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Chinatown Part Two: Dim Sum Windows
starr

Slumber is a foreign wasteland-
 1
 
 
Dead chickens hang
 2
in low-lit Dim Sum windows,
 3
wisdom is garbled in native tongue.
 4
 
 
Tongs turn ribs
 5
on flaming grill racks.
 6
 
 
Dripping porkfat produces sparks,
 7
pink meat scraps are tossed
 8
to the back alley's
 9
lucky dragons-
 10
 
 
Consciouness,
 11
an empty trough.
 12

17 Jun 15

Rated 10 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(233 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Glad you still had enough notes to banish artistic freeze
 — lucion

LOL!  Thanks!  Yeah...you're tellin' ME!  LOL!  <3
 — starr

the sights, sounds and smells are all right here.  paints a seriously great picture and reads as effectively.  good work!  
 — unknown

I agree with the above, this is gritty and delicious. Delicate as a butcher, and as fine as anything made in China.

Just stay away from the gutter oil, that stuff will hook yah.
 — unknown

And btw, I say all of the above knowing this was yours starr, so take it with a grain of rice.
 — unknown

LMAO!!!  "a grain of RICE!"  LOL!  Thanks and am SO GLAD u like it, unk.!!!  <3
 — starr

And unk. #1...I didn't even SEE your comment 'til just NOW!  Thanks and am glad u dig it TOO!  :-) <3
 — starr

well-crafted indeed.
 — JKWeb

Thanks, JK!  Glad u like it, buddy!  :-)
 — starr

I want Chinese food right now!  This is so good, you can smell pepper and 5 spice!
 — Isabelle5

I liked the first last line wayyyyy better bro. Trough does not carry any Chinese feel what' so ever.

Also upon rereading, 6-7 doesn't add to the atmosphere and has to be ridden out. This is china town, so I'd expect foreign feel with white hearts...or better yet, foreign feels with foreign hearts...
 — unknown

I guess 6 is ok...it's really 7 that's the issue. A boring bland line in a poem full of spice and flavor.
 — unknown

Thanks, Isabelle!  Glad u like it and unk., the original first line was "I took the bus somewhere and somewhere was a Chinatown street where...Is that what you're talkin' about?  :-)
 — starr

Okay...some more editing.  Do I need 2 mention "Chinatown" in the poem itself or is that indicative by the title?  I think it'll stand just fine now.  Eager 2 hear your opinions tho.  :-)
 — starr

I like 3-4 now to replace the old 7-6, but I like the original much more than this...Or whatever original I read...It ended with foreign lands or somethin....ginger stars is pretty nice and I like scraps for dragons too.
 — unknown

I'm glad u like it!  The part you're referring to is "slumber was a foreign wasteland; consciousness, an empty trough."  Think I'll hang on 2 that 4 another piece on down the line, but 4 now, if it wasn't 4u, I wouldn't've even changed a single hair with this poem, so thank u from the bottom of my heart 4 awakening the need 4 revision with this!  I couldn't be any happier with it!  I also added "hoisin" (as in sauce) in the last line 4 flavor's sake.  Dragons don't like no flava-less scraps!  LOL!  Thanks again!  :-)  <3
 — starr

The original was a 10. This new edit is an 8.5...
 — unknown

Last attempt.  
 — starr

...still a fan of the original. Neither revisions you've posted have contained nearly the same amount of presence. The first attempt I could taste.
 — unknown

Fine writing, epic imagery

Larry noodle head Lark
 — larrylark

Thanks, Larry!  And unk., I'm gonna stick with it the way it is.  Quite honestly, I'm happy with the way it turned out.  Thanks 4 all your comments tho.  If sumpthin' more tasty should hit me, I'll definitely edit unless u have some more thoughts/suggestions.  <3
 — starr

Nice sensory images here. I have just one nit, and a small nit at that.  I might change slain chickens to dead chickens for alliteration with line 3.  Still, top notch work.
 — PaulS

Lol. I thought this was yours starr!
 — PaulS

Hey, Paul!  U're still around, buddy!  Nice 2 see u and yes!  Will change "slain" to "dead."  Good call!  Thanks!  :-)
 — starr

Please comment on other peoples poems.  We are missing you
 — unknown

Now I'm hungry!   :D

Have to ask if you really need 'dead' in L2?  
Love 9-10.
 — sybarite

Unk.  I'm around and yes, I'll be back 2 comment on others' writing.  Glad 2 know I'm missed and syb, thanks 4 reading.  If I were 2 do away with "dead" in L2, wouldn't readers think the chickens were alive???  Hmmmm...  :-O  
 — starr

This is very nice and creates an interesting dichotomy with very visceral imagery. Is being awake so bad? :P
 — Nicholai36

Thanks, Nicholai!  Being awake isn't so bad at ALL!  Glad u like and thanks 4 reading/commenting!  :-)
 — starr

Pig ears... there should be mention of pig ears.  Great poem!
 — aforbing

Thanks, Forbster!  <3
 — starr

Don't think Chinese people eat pigs' ears tho!  At least, I've never seen that on any menus!  OINK!  ;-)
 — starr

Chinese totally eat pigs ears - you see them in some Asian supermarkets.

I like the first line a lot.
I think some words in this could be cut out: "Windows" in title, |3 "Dim Sum", |7 "produces", |9 - "back".

|4, not sure what this is doing for the poem at large. may be me though.
|7, I suggest "Porkfat drips and sparks". also feels more at home in stanza 3 not 4.
|8, maybe tighten "pink meat" to "fleshy" (I imagine the burnt meat still looks a bit flesh-like).

You're probably sick of editing this though. That's okay.
 — Virgil

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