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hourglass, our glass, our
mandolyn

you left me blank– white washed
 1
wondering where to put myself
 2
inside your coat, outside your door
 3
i almost went back to bed
 4
 
 
eternity is no different
 5
when you're altering light,
 6
if my room is dim
 7
it's because you unscrewed the bulb
 8
and told me to find a candle
 9
 
 
my oil lamp is you, you see
 10
it's been centuries
 11
since i wrote you in calligraphy
 12
callousing my middle finger on a clapboard
 13
(i pressed so hard)
 14
 
 
my initials are tired
 15
stained with vintage sweat
 16
 
 
my chore is you, you know
 17
if i bend over to pick you up
 18
out of the past
 19
it hurts
 20
 
 
so i sand the table we shared;
 21
you chisel picture frames
 22
and bench me with pencils
 23
 
 
i make faces
 24
on a rickety bar stool
 25
you swore you fixed,
 26
 
 
but i fell off again
 27
trying to spin myself back to a barn,
 28
before the fire broke out
 29
in your choice to
 30
leave me alone with the wick
 31

10 Nov 14

Rated 9.7 (9.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 10
Inactive (24): 5, 5, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Damn you and your genius titles. I just love 16-21 but the whole turkey is delicious.
I keep reading voice instead of choice. My bad.
 — unknown

Wow! Turkey, yes...or cake.
 — Modiva

maybe go with:

'our hourglass is empty'  for the title?

killer poem.
 — JKWeb

how's that title, web?
too weird?
good.

thanks, for reading this rickety piece of work.

thanks, modiva! (i say cake! turkey is for hand art)

and unknown up there, i just ruined it
it's web's fault.
you can sock him.

i might change it back. we'll see. i'm just feeling it out.
 — mandolyn

Exquisite Mand. :-)
 — unknown

Some small nitpicks on an otherwise quite lovely poem :)

L1 white-washed should be hyphenated, but that makes the previous dash look strange, so I would change that to a comma.
L3 is so lovely and powerful, and then L4 seems out of place, like a let down. I would take L4 out, or at least end the stanza with L3

Also - I like the wordplay of line 10 and line 18, but there are 15 uses of "you" or "yours" in 32 lines- can you take some others out? It's a bit of an overkill.

The current title is lovely :)
 — Ananke

Hi Mandee

As usual, this is brilliant. Your poems always are. :)

My favorite lines are 10 - 15. There is something about oil lamps that fire my imagination.
 — badweather

Your writing gets better and betterer and this is one of your betterEST, Mandee!  LOVE how it weaves in and out of the past.  The "in" at the top of L31 seems off to me.  I'd suggest a comma after "out" in L30, drop "in" in L31 and let it end just the way it does.  Beautiful little piece.  Especially the part about the fire breaking out in the barn.  Hugz!  :-)
 — starr

It's a mandolin wind alright.
 — unknown

wow, thanks y'all.

ananke, yous and yours are always infesting my poetry.
you're right.

this poem is a soft mandolyn
c'mon, she's a faaaaaaaaaaaaag

:)
 — mandolyn

I like the title.
 — Modiva

Starr, it surprises me you say she gets better every time. I have read her work since 2008
and though her older work is not as meaty as her newer, the girl knows damn well how to write.
She hid all the good stuff somewhere else back then. How do I know this? I am known to know these things.
You can tell she knows the world is full of shit. Why give them her greatest pieces?


