interesting but artificial. it doesn't feel like a song, but it's not phrasing like english. japanese haiku only works in japanese. we've been tricked by our teachers to think it's working in english, but they only really wanted us to write anything at all. they didn't think we'd turn out to be poets and need more than a template.
dead skin on the groove,
wanting to be part of the song --
dandruff sing-along. — cadmium
I agree with cad. his version is groovier. — crepaway