|Single Cell Anemia
long since he felt the green sward underfoot
or the great breath of summer
upon his lips.
twenty long winters
exiled to the pale room
where his love remains behind the door
of the moon. not tomorrow
not yesterday would their tyranny succeed.
though he'd bleed, no grudge or torture
could make him bitter.
his chains become pencils
as he daubs his heart's graffiti
into a sketch of autumn;
the ceiling becomes a saddle
as concrete returns to the crags.
the wind, an angry bee,
searches for the white honey
as pine's rusty needles stitch a map
to freedom's bountiful face;
he drinks the sweet fragrance
of season's blushing apple
as if she just happened to walk by--
25 Sep 15
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This is so good. Especially liked stanza 3. The end of stanza 5 is so strong, I might consider ending there, or re-working. Don't kill me.
Uhhhhhh...sadly, this is not so good. It lacks subtlety and poise. Reiterating 'a single thought'? How about you reiterate it metaphorically? I'd much rather read about the beauty and sustenance in the subjects single thought than have the author constantly remind us they are describing one single thought.
On the upside, some of your language here is pretty and royal, and might be more digestible if placed Ina container that is more suitable to the reader rather than the authors steam of thought. Ultimately though, the poem is empty of substance beyond a description of a dying sick person. A picture speaks a thousand words so this is more of a sketch if anything. You need to rework this and really dive into this picture you have in your head of this thought.
Your aim is true, it's a good stance to get in your subjects head and write about what you see.
thanks! I really appreciate your feedback, I put this in here late last night in rough, hoping I could get to it and maybe get someone's crits to help me get more motivated and sensitive. a work in progress as always. thanks for the help, both of you :)
What was most helpful was your perception that this was about a sick, dying man, and that is not the image I wanted to portray, so I edited big time. Thanks for that.
What are you trying to portrait then?
I had hoped the play on words in the title would make it obvious but obviously I'm too much in my own head for anyone to get it.
Thanks Polly, nice to see you.
No worries. I'm interested about the title. What does it mean? Its obviously a play on sickle cell anaemia...Still not getting it exactly.
I was watching a movie about a man who had sickle cell anemia and I immediately knew the title of my next poem would be single cell anemia about an inmate moving to a single cell as he approaches his day of feeedom. Touches on abuse, hope, madness and love.
this is exquisite. is there a reason for "the" in 14? just wondering.
p.s. do you still have the Chernobyl poem posted?
thanks James, happy to see you :)
'the' white honey, cuz it's not just white honey, it's THE white honey. don't know, gives it specific importance I think.
i took chernobyl down so i could send it in, but that was a couple years ago now. :)
Great. Thanks for your reply. I didn't actually see those things you mentioned in it. (It was still enjoyable) - I won't tell you how I did read it because I wouldn't want it to spoil for others who might have an opinion ---
Incidentally, the word tyranny always reminds me of pulp fiction - the passage from the bible. Which even more incidentally I watched with my family tonight.
Earthy writing here jen. I read the title as part of the first and it made a big difference to me.
Hi Paul, nice to hear from you! Glad you could form your own perspective :)
Earthy, I like that. Thank you x
Hey Polly, thanks for returning. Would still be interested in how you read it, but I appreciate your decision not to share, either way. Couldn't work the link. Sorry
Get rid of pallid. Just use pale. Never a fan of that word pallid...
Pale is better usage. Period.
Good edits/additions. Even better, jen(aka)!
Thanks for returning sextywatt ;) glad you like the edits.
Great poem Jenakaaaaa!! I wish I had some mean_ingful comments to write... lol But honestly I really like, the title is weird but I read your comment about sooo. :) I read your poems! Take care.
he drinks the sweet fragrance
of season's blushing apple
as if she just happened to walk by
This pulls me right back to where I need to be. So good to read you again
Hi Vida, thanks for reading :) I'm glad to see you around! I like reading your poems :).
Hi palepony, how i've missed you. thanks so much for reading; i made a change to the ending after reading your comment. thanks for that! <3
Good stuff, glad to see this one get some air. Well-written and beautiful.
thank you very much, sixtywatt, you were the first to read this when I posted it. thank you for the air :)
its called sickle cell anemia.
I think its a play on words unk
omg, haha, someone actually thought i meant the medical term. thanks unknown, you're correct. it's not that hard to figure out really.
lovely poem, I love the personification in the poem. great job!
thank you kindly Victoriah :)
This is way different Jen...
Oh yeah? How do you think?
Crotch-braided, though cozening- a stone's throw away from
Daringly milquetoast. Like a quirt or some emblazoned stupor.
Smarmy in its own right (and believably so). Grotesquely seething like
Some ophidian simulacrum. Baby bar bubububuh! Uh yeah! Crepuscular axioms.
Inveterate jellyfish and invertebrate pro. I'll defecate on your first born.