her nipples shot across the produce when she saw me
have you any parsnips i asked
no we don't but i love those she answered
i like your body i said
actually i didn't but i should have
she'd have said what about my face
and i'd have said her body included her face
and she'd laugh
but instead i bought two murray's free range chickens
and walked out wondering if she had thin thighs
14 Jun 04
Rated 8.3 (7.6) by 3 users.
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This is just bad. Sorry to say. First of all, the "what about my face " is confusing, because we don't know whose face you're talking about. If she's asking what about your face, or hers. And... it has potential MAYBE, but this needs a lot of work.
JSmiles05 ~ you dont know anything. when he said 'what about my face?", it was the girl talking, as in "ok you like my boobs but what about my face" type thing. dont judge a poem just because you're too stupid to understand what it means.
nice poem hank i like it.
lol you dumbass Jsmiles, read line 6, "She'd have said what about my face", if "she" would have said it, why would it have been his face? lol wow...
This flows well and made me laugh. Good job.
what's wrong with being shallow? some of the most beautiful bodies of water i've ever seen have been shallow. shallow is as good as deep. shallow is good! shallow is nice! shallow is ankle deep and that's deep to a grub and a minnow! bird baths are only 2" deep and they love them! i'll forever defend shallow from unknowns.
line 3: "no we don't COMMA, but I love those COMMA, she answered"
line 5: "I didn't COMMA, but I should have"
line 6 and line 7: COMMA after "said" both places
line 9: drop the "but" and begin with capital "Instead, I bought..."
also--should be a CAP on "Murray's chicken"
line 10: instead of beginning with "and" I would suggest a period at the end of line 9 and beginning the next line with: "Then walked..."
Overall, this was a pleasant little ditty.
If anything, I would lengthen this slightly... more comparisons to the nipples... more graphic detail.
what does the word COMMA mean? we don't COMMA? is that a verb?
I am telling him that is where he should insert a comma, for better flow...
I did that so he got my insertion.
I like this lusty little poem about a missed opportunity. This made me smile.
aforbing, don't you think, all those, COMMA'S, might, muck it up some?
No, I think they will help, that is why I suggested them. Take it or leave it, after all it's your poem.
maybe a period here and there?
This got me giggling. I can't say that I'll ever check the produce the same way! Oh, the things we should have said.
Fun read. Really shows a great sense of humor and irony.
Some punctuation additions would clear up misunderstanding for certain readers who can't otherwise figure out a cadence on their own, though I think it works pretty well as it stands. I like the initial image of the nipples doing the "shooting" and the fact that this captures the run of your mind during a brief exchange where hormones jumped in.
ummmmmmmmmmm........i dont like this poem.....sorry
I think the first line takes away from the good nature of this poem It makes it seem a little perverted, even though it doesn't turn out that way. I like it overall though. Nice job. I like how quickly you admit that you didn't say line 4. and then launch right into what the rest of the conversation would have entailed. funny stuff.
GROCERY GIRLS ARE HOT...>THIS GETS A 10
someone's an ee cummings fan...
i cracked a smile. very entertaining.
love is shallow. and sex wouldn't be so good without shallowness. imagine if you didn't care so much how how the legs wrapped around you were? that's be just nasty.
love the first line. :)
this always tickles me pink... I love it!
It doesn't get enuff play, methinks.
It ought to be in the Weekly Top 40!
I like it, it ends well
no, it didn't. i never saw her again, much less got her into my bed.
the only thing i'm hesitating on his line two--
i think it may be personal, but i don't like the wording. otherwise, it's good.
so are murray's free range chickens.
Hank--this is STILL good.
Even after reading it again almost a year later.
Shes a bit odd to love parsnips no?
And why the two chickens? where you going to stuff one and eat the other?
I hope you don't mind I rewrote this:
her nipples shot across the produce when she saw me 1
have you any parsnips i asked 2
no we don't but i love those she answered 3
i like your body i said 4
She said how dare you, you pervert, i'm calling the cops
i bought two murray's free range chickens and got the hell out of there 9
and walked out wondering if the chicken had thin thighs
I like this every single time I read it and yes, here it is again almost a year later. Props to you! (Someone finally explained to me what that means so now I am a cool chick - with gorgeous, not too thin thighs, since no one asked.)
lady, you have beautiful thighs;)
this still puts a smile on my face too, hank.
If you don't ask you don't get
Larry under the boardwalk Lark
im really sorry but it just dosent appeal to me in the slightest
your spelling is horrible.
This is so funny
Parsnips and nipples in the same thought
is just too good.
it's certainly a contender for best opening line ever.
i read this with more than one she.
maybe i'm pushing things too much.
oh, i think this is cute and cheerful and maybe a bit longing. i like the uninterrupted flow of it.
very catchy first line. XD
I love this poem. In a way, it's almost romantic (if you squint your eyes and stand on your head).
I don't think there should be any changes to the punctuation, it's fine as it is.
haha...this actually made me giggle. i like it lots....it's very.....well.......i cant think of the word i'm looking for, but i like it.
