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Thinner
Haxxen

You will become
 1
Sick
 2
You will need
 3
Help
 4
 
 
They
 5
Will provide the help you need
 6
And I will hide
 7
Something inside the cadaver
 8
They take new tissue from
 9
 
 
There is no refrain
 10
From the circle
 11
That I bury
 12
In you.
 13

29 Dec 17

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
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Comments:

I like the plexus of the poem overall but feel it's in need of some slight modification.  Line 9 feels unnecessary or could be re-worded?  Also, 10-12 might be more effective as:
"there is no refrain
  from the circle
  I bury you in"
of course, that may change what you're trying to convey..
 — JKWeb

Damn jk. Thanks for the input... line 9 was my favourite line. :( was trying to do an ani difrancoesque "tapdance" there. Will rethink.

Regarding the last lines, I don't bury the person. I bury the curse in the person. So changing that would change the meaning. Ty for input.
 — Haxxen

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