poetry critical

online poetry workshop



here's that shovel you left in the pit of my stomach
mandolyn

this bridge of reading you, writing you
 1
i cross it too fast
 2
and my eyes lay down at the end
 3
on the private beach
 4
you send me to
 5
 
 
quiet as a casket
 6
lowered into the lungs of the earth
 7
 
 
where it sings duets with dirt
 8
to the decaying punctuation
 9
you speared
 10
in the very last line–
 11
 
 
hoping i'd run backwards
 12
to build a wall
 13
around the beginning
 14
 
 
 
 
how you start a silent war with me
 15
landlord of my heart
 16
 
 
i pay you late
 17
because i hoard your haunting
 18
and staple aspirin
 19
to the back of every smile
 20
stamped 'overdue'
 21
 
 
but you aren't alive–
 22
you aren't applying salve
 23
to anything that hurts
 24
 
 
there's no damp cloth
 25
on my distress
 26
 
 
 
 
i order your words
 27
first thing in the morning
 28
because it moves your reflection
 29
from a dream
 30
to my kitchen table
 31
 
 
nuking my yawn
 32
with hysteria
 33
 
 
how can i stand in front of your verse
 34
and not undress?
 35
demand my freckles to attack
 36
and spread out
 37
 
 
so you'd finish me,
 38
maybe stab the sun for old times sake
 39
avenge my skin
 40
and sign off on every Summer
 41
that wasn't in the script
 42
 
 
 
 
what story do i tell myself now?
 43
 
 
it's like razor burn
 44
going over the same prickly past
 45
rubbing lotion on the loss
 46
 
 
we kept ourselves apart,
 47
though the knees of our context
 48
kept touching
 49
 
 
 
 
your guitar puffs out its chest
 50
when i demand your music
 51
move to an urn
 52
 
 
your Tarzan titles
 53
pounding my tongue
 54
as i repeat them in the wrong direction
 55
 
 
screaming at a serpent
 56
'don't circle back!'
 57
my voice bludgeoned
 58
and crawling
 59
 
 
 
 
you want to test me,
 60
setting traps for each step i take
 61
to grab my mental machete
 62
 
 
walk right up to misery
 63
and ask for a loan,
 64
remind it how your credit hung
 65
draining moonlight
 66
from our future
 67
 
 
 
 
i buried you!
 68
i buried you in paper!
 69
i buried you in every font!
 70
 
 
the scalpel of your voice
 71
stopped treating me
 72
and i needed those scars,
 73
i needed to reopen the vein of losing you
 74
 
 
of never having you
 75
 
 
all over again,
 76
as a reminder i am blank
 77
without your blood moving
 78
 
 
how cold you come
 79
now that my eyes carry coffins
 80
everywhere i go
 81

15 Sep 16

Rated 10 (10) by 7 users.
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Comments:

you portray sorrow very well.

i only have one nit. in the first stanza, L4. on to of. if it must be on, i think you should change the following line 'send' to 'sent'

i don't think the grammar is 'wrong, exactly'...i just think it would sit tidier with the small change.

i really like upside-downy 63 - 67
 — unknown

:)
 — ARedLetter

nicely rendered for the most part.  though I'm thinking you could shave a few kibbles and bits here and there.  such as:
"it" in 2
and
"with me" in 15.

otherwise,
quite groovy.
 — JKWeb

oh my. words fail me right now. I am overcome with emotion. this piece freezes my heart still
 — dvdsxr

*Mwah
 — unknown

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

10 As always ;)
 — Odin

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

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 — hongzhixing

6-14 is absolutely incredible. Could be a poem on its own. I think this is a little long for my taste, with some careful surgery it could be a little more precise. But that would be hard to do without ruining what's really important here: the raw emotion and perfectly realized images.

Great work.
 — mould_jesus

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