poetry critical

online poetry workshop



December 2 '03
madderhatter

Air of the chill,
 1
colder and colder.
 2
Still of the dark
 3
beginning to smolder,
 4
Breathe my breaths fallingdown your shoulders.
 5
 
 
Kisses brushing pass our sighs,
 6
let the stare soften your eyes,
 7
while my silk slips about your sides.
 8
 
 
Still of the air around my waist.
 9
Keeping the look,
 10
facing the pace,
 11
grip of the blues,
 12
the soft of your face,
 13
glaze of the pearl,
 14
its syrpy taste.
 15
 
 
Up on the paisley,
 16
the smoothest sin.
 17
Take the wheel
 18
Slide in.
 19
 
 
Sipping the gin
 20
abd groping my win.
 21
 
 
I'll be the yin.
 22
You be my yang
 23
let it go,
 24
let it hang
 25
as hot as a song swirling
 26
digging fangs.
 27
 
 
Twirling the hair,
 28
reaching for air
 29
and catchin your stare.
 30
Have me here, take me now.
 31
I've finally been found.
 32

4 Jun 04

Rated 10 (9.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 8, 10

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Comments:

You left a nice comment and a good rating on one of my poems ('Silence') recently so I figured I would repay the favor.

I really like this and the way it flows. Sometimes rhyme is good, but not always. I think you've done a pretty good job of keeping it relatively simple and not overdoing the rhyme. Here's just a couple minor errors...
L8- should be either "your" or "our." Not sure which one you meant.
L15- "syrupy"
L30- "for?"

Overall, very nice. 8
 — LifeSucks

nicey done
 — unknown

Oooo sexual. hot
 — unknown
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