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Vile Bodies
larrylark

Recently published research
 1
conclusiveley proves
 2
that dead bodies don't move,
 3
or spread infectious diseases.
 4
Siezures, plague, raging headaches.
 5
Cholera, typhoid, getting really annoyed.
 6
Psychosis,tubercolosis, anthrax,
 7
non- payment of tax are included.
 8
Plus smallpox, wrinkled cocks,
 9
halitosis, mixamitosis,
 10
yellow puss fever,
 11
and that these are more likely
 12
to be present in the living.
 13
So if a mass epidemic breaks out,
 14
sleep among the cadavers,
 15
whose diseases die with them,
 16
sprinkling lavender leaves
 17
to disguse the smell
 18
You could do worst.
 19
Anyone else you fancy?
 20
Make sure you murder them first,
 21
and by the way
 22
there's no such place as hell.
 23

3 Jul 04

Rated 8 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (2): 6, 8, 9

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Comments:

There is a cute idea here but I really believe you've cocked badly with this poem.
Of course dead bodies don't move!
Your list if infectious diseases is questionable to say the least!
Why such a long list?
Why no rhythm?
'getting really annoyed" is particularly feeble.
"more likely to be present in the living"??
Of course they're more bloody likely to be present in the living!!
"you could do worst" ???  "worse" would have worked ok!

You have a neat idea but what's with all that waffle?

You could for example enitle this 'Recent Research' and just blast out the facts cutely.
 — unknown

I think Larry's list of 'infectious' diseases was Larry being facetious. I agree with l13 but I think it's just a typo. Good work, Larry...made me laugh...an epidemic of wrinkled cocks and halitosis...oh my.        -Sam
 — unknown

Well at least I've engendered a bit of interest in his poem and he sure as hell deserves a bit of feedback!  ;)
 — unknown

oops ... that was me - unknown - who posted the last message.
 — unknown

Dear larylark

I am the vile unknown who first commented on your poem. I have since been to bed and have awoken refreshed and with hardly any hangover.  Your poem is nothing like as bad as i first thought.  I now realise that you are just taking the mick out silly season research reports  and i apologise for being so bloody dismissive.  Your list still bugs me as before and I don't think L12 is necessary but on the whole this aint bad at all.  I reckon you could still make good improvements to this by saying things in less waffily way.  

rgds

Unkno

PS Your title is really rather good!
 — unknown

Dear Unknown
And to think i nearly topped myself cus some piss artist was too wasted to recognise my true genius.I'll have to start taking myself less seriously.Thanks for your comments,i actually thought your initial criticism was perfectly valid and i will probably re-write bearing your comments in mind.
 — larrylark

Thanks Sam .I am always pleased when i can make someone laugh
 — larrylark

Dear laryrlark

Thankyou so much for being such an understanding recipient of my overzealous initial criticism.  I stand by my grovelling apology but do hope that I am the catalyst that helps you remould this poem into something more punchy less waffley and with even more funny bits.

rgds

Unkno

PS  Good luck!
 — unknown

Dear Unknown

Stop apologising ,i'm starting to love your desperate frailty and i don't even know you.Just give me some crits on future stuff and go with your instincts because they are seving you well.
 — larrylark

because its alllll the worst diseases
 — unknown

Dear All

no more comments on this awful poem that is an embarrassment until i get round to re-writing it
 — larrylark

larry stop hogging the random poem section, ok? it seems every time i click, there you are.
 — unknown

have you re-written it yet?




what about now?
 — inutile

Wow! this came up under random poems, which usually i dismiss--but this one caught me.  i must admit when i first read it i had to re-read again because some of the lines i stumbled over (visually speaking) i am oddly drawn to the content, which is where i will commend you the most--truely brilliant way of  portraying sarcastic social commentary
some of the lines--well, i like the rhythm of the poem, overall, but it seems to faulter some places for me, which might well add as oppose to take away (L4,L11-12)
and im kind of confused about line 13-i know what you want to say and it is said well but i think it will hold better if the two lines preceeding are altered. giving it the added weight it needs.

overall--i truely love this one--sothank you for another add to my favorites!
 — caderidris

Dear Unitile

here you are as requested

Larry old half forgotten faces Lark
 — larrylark

Dera Caderis

I found your comments really useful and have submitted a rewritten form of this poem which incidentally won a prize for making someone sick at the annual Zombie poetry convention.

Larry living dead Lark
 — larrylark

There is no such place as hell, this is pretty good because, with poetry, nothing has to have standards, unless its a specific type of poetry like a limerick, haiku, thaiku, senryu, yadayada.... See? i give it a 9.5!!! ^_^
 — kaos_anjyl

still laughing.
worst - worse.

s
 — unknown

Dear Kaos Anjyl

That is one cool reply. I'll read it again when i get out of this coffin.

Larry living with the dead Lark
 — larrylark

lol!!! O.o? I wanna coffin too!
 — kaos_anjyl

Dear kaos

I'm not joking or buggering about but if you want you can share mine cus its double size and you never know who might pop in or off in the dead of night.

Larry Phantome de la nuite Lark
 — larrylark

... oh really? Did I hafta know that?
 — kaos_anjyl

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