poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Take this as a compliment
TheLastPoet

I cannot say you are beautiful
 1
I cannot compare your eyes
 2
To stardust or nebulas
 3
Or say your voice is as soft and delicate as lace
 4
Although you are my universe
 5
You are not my whole universe
 6
Because to say so would be an insult to space
 7
People are not that beautiful
 8
You are not a complex planet or system of stars
 9
You are only human
 10
You are broken
 11
You are messed up
 12
I am messed up
 13
We are messed up
 14
We made mess just to tell people we were uncivilized
 15
And no matter how enticing that sounds
 16
Those are brittle lies
 17
And there is no great galaxy in your little eyes
 18
I cannot say you are beautiful
 19
I have no words to convince you how real this is
 20
How deep I feel
 21
This is the most I can give you
 22
I cannot say you are beautiful
 23
And I sure as fuck can’t forgive you
 24
I am sorry
 25
I am sorry I write poetry
 26
To make me feel like I deserve you
 27
Like the longer you spend on the tip of my pen
 28
Makes me more qualified to love you than any of them
 29
I am sorry I write poetry in part to preserve you
 30
I’ve observed you on so many accounts
 31
But it amounts to nothing
 32
If I can’t wait to see you in person
 33
And patience was never my virtue
 34
I am sorry I write poetry
 35
Sometimes just to hurt you
 36
And wonder if you wonder who it’s about
 37
I doubt it
 38
But lately
 39
The trees have been smelling like broken promises
 40
And the grass has been far too green
 41
And sometimes I make metaphors
 42
To mimic your mannerisms
 43
And I don’t even know what they mean
 44
When I was young
 45
I used to eat all the food I hated first  
 46
And save the best for last
 47
It felt like an honor
 48
I keep thinking you’re just waiting to honor me
 49
That you’re saving me for last
 50
And I’ve been fasting
 51
But today
 52
I ate my dessert first
 53
And it just gave me a stomach ache
 54
And standing in the rain gave me a cold
 55
My mother told me not to do these things
 56
And to stop talking on telephones
 57
She warned me of the colds and the aches
 58
And the cold aches in your bones
 59
And when the grass is too green
 60
And the trees smell like burnt toast
 61
I imagine your mouth tastes like stale candy
 62
And today I ate stale candy
 63
And it settled my stomach not my fears
 64
And today the rain filled my bed with tears
 65
And my mother said “Honey”
 66
“He’s not the type of boy to call anyone his”
 67
So I will not call you beautiful
 68
Because no one is
 69

24 Nov 16

Rated 10 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 7, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

In L5, is "whole" needed?  Is that line a tiny bit cliche'?

In L17, should "they" be "those?"

L28/L29 are brilliant.

In L69, you might consider removing "really"...just  a thought.

tp
 — texaspoet

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yaoxuemei20180712
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