poetry critical

online poetry workshop

after a blow-job

from a brown haired woman
i've kept on the string for many years
i sat on her couch
while she took a shower.
a bedroom door opened,
her seven year old son came out.
what's that? he asked.
a window air conditioner
i helped your mom put it in.
he stood there shirtless
playing with the knobs
for a very long time.
willy got punched at school today, he said,
still playing with the knobs.
right in the rib
all his breath came out
he fell on the ground.
everyone punches willy.
he carries that blanket
with boogers all over it.
his dad punches him too
there's a rainbow on his back
he showed me.
dylan leave justin alone
it's past your bedtime,
his mom came out of the shower
in a robe
with a towel around her head.
he disappeared down the hallway
and turned around.
when can we see justin again?
i don't know baby
let mom
figure it out.

27 Oct 14

Rated 10 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (4): 1, 5, 7, 10, 10

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OooooooooooooooooooooooooKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Though you might have had a good blowjob, I don't have 2 tell u that this is not indicative in any way via this poem and the title seems to invite shock factor more than it does anything else especially where the focus is on Willie.  I'd rethink the title, rework some of the linebreaks and punctuation and zip up yo pantz.  Additionally, there is no introduction (to the reader/s) of Dylan and Justin.  Who are they and what do they have 2 do with Willie?  The end line is rather flat.  Finally, L22 is the best part of this piece.  I like the "rainbow on his back."  I would fine-tune this and turn up the color/volume throughout.  :-)
 — starr

 — starr

Not that good. You can do better than this.
 — unknown

If you can't be bothered punctuating properly why bother with the odd random comma?

I not i

Willy & Justin not w and j

Why would any one bother with this if you can't be bothered presenting it properly.

Just laziness? or don't know any better?
 — unknown

lol people here are really nit picky. i guess its more about good looks than personality. the name drew me in and i like this. its something you cant fully appreciate until you've finished reading which keeps you engaged for the entire piece. good job
 — fogotten

Dylan leave Justin alone came from nowhere and breaks the story. I thought the story about Willy had no punch line its was an observation rather than central to the more interestng story the man and womans relationship. The bow job reference serves well she's in a fix and the guy gets the benefits, but why?
 — gallard

I bet Hyde is sitting back laughing at the lot of you.
 — unknown

A great poem positive imagery
 — gallard

Brilliant poem
 — Rossant

prose not poetry
 — unknown

 — unknown

brilliant reflection of real world
 — rivergood

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