|Old King's Final Journey Through a Tapestry
Old king survives in tattered threads.
ornate robes fade just like himself.
Many though him dead but he survived,
a leader who was led to somewhere else.
Paper scroll prescribes for us his wealth,
while bird forever sings in swelling tree.
An angel’s wing shelters tarnished crown,
one last time the court falls to its knees
All will ever sing a sad refrain,
that echoed far on turbulent seas.
He needs his coat, river and a sail,
in case the strengthening winds should bring him rain.
22 Nov 17
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l1-2 - you have a period, but begin the next line with a lower case letter
l3 - "thought"
l8 - the lack of punctuation at the end of this line is odd and doesn't fit with the rest of your structure in this piece
There's something about the writing style / flow that irks me in this. I admire how much you've pared this piece down, but the sentence fragments end up feeling terse and generic. I don't think there's enough description to grab onto, so we're left in this sort of no-man's land...
l2 - "just like himself" very awkward construction. I feel like it could've been better accomplished if written something like "Old king's tattered threads, ornate robes faded like his face"
l3-4 - generic telling without showing. I think this is part of the problem with the disconnect I feel with this piece, where I can never really look inside it, because as a reader I don't feel invited to do so. The simplicity ends up causing inaccessibility, it's hard to look much farther than the surface.
l5-8 - I can't really fault the writing here. the "swelling tree" the "tarnished crown", all nice images, but the images also feel disconnected and don't resonate. I think there are better ways to describe wealth than a document, what the bird and angel's relation to the piece are remain largely unknown but there isn't really enough specificity to pierce the veil. l8 is pretty much just a description so there's nothing to work with there either.
l9-10 - more telling, there are better ways to express melancholy
l11-12 - I don't feel like the ending is very satisfying. We don't really get the moment of anagnorisis or revelation I think we as a reader had hoped for. And maybe you're purposely withholding that, but the result of the entire piece is this feeling of withholding, of inaccessibility, and I'm not sure that was intentional. It doesn't feel like we can ever really sympathize with the "old king" or even really get at him. But there's no fable like quality to this either, to suggest that he's been elevated. It's just stark.
Thanks for taking the time and trouble Inuki, and i take your main point. This poem, if that's what it is, is mainly descriptive as it will hopefully accompany a picture of a tapestry in the ..."Tenture de l'Apocalypse. Your comments are extremely welcome and give me much food for thought as similar to the poems i posted regarding Branwell Bronte i hope that i can write a series of pieces about the tapestries which are currently situated in the Chareaux at Angers in France
Larry beret Lark.
I know it's bad form Larry old bean, but I sense the importance of this one for you, so without apology I offer what comes next...
The old king survives in tattered threads
ornate robes faded like himself
Many mourned his death but he lives on
a leader led to somewhere else
A paper scroll prescribes his wealth
while birds forever sing in swelling tree
'neath angel's wing his tarnished crown
as one last time the court falls to its knees
Though all will ever sing a sad refrain
to echo far 'cross stormy seas
He craves his coat, the river and a sail
lest strengthening winds should bring him rain
S3 needs more time on it and the word 'fate' keeps winking away at me.
They say it gets harder the closer the thousand gets & they're probably right.
Salut ~ the phantom ed.
Thats not a bad shot PE. Naturally i prefer mine but i would being the egotistical self obsessed head case that i am.....Geez...i wish i could count beyond 999, that might become a bit of an emergency around this time next year.
Count Larry Lark.