|Chinatown Part Two: Dim Sum Windows
Slumber is a foreign wasteland-
Dead chickens hang
in low-lit Dim Sum windows,
wisdom is garbled in native tongue.
Tongs turn ribs
on flaming grill racks.
Dripping porkfat produces sparks,
pink meat scraps are tossed
to the back alley's
an empty trough.
17 Jun 15
Rated 10 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (10): 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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Glad you still had enough notes to banish artistic freeze
LOL! Thanks! Yeah...you're tellin' ME! LOL! <3
the sights, sounds and smells are all right here. paints a seriously great picture and reads as effectively. good work!
I agree with the above, this is gritty and delicious. Delicate as a butcher, and as fine as anything made in China.
Just stay away from the gutter oil, that stuff will hook yah.
And btw, I say all of the above knowing this was yours starr, so take it with a grain of rice.
LMAO!!! "a grain of RICE!" LOL! Thanks and am SO GLAD u like it, unk.!!! <3
And unk. #1...I didn't even SEE your comment 'til just NOW! Thanks and am glad u dig it TOO! :-) <3
Thanks, JK! Glad u like it, buddy! :-)
I want Chinese food right now! This is so good, you can smell pepper and 5 spice!
I liked the first last line wayyyyy better bro. Trough does not carry any Chinese feel what' so ever.
Also upon rereading, 6-7 doesn't add to the atmosphere and has to be ridden out. This is china town, so I'd expect foreign feel with white hearts...or better yet, foreign feels with foreign hearts...
I guess 6 is ok...it's really 7 that's the issue. A boring bland line in a poem full of spice and flavor.
Thanks, Isabelle! Glad u like it and unk., the original first line was "I took the bus somewhere and somewhere was a Chinatown street where...Is that what you're talkin' about? :-)
Okay...some more editing. Do I need 2 mention "Chinatown" in the poem itself or is that indicative by the title? I think it'll stand just fine now. Eager 2 hear your opinions tho. :-)
I like 3-4 now to replace the old 7-6, but I like the original much more than this...Or whatever original I read...It ended with foreign lands or somethin....ginger stars is pretty nice and I like scraps for dragons too.
I'm glad u like it! The part you're referring to is "slumber was a foreign wasteland; consciousness, an empty trough." Think I'll hang on 2 that 4 another piece on down the line, but 4 now, if it wasn't 4u, I wouldn't've even changed a single hair with this poem, so thank u from the bottom of my heart 4 awakening the need 4 revision with this! I couldn't be any happier with it! I also added "hoisin" (as in sauce) in the last line 4 flavor's sake. Dragons don't like no flava-less scraps! LOL! Thanks again! :-) <3
The original was a 10. This new edit is an 8.5...
...still a fan of the original. Neither revisions you've posted have contained nearly the same amount of presence. The first attempt I could taste.
Fine writing, epic imagery
Larry noodle head Lark
Thanks, Larry! And unk., I'm gonna stick with it the way it is. Quite honestly, I'm happy with the way it turned out. Thanks 4 all your comments tho. If sumpthin' more tasty should hit me, I'll definitely edit unless u have some more thoughts/suggestions. <3
Nice sensory images here. I have just one nit, and a small nit at that. I might change slain chickens to dead chickens for alliteration with line 3. Still, top notch work.
Lol. I thought this was yours starr!
Hey, Paul! U're still around, buddy! Nice 2 see u and yes! Will change "slain" to "dead." Good call! Thanks! :-)
Please comment on other peoples poems. We are missing you
Now I'm hungry! :D
Have to ask if you really need 'dead' in L2?
Unk. I'm around and yes, I'll be back 2 comment on others' writing. Glad 2 know I'm missed and syb, thanks 4 reading. If I were 2 do away with "dead" in L2, wouldn't readers think the chickens were alive??? Hmmmm... :-O
This is very nice and creates an interesting dichotomy with very visceral imagery. Is being awake so bad? :P
Thanks, Nicholai! Being awake isn't so bad at ALL! Glad u like and thanks 4 reading/commenting! :-)
Pig ears... there should be mention of pig ears. Great poem!
Thanks, Forbster! <3
Don't think Chinese people eat pigs' ears tho! At least, I've never seen that on any menus! OINK! ;-)
Chinese totally eat pigs ears - you see them in some Asian supermarkets.
I like the first line a lot.
I think some words in this could be cut out: "Windows" in title, |3 "Dim Sum", |7 "produces", |9 - "back".
|4, not sure what this is doing for the poem at large. may be me though.
|7, I suggest "Porkfat drips and sparks". also feels more at home in stanza 3 not 4.
|8, maybe tighten "pink meat" to "fleshy" (I imagine the burnt meat still looks a bit flesh-like).
You're probably sick of editing this though. That's okay.