Mandee, make a new book and title it "Fucking Pens."
This is your calling.
 — unknown

^ whoa, not cool. starr was being encouraging! thank you, starr.

i have been writing a long time, yes, but i am nowhere near being damn good.
it's something i love doing.
i grow words every day and combine them and experiment with language.

hidden pieces? lol
you creep.

if only i had the balls to use that title suggestion for a book, but i barely even have breasts!
;-)

make fun of yourself more often,
it's good for something inside you... balances some chemical.
 — mandolyn

Thuper thweet and savory baby

our glass ...  is that like our toothbrush?
Or, our one spoon
 — unknown

it's like
(h)our first field trip
 — mandolyn

~ Bows ~
 — unknown

K you had a lot to let out. It started good good. Like soup. Cos soup is good. Then you wonder what all this waffle is. My point exactly. Your first lines has good words ...
 — bettalpha

you left me blank– white washed
1
wondering where to put myself
2
inside your coat, outside your door
3
i almost went back to bed–
4
 — bettalpha

^^ soup is a jerk. yeah, it tastes good, but then it's gone.
kinda like this poem will be someday.

thanks for your feedback. i'm happy you were honest. :))
 — mandolyn

sure this will sound arrogant but it's also a high compliment...

sounds like something I would write.
 — looniverse

^ haha! that was great, looniverse. you are better than ezra.
 — mandolyn

Bravo! I will not rate as you have too many damn 10s already.
 — unknown

oh my this is a hard one and so well wrought, I read it start to finish without a hiccup. I felt it! great use of meta and rhythm. my only nit is omit blank-, doesn't need it. such a strong opening strophe. I felt the history here. the voice is wounded and strong, written looking back with authority.
 — NicMichaels

thank you, unk.

and hey off the grid nic! thanks
i need to order a cabin on amazon and haul it to the backwoods. :)
 — mandolyn

Are you divorced?
 — unknown

are you an attorney?
 — mandolyn

sorry, that didn't come out right.
but i don't believe this poem starts with "Dear diary,"
 — mandolyn

Dear diary, I washed my hands of blood today. I will enter heaven after all.
 — unknown

Title suggestion: hour glass, our ass, our
??
 — unknown

Manomandy this is just dandy... I agree with starry an your writing is YOU...
 — AlchemiA

thanks, alchy!
glad you made a pit stop.
 — mandolyn

wow
 — 9

hey, 9 :)

wow as in
wow this so retarded, i know.. ;)
 — mandolyn

this IS so retarded...

bah, that comment is ruined.
 — mandolyn

YOur mom's retarded.^^


Actually your mom is rather awesome.
 — unknown

≠ "anything at all"
 — OldShoe

=  "quotations around words"
 — unknown

?

i will pretend i know exactly what everything means.
 — mandolyn

the poem's beautiful,

but

sniff, sniff.

there's something off in this thread.

sniff. smells like socks.

needs some air freshener.
 — unknown

is Oldshoe bothering you again Mand?
 — unknown

^ no
 — mandolyn

Mandy, is this you?  It has to be you, no other voice is like this one.  I love it.  Pathos, drama, flow...you have it all here.
 — Isabelle5

thank you, isabelle :)
 — mandolyn

..
 — unknown

the kind of writing that depends more on live presentation, bending the words to fit the flow -- it's not an easy flow, really, just a smart little ditty made likeable because of content. 'frosty the snowman' is likeable because of content, but it's not a great song.
 — cadmium

Why the hell would u delete my sweet comment!?!? I was raising a glass to Mandee.
 — unknown

what the giblet?
our canned corn, our canned, our
 — mandolyn

I say Mandolyn, you are a word siren.....calling them to you and they come over and over again...bravo!
 — blackibird

cool!
 — unknown

^^^^^ LOL! Our canned corn,  our canned, our   <3
 — unknown

Nice
 — cmis23

u seem like a solo drummer.  Your worldly intellect and ability is not at the forefront of the poem- your choices are analagous to others.
 — percocet

Dangerous- get back to building the Pyramids- Save yourself.
 — percocet

_____
 — percocet

"'Blank, Blank'! Don't you worry about 'Blank," let me worry about 'Blank.'" Futurama.
 — percocet

I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean,  can you forward me a link so I can donate to the cause... I am also affected by Bone-itus.
 — percocet

Superb from the title to the dim room to the barn's final conflagration.
 — SilverGirl

oh, this is quite amazing. i really enjoyed the vivid and descriptions here! grand poem. sad, uplifting - nicely done!
 — imisterpoet

very good
 — joeychen

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