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Duress
Rossant

The bitter moon is serenaded by a bugle
 1
attention meanders hither,
 2
fate decrees no tadpoles this summer;
 3
Herons having  waded in.
 4
 
 
Nature is in duress
 5
like straw truncating a donkeys dream,
 6
lost Leitmotifs are then curiously re-played,
 7
the hosts welter, and succumb with the plight,
 8
turning  cascading  memory.
 9
 
 
They flee the waking  season
 10
no familial part of  the bucolic,
 11
than their own  silent  thoughts
 12
whirling downstream.
 13

3 Jul 14

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Comments:

This is absolutely beautiful!  The only quip I have with it is the odd, ineffective puntucation that happens at the end of L3.  It might read better if you punctuate it like this:  v

fate decrees no tadpoles this summer;
Herons having waded in.

(Line Break)

Nature is in duress,
straw truncating a donkey's dream,
lost Leitmotifs are then curiously replayed (no hyphen needed and no comma)
and the hosts welter (no comma, no and) succumbing (gerund) to the plight
turning cascading memory.

(Line Break)

The flee the waking season
no familiar part of nature (no comma needed and you've already got "nature" up in L5.)  I might think of another word there to avoid redundance.  
tah their own silent thoughts
whirling downstream (one word.)

I think having this as one giant cluster of words is what could potentially do it in.  Break it up like the branches and the leaves are broken up, afterall, not even Nature is perfectly whole.  Ya DIG????  :-)
 — starr

nice
 — unknown

excellent picture of nature in distress
 — unknown

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