It’s another manic morning-
You’re frantically awake
I write your name
in the snow
with my finger
out of habit.
In memory of Benny Detti.
26 Sep 15
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amazing. like how you juxtapose coke and snow. j
Sorry for your loss
Thanks, guyz!!! It's what happens when u do drugs. :-(
that NEVER happens to me...
How about do instead of snort?
I like that better! Thanks! :-)
I even shortened cocaine to coke. I've never done it before (and never will), so I struggled 2 say it right. :-)
This poem's about someone I was dating who DID do coke. It lasted not even 3 months and I dumped his ass. :-)
Snorts just a pretty harsh word for the poem.
Coke works better with do, although I liked cocaine, it has nothing to hide like the piece.
Sorry for knitpicking haha.
Glad to hear he got it together ;)
wait I think I got confused.
I saw you write he did do coke and I thought you meant he quit.
Your Benny Detti reminds me of a funny story. There was this netball mother of a child in my sister's team. She was like a "soccer mom" to the extreme (agressive) Her name was Bernadette and my stepfather (being eastern european) used to often get his words wrong. He used to call her "Burn to Death" - It was kind of funny.
He used to have these "almost" fitting names for people and things, that at the time, we could never work out if he meant (smarter than he made out) or was just a mistake.
In retrospect, I know that he was taking the piss out of himself. A funny man in so many ways.
Your poems nice. Feels like a true little snippet of your life.
I can't have too much of an opinion about it. I have only had cocaine once in my life. Nobody told me that it would make my face go numb so it gave me a panic attack. A panic attack combined with feeling annoyed and angry. It wasn't a nice experience for me (although I get that some people like it) -
I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with somebody on it.
Nice work starr. I admire how you can convey so much of life moments with so few words.
And Paul, thanks, buddy for your usual encouraging words and am glad YOU like it TOO! :-)
Starr, if you ever want to let go of your personal view, there are pleennnnnty of people who are quite well versed, whom I'm sure would be more than happy to reform you. ;)
when will you find the time to review another of my pomes?
I post under 'unknown' ;)
This is quite an exquisite piece starr. You've set a powerful tonality. ... out of habit. Love that !!
Thanks, ByAName! Glad u like it! :-)
Hey...coming back this UH-gin cuz it's that good, I feel really shy to suggest a change, so I'd like to hear about your choice of phrasing:
writing you in snow
with my finger
It's a pretty menial change I know, but I'm curious if you feel that 'name' is necessary to the poem? My first handful of reads, I was really drawn to the specific nature of your finger, but as times gone on, I thought that just 'you' makes more universal, and perhaps, more personal?
I don't know...just playin around, curious to hear your train of thinks.
Oh, begin 4 with 'I'm', sorry...
thanks I enjoyed reading your reply. not sure why it was deleted.
there be some crazy sheriffs in this town. the song is cocaine by jj cale.
Hey, Polly! Not sure either. Maybe all that drug talk? LOL! Anyway, I'll give it a sniff when I get home after work 2nite! Thanks! :-)
Always thought was Clapton Polly, nice.
For something a little more modern: Jolene by Ray LaMontagne. Check it!
Nice song unknown. Thanks.
Made me feel a bit sad. It wasn't what I was expecting (which was white stripes version 2)
Then it made me want to listen to Dolly singin' Jolene.
She's just the sweetest little thing I ever saw. Aint nobody taking that little darling's man while I'm around to do something about it.
Miley Cyrus & Dolly - Now there is a Jolene duet
"Watching you blow" would be a hooking title, just a thought.
Frantically awake, is troubling me. Would something work better? Maybe "you're frantic, chaining cigarettes" or something. If someone was frantic they'd definitely be awake, so I'm seeing a redundancy with "awake".
Good short poem :)
Polly, :-) and Jen, thanks! Yep. I agree. I changed it! <3
And Jen, I checked Urban Dictionary and there's no verb for "doing coke" so I left it as is. I also mistakingly left out L3, so I just added it in. See what happens when a brutha writes poetry at work??? LOL! Duhhhh! Love u! <3
Hi, unk. I tried your suggestion, but for ME, it doesn't really work, so what I did was went 4 the gerund in L5 ("writing") which makes it more "present day." I like that better. Thanks 4 reading tho! I appreciate that! :-)
ok, I give up. Just wanted to point out, in your first draft, you already had 'I'm' in L3(I think...) which carried over to line 4 (to me at least) so your desire for the present day was synonymous there.
'your name' is specific, and a sweet, intentional action in this context, but short lived (in most cases). 'I'm writing you' is non-specific allowing the reader to fill in their own imaginings or whatever, while your footnote with gives the needed context. Plus, since the poem is an elegy of sorts, leaving the mystery of what you're writing connects the reader to the sense of loss, granted, your name connects the reader to being alive, and able to read what's written, so both have their merits.
This new revision of yours is not improvement in my book. Your original was much crisper and left me gacked. The repitition of your title is....for what?!!? The first unk's comments lose their luster and pertinence once you highlight that place those two parts abutted.
If you can't tell, I'm obsessed with your poem, the original might be one of my favorites by you, but then again I haven't read all your work. Nice work.
Let me know if I'm overstepping the line here, I will wane with deference.
I liked the first draft a lot better :(
No worries. I liked the earlier version too
Okay, guyz! Thanks 4 the comments! I went back 2 the original and changed the title to "Snow." From what I'm told, snow = coke. I'm here for anymore suggestions so I can NAIL it. :-)
there's a kind of irony in calling this by the trade-name 'snow', but it blunts, because snow itself, the water thing, is so much more interesting than some snorter eroding himself into being hated by common people. if you'd call this 'coke', then the 'snow' you mention will be the much more subtle ironic reference.
you're frantically awake,
it's another manic morning;
coke up your nostrals
and cigs in your other face hole.
with my finger -- but, i can't touch you --
i write your name in pure fresh
fallen snow, these years; from
memory. from habit.
Thanks thenonnoob! Me TOO! Mike, thanks, TOO, buddy! I'm gonna keep it where it is. Hope you're getting better and better! <3
Thanks, JK! Hope you're well, buddy! <3
I don't like this what-so-ever. It's self-involved and unproductive, only concerned about vanity and praying over someone else's pain.
The TRUE PAIN was the cocaine addict preying upon MY dedication, so stop defending drug-addicted muthafuckas who suck as human beings. :-)
I'm all finished now with u. I don't waste my time on dummies. :-)