poetry critical

online poetry workshop



winter
cadmium

i was wondering about
 1
avalanches giving and
 2
emptying,
 3
like a father who is
 4
not, like a rain
 5
that dries heaven.
 6
 
 
and, i'm a father, no one
 7
cares.
 8
and, all the snow in hell,
 9
and,
 10
the boy becomes a man.
 11
that's
 12
the fantasy.
 13
 
 
maybe, it's not like
 14
wishing,
 15
like a dream might
 16
make fathers...
 17
like a snow makes
 18
white rainbows.
 19

24 Apr 18

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I was wondering about a cheeseburger,before and after, I read your story.  A rain that dries heaven like it is wet in the first place.. plz elaborate.  how are children not cattle?  does work need to be done by minors?
 — percocet

can kids just sit and smoke pot until they're 18?
 — percocet

like a fool makes a follower
 — percocet

are you naturally stupid, or is this an act so's you don't get beat up in school...? hows that working out?
 — cadmium

Are your line breaks intentionally placed? Is there a meaning for you behind them as they are?
I ask because my experiences lead me to place them differently, but that just may because my mind created a different image than what you were projecting. Lovely poem.
~amy
 — unknown

they conform to my hesring of the phrasing, but in experimental verse like this, i'll shape the line to prevent a half-proposition, prevent the wrong talk phrase from wrongly concluding thre poetic phrase.

so, i don't want, "i was wondering about avalanches", but i want the live-view concept of a father both giving and taking. i thought that i'd lose the human implications if it turned into a symbolic nature poem. i want the association with nature, but want us to be more natural than nature.

same for yhe rest of the piece. it's basically prose verse, verse with funny line btpreaks, and wrong as portry. you're right to question it.

for me it's about taking risks and seeing how far i can go and learning new poet moves in writing.

thank you.
 — cadmium

i was walking mountains until i fell
i was heavy in the stomach until i felt my spine
 — unknown

yeah, this is just a chatty poem. i don't like it. it's nothing like what you're suggesting, which is that a poem should be a part of nature. this one's just 'advertisements for myself', as norman said.

thank you.
 — cadmium

by 'part of nature' i mean, not that you wrote about natural things, but that the poem you wrote was a part of nature -- as complete as a leaf is on a tree.
 — cadmium

re-edit to try to actually make this work beyond just gossiping about television scripts we live and die for.
 — cadmium

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