THIS IS A GOOD POME BY HANK.
THAT WAS A COMMENT BY NOODLEMAN
hehe. so simple and so true. i have no idea what a parsnip is, but good work!
line five, actually is a no no
line ten slays me
this poem begins
with such great power but then
it lets me down. *sigh*
are there no no's in poetry?
yes, yes there
i think you should channge lines five through seven.
you should also feel lucky, because it's six-am, and you're the first person to witness the break in my haiku streak.
There are no nono's in poetry just nonocritics with nonobrains. This has always been one of my favorite poems on here.
The Poetry God
don't be bitter, unknown, it's bad for your complexion.
i think you should change.
very funny!!!!!! we all are scared when it comes down to it.could use some punctuation, it would make this a lot easier to read.
i like this. it's playful, and alarmingly close to a story a friend told me yesterday, about mangoes, texture and grocery boys
Are thin thighs good, hank? What are the those that she loved? Your chickens?
Amusing and very skillful because I want to be there watching this flirtation rise then fizzle. Great stuff.
I like this , I can see you kicking yourself after leaving the shop .
Also its interesting to see the comments from some of the older P/C people , how they bleat on about commas , punctuation and CAPS
( nice sometimes how things never change )
I've done this so many times.
I recommend "The Game" by Neil Strauss.
This poem was like a splash of color after reading a lot of black and white. You certainly start this off with a roar, nipples shooting across produce ought to wake anyone.
You capture a moment most have had, but describe the details specific to your encounter well. Your language is efficient and I love your description in L9. I think you did a good job of deciding what to put in and what to leave out.
Your title sets the scene well.
Good poem, made me laugh. I don't agree with those who said this is shallow or perverted, just a window into the male mind.
this poem made me angy, but I love a good fight so I dig it.
I noticed you bought some "chickens". Is that you projecting?
thith poem ith not
pleathe accept a (rare)
I really cant tell what is going on without punctuation. This poem makes no sense whatsoever. Sorry.
Your name sounds like spunk . sorry .
An honest, unpretentious, poem. It made me laugh. That is refreshing in itself.
this poem made me sad :(
but that means its good :)
Small hand .
yeah, this is great,
thanks for the giggles.
This isn't a poem! Saying what you should of done isn't a poem. Also, it is shallow. Save yourself the embrassment and cut your dick off now. It is no good for anything after all we don't want more little (insert your name here) running around. If you don't do this I fear for the future.
everyone has dissected it the way it should be. nice work and humor.
I think it should be "She'd have asked" in L6, but other than that I thought this was awesome. Pretty shallow, but It hink that's the point. Leaves us all lingering adn wanting, that's for sure! Good stuff.
Very shallow, but entertaining nonetheless. Ah, but what's the point of poetry? Entertainment or enlightenment? And who is to decide? I liked it.
I know that girl near the produce...and her thighs are thin. 9/10
i really dont have any arguments for this one, in fact i enjoyed it quite thoroughly. definitely passes as one of my favorites.
long time since i read this. it's ok. shallow? how shallow is it to capture a moment?
why is this in the top rated? wts???? this is sexist and pig-like.
who says sexist and pig-like couldn't be top-rated? is top-rated reserved for litanies of boredom and lover frustration?
Not a bad appetizer
this is retarded.
this would make a nice little novelty song in a twenties musical, if it were written like a novelty song in a twenties musical. i'd do one for you here with it, but that's a little de trop, even here. there's a suggestion of rhythm anytime you list things, and varying rhythm is kind of the music, for the music level of poem. there are many levels, and having fun is one fun level, but reading a well written poem is another level that works.
this opened up some very good comments from some of the members that, unfortunately, are no longer around.
Cool poem. The first two lines are a nice intro to an intriguing write. Good one.
Ha! Blast from the past, exactly 6 years to the day later!
i love it, but put quotes around the conversation pieces!
what were her breasts like?
OH my ,,,,Funny funny, you melon head
what's going on?
why all the censorship? is this jr. high?
YES I AGREE, YOU ARE REALLY MAKING ME ANGRY NOW AND I AM GOING TO GO REIDY ON YOU>
WHY WERE MY COMMENTS REMOVED, THERE WAS NOTHING IN MY COMMENTS THAT MADE THEM A THREAT TO ANYTHING, HONESTLY PLATH YOU HAVE GOTTEN TOO CARRIED AWAY WITH YOUR POWER TRIP, YOU SUCK!
hank I liked your poem and I gave you a meaty comment - if you care to read it, you will have to
contact the mod/Nazis for the posting as they have removed it without any reason as to why
except that they seem to have their knickers in a knot and power-trip twisted, yet they seem to allow the repetitive posting of a fool on the message boards.
Wow, all this drama. I rather like this piece, it flowed well and I think the speaker could have success picked up the grocery girl (a title i realllly like). For some reason I wanted the first line to read, "her nipples shot across the room when they saw me" it's a bit fun
Sharply captured shopping cameo that could have been a turkey but wasn't...isn't
Love a roasted parsnip