming,
 15
escaping the subject at hand, your hand
 16
still on my knee cap, not sure what to do next...
 17
 
 
it was a fantastic grip, one i would write about later
 18
while listening to thunder
 19
through my bedroom window, calling off any
 20
sadness that thinks it belongs in my room.
 21
 
 
you said it was not a good day to get wet
 22
and moved your fingers to the grass
 23
where a dandelion stared at us both, cheering
 24
us on with its stretched spine and billowy face
 25
-you snapped it from the root and placed it
 26
in my lap
 27
 
 
i could hear laughter by the swing set
 28
so i got up, the weed already decaying
 29
as it hit the ground- i raced to that sound of
 30
privilege filling the air, remembering
 31
a tickled tummy with every upward soar
 32
the motion sickness of falling back, eyes closed
 33
hours of being able to breathe
 34
 
 
you asked if you could push me-
 35
i said you'd done enough,
 36
then bravely kissed your cheek.
 37
a storm was leaning against the hills,
 38
already packed
 39
waiting for take-off.
 40

12 May 14

Rated 5.5 (9.1) by 2 users.
Active (2): 1
Inactive (9): 4, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(219 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Go test your blood pressure
 — unknown

^i'd rather test 31 flavors
 — unknown

had to change 'sparkled'. realized someone else used that word in a recent poem and didn't want them to think i was stealing their idea. crazy how that happens! out of all the words in the entire world... :)
 — unknown

Last line is troubling me.
Incomplete or completely good.     Fuck me. Who cares.
 — unknown

ugh.
i hate last lines _____________________________________________!

alright, i'm going to bug it.
 — unknown

I get you,
 — unknown

4th line needs some TLC too.

Put your hand on my knee and told me
You would let me down

OR
I would let you down

Ha!
No?
 — unknown

yeah, i was thinking about that too. thanks! :)
 — unknown

but c'mon seriously. i hate flowers. i mean, they die. so...
does this poem reek of a floral arrangement?
 — unknown

It's good. A bit pink around the edges but it's no bridal shower. I know those make you gag.
Mandee.

(We know it's yours) ;-)

Sorry if I ruined something.
 — unknown

^ you did.
not really. i just want HONEST feedback.

negativity is welcome as long its followed with some helpful hints or tips.
 — mandolyn

£¥£ like this.
 — unknown

what's up with all the unknown? (i know some are me ^ up there, but still...)
i miss that baby blue ~

thanks^
eye like how you did that.
 — mandolyn

This is fantastic. I love the story & several lines. My faves..."your initials scarred into my bones", "sadness that thinks it belongs in my room" & "told me you would let me down" (Dig the double meaning).
I appreciate your keen emotional memory that shows in lines 9, 10, 18, 19.
The characters of author & muse are clearly present in this piece, and are nicely developed around the playground setting.
You are a gymnast as you stuck your landing. Great, strong final stanza!
 — Modiva

wow, thanks again modiva. i appreciate your lengthy critique. you don't see many of those anymore. i wish i cold give as much as you just did to others on here. i will make it a priority... when i have time, of course. :)
 — mandolyn

Soon.
 — unknown

rock n roll Ms. M
 — Modiva

^^ lol. yes, i see that now. my smile is a knot

modiva, :)
 — mandolyn

I love this poem and i wouldn't change a damn thing.  A ten from me.
 — PatriciaSan

thanks, patricia. nice to see you!
 — mandolyn

"My smile is a knot" You should add that to your next poem ^^^
 — unknown

I do like this very much mando. One of my favorites.
 — unknown

Some very good lines here!
 — wolflarsen

All of this is beautiful and evocative imagery. Ah: young love. L35-37 cement this as excellent in my book. The ending is brilliant in forcing the reader to look away from the emotional narrative, and then forward towards possibility. The weather allusions were handled wonderfully: sparse yet representative of the movement of the poem, both psychologically and emotionally.

The first stanza is excellent. It's so full of a balance between pauses and rushes, it does a brilliant job of expressing the feeling of the situation, and it does so at times between the words. Bringing the poem from memory to that present time of writing is wonderfully done. L20 and 21 are soul stirring. The description of the dandelion and it's fate also spoke volumes.

Very well done with this.
 — ShelbyS

thanks, wolf and shelby. and thanks shelby for that thorough crit.
 — mandolyn

This is really good, Mandee. Just a snap-reaction on first read through: it somehow loses momentum 32-34. Nothing about it is wrong, but just an observation. what else can I say, but bravisimo
 — sixtywatt

We appreciate you turning out to be well thoughtful as well as for using variety of useful useful sous vetement calvin klein homme guides millions of individuals are really wanting to understand about. Our own sincere nike air max thea homme regret for not saying thanks to you sooner.
 — maxhommepas

free cheap cialis pills is Tadalafil that belongs to a group of CIALIS for daily.  
 — unknown

Recent Best (expand)
    0.309s