poetry critical

online poetry workshop



instinct will find us
chloris

my mind strays
 1
wanting music to be heard by the universe
 2
to feel the magic i've bottled
 3
like pickled divinity in iced vodka
 4
when you wear me a orient pearl headdress
 5
alongside floral eccentricity
 6
one who deserves my instinct
 7
argue with confidence
 8
things i stumble upon
 9
stare me
 10
or find me inward
 11
mid sentence stutters
 12
hands to hold awkward are mine
 13
a physical disconnection
 14
i almost forget how to touch
 15
my deepest recess you could have tapped
 16
be a moment's infinite, and
 17
for the kill
 18
—i don't know what to say
 19

8 Oct 17

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Comments:

on 5, maybe 'an' orient pearl. it's traditional, but it sounds smoother. this feels a little like it was written in stone-space, as though the phrases appeared suddenly in your head, like blooming flowers. it means that even though you sense and know the connections, the reader isn't in your head, sort of has to plod along -- cause that's what perception is about -- going from room to image room. what you've written doesn't need to be styled down to the hair-salon crowd, though. and, even then some of them are naturally stoned.

as poetry this is a little wordy. as a document of the author constructing a poem it's interesting.
 — cadmium

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 — unknown

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