poetry critical

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blueberries
hank

blueberries are good
 1
about the size of a large pea
 2
but not green like them
 3
i like to eat mine
 4
one by one
 5
two at the same time
 6
seems indulgent
 7
i had blueberries on
 8
my strawberry shortcake
 9
but took them off
 10
and never on pancakes
 11
they grow on a vine
 12
and they stain your shirt
 13
if you let them
 14
the pits don't matter
 15

18 Jun 04

Rated 8 (7.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

In a way, this was cute in its simplicity, HOWEVER....
You didn't make us care about these blueberries, nor did you make the blueberries do anything exciting.  Nor did your persona do anything earth-shattering.
Therefore... I say to thee, poet:  "So What?"
You want it to say something.... even if that something isn't muc of anything.
As it stands, you are simply making statments about blueberries and they aren't all that interesting, to boot.  Think of the outrageous things that blueberries do, like make you turn into a big fat blue blob (Charlie & the Chocolate Factory) or turn your tongue black or stain Gramma's best linen tablecloth.
Get creative, mate... that is what poetry is all about.
Otherwise, everyone would just go around calling their grocery lists "Poems".
 — aforbing

blueberries do outrageous things? really? ...but blueberries don't turn you into a "big fat blue blob" (in her case it was the magic gum, blueberry flavored granted)
why do i want it to say more than it does?
poetry is all about creativity...hmm...that one i will ponder.
thanks aforbing.
 — hank

You bet, and if I'm a bit harsh, it's only because I want the best from you.  Really, it's quite a decent poem.  All that I'm saying is, you can DEFINITELY make it better.  Simply give a little more specific detail that draws the reader in further.
 — aforbing

I read your poem
and think  -oh yes
this is hank just blethering
about blueberries like that uk radio
program 'just a minute' I think
it's called where you speak for
a minute on a given subject
without repetition, deviation and
i can't remember the other rules
but you would be out on your neck
hank by at the latest line 4. (2 likes)
It's one of my favourite programs.
 — unknown

amazing
 — onklcrispy

I feel bad for all of the people who don't/aren't able to understand your poems.  Pay no heed to the dipshits who leave trash in the comments (I know that you don't).  I wish I could write more like this.
 — root

Just for clarification, I didn't mean aforbing by that comment--I just read a slew of your poems and thought this was one of the best, but you have gotten a ton of crappy comments on most of them.
 — root

the poem youre after is entitled
the slinky red ball turns blue.
i cant wait to read it.
write it!
 — unknown

the last lines-- don't blueberries grow on bushes, not vines and have seeds, not pits? if i'm wrong, sorry. but this feels too true to have the ending be slightly off in the descriptives-- the princess felt that green pea deep down the mattress piles.
 — unknown

i was eating blueberries with yoko 2 wks ago.
i told her, the pips dont matter.
pips are british for small seeds.
its a phrase i want to steal when eating blue
berries in company.
 — gnormal

Blueberries grow on bushes, not vines, and don't have pits, more like little tiny seeds that are barely noticed.  
Nit picking aside, I like this. I've enjoyed all of your work so far.
 — housepoppy

cute and not indulgent.
 — cowork

Wholesome! but not cheese.
 — Kauf

i like the randomness of this. It celebrates the little things . The things that make life worth while like blue berries. However for this line"and never on pancakes  11
they grow on a vine " sorta doesn't relate . over all it great
 — lodza

hhe. booberries.
 — hank

thanks adrielle.
 — hank

adrielle?
 — lodza

I'm left thinking that there should be more.  Something substantial, instead of sounding like the Blueberry Board telling us on a tv commercial why we should eat blueberries.

come on, drip some juice on us!
 — Isabelle5

I like the incongruity and absurdity of the observations about the blueberries - especially the way they look like peas but aren't green :)  and appeared on your strawberry shortcake. It reminded me that in old English there were only 2 words for fruit - apple and pear, so all fruits were either apple or pear until the Normans invaded Britain and brought strawberries, raspberries etc; so apples and pears became very specific to very specific fruits. Your poem deals well with this sort of effect - the word and the connotations attached to the fruit, when it could be any fruit at all. Good.
 — opal

i really really like this, it reminds me of summers when i was little and would go blueberry picking with my mom
 — adiscodancer

thanks adiscodancer. opal, excellent commentary. thanks.
 — hank

flea like this poem. he told me so.
 — hank

i know who wrote this. 2 lines in.

3 should be (one) not them. singular/blah blah thing.

10 i took them off
11 but never on pancakes
(now i understand what you mean. see?)

since when do blueberries have pits? isn't a pit a stone?


dunno why really but this seems a bit long. can you make it shorter, add more white space. anything?
 — kaleidazcope

well, probably, but as i am drunk and typing with oner finger (i let that last typo go) i don't really care to do a fuckin' thing with this poem. it's my past. just a stupid poem. perfect as it is. thanks for bringing it up kal.
 — hank

p.s. it is what it is.

you know that.


loving you. ty.
 — hank

he said,
my love is a funny little thing;
blueberry face, indigo flowers
in her eyes. she sweetly stains
my fingertips; purple memories
on my lips.

a poem for your hangover
 — kaleidazcope

A lovely tribute to blueberries. ( AForbing, as I'm sure you know) has a very tasty blueberry/jewel poem). My dad is enamoured of blueberry food allsorts: chocolate-covered blueberries, blueberry pie. Unlike you, he is not a purist. Me, I like bananas because they have no bones.

Wonderful. Delicious.
 — unknown

excellent poem, the pits don't matter, was great....
 — gjenkins

in a good way?
 — hank

i've read all the comments, again. wonderful.
i can't write this well anymore.
 — hank

i enjoy hank vol 1 very much,
great to see these poems in there.
will there be a vol 2 or 3?  
  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

bump
 — Quen

best i switch berries.

i always did like this poem, though i am not as fond of blueberries
as i am of strawberries.  
red is my happy colour,
i always thought of strawberries whenever i felt nauseous,
that and red tricycles and sports cars.
 — jenakajoffer

A little Erma Bombeck(ish). My mom would like this--that's not to count it out.
 — unknown

Some time ago, I really needed to buy a good car for my firm but I didn't earn enough cash and couldn't order anything. Thank heaven my comrade proposed to take the loans from trustworthy bank. So, I acted so and was satisfied with my auto loan.
 — unknown

^^^thanks unk. appreciate the advice re financing.

from which auto lot did you buy your used car?
 — unknown

U know I love this, but.... blueberries don't have pits--cherries do!
 — aforbing

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