poetry critical

online poetry workshop



shamisen shamisen, shame on you
ARedLetter

i was born a raised liar,
 1
grilled chicken strip for a tongue
 2
and chewing tobacco for teeth,
 3
taking the stars out of the sky
 4
one at a time to give myself
 5
some semblance of control over
 6
the ceaseless waves of mediocrity;
 7
 
 
i was taken in by deceit
 8
at an early stage, saw the gray as
 9
black and white, not much else -
 10
it was a deafening conclusion to
 11
the settling of the storm inside my
 12
chest cavity where a lung or two
 13
should go, instead there were only
 14
the endless rows of corn stalks;
 15
 
 
i was given the world by tricksters
 16
as a present for my accomplishments
 17
in the war of reason, took the world
 18
and gave it to myself in the mirror,
 19
not the I in the bedroom at three in
 20
the morning, but the I that exists outside
 21
of space-time complexities, the I that
 22
lives to lie to self to others to selflessness;
 23
 
 
I
 24
 
 
exist only to
 25
 
 
live in the waves
 26
 
 
of logicality not
 27
 
 
to breath in and
 28
 
 
breath out the tar
 29
 
 
stained pits of my
 30
 
 
eye sockets and
 31
 
 
unlike
 32
 
 
I,
 33
 
 
i live to yearn for
 34
the touch of convex
 35
curves and
 36
 
 
not much else.
 37

17 Jun 15

Rated 10 (9.5) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (5): 5, 7, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(153 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

allow me a keatsian reaction to this poem: wow! awesome! (spontaneous overflow of emotion at the brilliance of your poem)
 — anastasiya

I have just given this poem 5 points. The current heading is wrong
 — unknown

ie 10 points by 4 voters. I am no 5 votet and I want justice
 — unknown

you're illiterate in english so your vote doesn't count.
 — cadmium

^ lol

As for this poem, it's great. It carries an ease and suppression and is crafted very well. The language is a little boring, not too many exciting moments but it finds a certain peace in that that is alluring. Well done.

Thanks for the read.

10 from me
 — unknown

Quite breathtakingly excellent
 — larrylark

No middle name for you this time, Larry?

I must have truly taken your breath away. :)
 — ARedLetter

Freakin' aMAZING from start 2 FINISH!  Great writing, great job!  :-)
 — starr

love the images in the poem and of the poem --- "saw the gray as black and white;" "the settling of the storm inside my chest cavity," "to breathe in and out the tar stained pits of my eye sockets." they are ordinary words but carry deep impressions.
 — memelover

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