poetry critical

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In This Darkness
frank2

The mechanical world grinds out its repetitions,
 1
The gods of industry demand blind obedience,
 2
The masters of oppression only change,
 3
The chameleon of conformity and conservative thought
 4
Continues to champion the status quo,
 5
For all we know the world is arranged.
 6
 
 
Gravitate towards the things you love,
 7
No matter how distant,
 8
No matter how hidden and hopeless,
 9
The only light is your own light,
 10
No matter what others might have you believe,
 11
Or how brightly they obey.
 12

16 Feb 17

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how about, since this has a strong bass rhythm feel to it,

the mechanical world grinds,
it grinds out its repetitions...

the gods of industry demand,
demand blind obedience.

( then, doubling the rhythm )

the masters of oppression only change,
the chameleon of conformity, conservative thought --
championing the status quo;
for all we know, the world is arranged.

...
it seems to me that just laying down a spike strip of sentences, catching the reader with smart thoughts, only pushes the reader into a quick judgment and away from poetry -- into journalism and what's the next item about. but, if you play the words off each other, and the phrases against each other, the reader maybe will pick up and remember what you are, what you mean and stand for, and not just platitude.
 — cadmium

interesting. thanks
 — frank2

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