poetry critical

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wait for me in sunrise
chloris

ascetic we become
 1
still drunk from last night's
 2
do we wait for each other
 3
until sunset when it's sober
 4
living in-between days
 5
time to settle us by noon
 6
comes september
 7

20 Aug 16


(define the words in this poem)
(41 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

HUH????  What is THIS?  It's a disconnected hot MESS!  LOL!  FIX IT so all connects and makes English SENSE!  Here:  v

Ascetic we become,
still drunk from last night's _______. (Last night's WHAT?  Fill in the blank and don't forget to end it with a period and a line break.)

Do we wait for each other until
sunset when we're sober (change its to we're.)
living out these in-between days; (insert a semicolon after "days" and insert another line break.)

Time settles us by noon
come September.  

^^^  Whatdaya think?  I think it reads better and flows more smoothly.  The way you have it written up there would make me think u were drunk off your ass when u wrote it!  LOL!  Needs some rebuilding.  Good luck!  Make it beautiful and make it COUNT!  I'll withold a rating for now.  :-)
 — starr

This is breathtaking! Reminds me of a night out on a date; having had the time of our lives. Parting ways at my doorstep. Already cringing from the thought of his departure; our separation. Should I wait? Wait more days? I ponder and wait so long months pass by. Well, what do you know. It's already September!

Beautiful Chloris
 — unknown

thanks for your feedback, starr.

unknown, i know it's easy for beautiful people to share their thoughts beautifully as well. namaste

<3
 — chloris

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