poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Some Apology

Turn up your speaker so you know for sure
it is me. My voice is not some fathead on
a phone. I mean what I say this time- even
if the air in my lungs is flat, my tires roll on
to get where they need to be, to take me to you-
This is not a plea for you to reach out.
-Or is it?
The gong sounds from this mountain,
my camp is set on your rock of ages.
I had fun dropping hosanna from the
nosebleed section of your heart. And I
know a psalm means more to you than my
steadfast cheer --which is just a weak reaction
to you loving the wrong man.
I know I've wrecked myself too many times
inside those valves, forgetting to clean up.
The turns are dangerous at night, the curves
remind me of a hobby I once had. Throwing
wrenches down a well, listening to the sound
of being stranded, knowing this is hard now,
this is one hell of a long night I will never be
able to see with sober eyes again.
I crash on purpose to wake you up, to make
sure you're still infatuated with the idea of us
sitting closer, no longer pacing inside a photograph.
Please don't force a shut down inside yourself
because of me. I only came back to open you up,
look for life, drag my guilt around your dusty chamber
and ask the caretaker how long it's been
since a prowler last broke in.

18 Jun 14

Rated 10 (9.9) by 5 users.
Active (5):
Inactive (6): 5, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
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Good poetry, I suppose. .
 — unknown

Or is it...?
 — unknown

suck the life outta me, i love this.
20-22 especially. this writing feels familiar.
nosebleed section of your heart. :)
you could get more spiffy and say 'nosebleed section of your thoratic cavity'
no, don't. doesn't even go and that is reserved for something a little more silly.
i don't find this poem to be silly at all.
 — mandolyn

L4 - "The air in my tires are flat?"  How can air be flat?  You'd have to say "my tires are flat, rolling on..."  Otherwise, nice, emotive little piece.  Maybe some line breaks to free it up a bit, but on the whole, pretty good.  :-)
 — starr

I can't get over it.
 — unknown

Starr thank you for noticing that. Made changes. Probably fucked it up.
 — unknown

^^can't get over what? Nice pom-pom.
 — unknown

this is terribly catching my attention, but, it's all there is. 10
 — Amaranta

:-)  Nice job!  U didn't fuck anything up at ALL!
 — starr

Hi. My speaker is broken. braille me? Thnx. xoxo.
 — unknown

What? It means I can't stop reading it
 — unknown

i can't either.

oops, my eyes just had an accident. :(
 — mandolyn

i sure hope this puts my steak knife down. ;)
that thing is a butter knife compared. no, a plastic knife.
 — mandolyn

Nice pom-poms? Thanks
 — unknown

Yeh, there's an attempt to mess around a bit here and flip things inside out and go off at interesting angles.

It's pieces, though, glued together with a overly familiar paste.

I do like 'the nosebleed section of your heart' ... a good theatre reference :)
 — jenn

I think they were calling this poem a pom-pom.^ There is a cheesy cheer.
Thanks everyone. It's not That good. In fact I'd say it's just some pretty shit.
But thansk.
 — unknown

Don't be square. Take mandolyns knife!
 — unknown

take mandolyns knife! Take mandolyns knife! Take mandolyns knife!
sorry, my mom is calling me. I think it's bed time.
 — unknown

I"m not holding Mandee's knife.I think it is past your bedtime. That or you skipped your daily dose of calm the fuck down.
 — unknown

heyyyy. I was just giving your poem some love. >:-/
 — unknown

This should be called something cool. Like, "Ether", or "Independent Rear-Wheel Suspension"' or "Death by Fiery Car Crash."
 — unknown

^^^^ lol, i thought it was funny. especially the mom part.
 — mandolyn

I thought of Ether, but it was already taken. Then I thought straight out Dookie. Just going with 'Balls' or 'Dookie'. Fuck it, I'm just glad someone actually realizes this poem is shit.
 — unknown

Hey Mandee, some of those comments were from me. Some weren't. So we know there's at least two unknowns here, but probably more.
 — unknown

^ are you the author?
 — mandolyn

Yes. But Ramses is not dancing at his party. He's a real dooooosh.
 — unknown

^lol, "they don't think i know crap about the gospel but i doooo."
 — mandolyn

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

^^^^ Yes. ^^^ No. ^ No
 — unknown

What the hell? Who are you muppets?
 — unknown

Your talk is cheap. Nobody fave'd this pom-pom. The author probably went back to flipping burgers.
 — unknown

my talk ain't cheap. i was just hesitating a really long time.
also, i don't think any of you who commented are the real author.
maybe the comment to starr, and the dookie one.

i need to stop reading this stupid poem. it's so stupid.
so so stupid.

i'm fave'ing.
 — mandolyn

Sorry your apology is some. Here's a coupon to omit your poem from Top Rated list. Love, Donald.
 — unknown

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

I guess getting freaky on my literature is considered a compliment?
Only two of those unknowns up there were me^
I was in Merced jammin' with Brother Thelonius and Smith the past few days.
One of them said to add more to this "Dookie" So I did. I appreciate the party
you guys threw.
Let me know if I have overfed this monstrosity. Beer bellies aren't very cool anymore.
 — yield

you overfed this monsteritousistylabelee. Hold on I will sound the gong. ! ! !
jk. You are good. Can you post a relally bad poem? thanks.
 — unknown

^^^ that comment cracked me up.

i like the changes you made. i won't un-fave it now.
 — mandolyn

wheres the changes?
 — unknown

What if I told you......I wrote this for my cat?
 — yield

 — unknown

^^ that was funny
 — mandolyn

U.r. aMAZING!  I can SEE how u would write this for a KITTY!  I LOVE IT even MORE now!  Genius!!!  :-)  
 — starr

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

Starr- don't be naive son.
 — unknown

Thanks for that starr. I was being facetious about the cat thing.Don't even have a cat. But what if I told you............. I wrote this for  my razor?
 — unknown

I feel this is okay if you like angst thickly applied. Feels over reaching emotionally.
 — unknown

alrighty, it's been awhile since i spat a song title, here you go...
paradise circus by massive attack.
then replay it.
 — mandolyn

 — unknown

The song I mean ^^
 — unknown

the song is 'paradise circus massive attack burial' -to be exact. i guess there are different versions.
 — mandolyn

and apparently they have been around awhile and i had no clue. see how much i love sitting in crevices and caves?
 — mandolyn

I know the song Mandee. I've played it several times in the past. She has a good voice. Sounds a little like yours when you dive into a song =)
 — yield

where is your traveling bee-hind?
 — mandolyn

 — unknown

Yield checked out. ?
 — unknown

no. recurrent. maybe i dunno.
 — unknown

Who are we?
 — unknown

Petty behavior only creates static when you think you're about to hear a good song.
 — yield

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

"and time
is taking its sweet time erasing you..."
 — mandolyn

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

yield, where has your middle finger ran off to?
 — mandolyn

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

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