(and other things you should know)
When writing your college essay,
remember these few tips:
They care not what you learned—
but what you’ve DONE.
As you consider where to apply,
make sure that you send away
to all the places that your mother
wished she had gone,
so that she can live vicariously through you…
Talk about how you were student body president,
how you volunteered at all of the PTA’s craft shows
Mention that you played in the Orchestra, Symphonic Band, sang in the Girls’ Choir
and sat in on Jazz Band
when the baritone sax guy was sick.
Don’t forget about the National Honor Society
or the time you went on a bottle drive to pay for band camp & got bit by a dog.
Tell them about the four years you worked props
on the school play
although you really wanted to be out on the stage.
While you’re at it, you could tell ‘em what a team player you are--
be sure to include all the sports that you played…
Tell them how Todd Windham took your virginity under the bleachers
the night of the homecoming dance
your sophomore year.
I suppose they’d enjoy hearing
about how they nominated
you for homecoming queen
with the “smelly guy” from homeroom as king,
just cuz they thought it was funny.
You may as well mention the salutatorian
from the year before
who blew his brains out in your friends’ bathroom
and your true love that died
a week before your senior prom.
Last but not least, don’t forget
to tell them about all the things you aspire to do
after you abort the fatherless child in your womb.
Make your Ms. America speech
about how you plan to save the world.
Then, when you’re finished . . .
Don’t forget your conclusion!
Any well-constructed essay needs its
Mrs. Smith would turn in her English-teacher grave if you forgot your conclusion!