poetry critical

online poetry workshop



POF date 1
Haxxen

There was the pool
 1
On the rooftop
 2
Lakefish
 3
Lazy on the mirror below
 4
 
 
She arrived.
 5
 
 
Said she was 35.
 6
Probably lied by 25 years.
 7
 
 
Dripping with good jewelry.
 8
Immaculate nails
 9
And clothes
 10
But her makeup flaked like putty on a mannequin.
 11
 
 
Her well attended breasteses
 12
Heaved beneath a Scot's accent.
 13
 
 
As she threw vigor and effort
 14
Into sexual persuasion
 15
I noticed the ligature marks
 16
Barely powdered over
 17
Around her neck.
 18
 
 
She smiled.
 19
And I smiled along with her.
 20

3 Jun 18

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 3 users.
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Comments:

nice idea, lots to edit out. but, if this is for 'story magazine' nobody's going to care anyway, so have it good.

so much 'she' being said, but so much of this is only about the author saying what couldn't be said in person.
 — cadmium

Very intuitive cadmium.
 — Haxxen

so, hexx, how 'invalid as poetry geist'  would that be? like, it's still the author, and no author really touches reality beyond just describing their own ideas and feelings about it.

how 'story' can a poem be before it becomes a short story with lamer line-breaks? but, maybe there's another kind of poetry form called 'verse' -- and, that's what most poetry was called before the beatnik move of forcing poetry to be a religious witnessing about social or personal hurts.

if this is verse, then it works as verse. on line 8, i wouldn't need 'good', because 'jewelry' is bad only when it's faux or tacky?

on line 11, i'd not use 'but', if i were writing, because it doesn't energize the line, just slows it.

like,

And clothes, her makeup flaked like putty.

( bad jewelry already turns her into a mannequin. )

'breasteses' is cool. i don't know what a 'scott's' is, unless it's scotts tissure building her ten year old's chest?

maybe 16, either ligature or marks but not both? if 'ligature' then the sophisticated would know that was 'marks', and vice versa? so, saying them both is a styling thing? to make the words build like water behind a barrier, so that you can release the tension with 'she smiled'? in that case, i'd drop 'over' in line 17, since the rest of the phrase implies it.

something as potentially encumbered as this, where the reader reads impressions and adds them into a sensation, might finish with a tap-tap-tap kind of ending, dropping the reader -- like the very final moments of the beethoven fifth symphony, how it drops the reader back down out of the the ether?

she smiled.
i smile.
 — cadmium

line 20 and i smiled longing to be with her
 — rivergood

^ that would be a hella lie. Clearly you missed the point of the "pome" river. Lol
 — Haxxen

Regarding line 8 cad, that's exactly why I used the word "good". The fact it wasnt obvious to you makes me realize I should have expounded. Thx.
 — Haxxen

Scott's is "scottish".
 — Haxxen

no, dude, i know what 'good jewelry means' -- i've seen it on people in real life. good jewelry is code for high-class pretension, but all of what you've given us so far has shown that profoundly: fake age, over-dressed to not look like a bag-lady. all of that's obvious to anyone who's been around. so, what do you mean that i didn't get it, get 'good'. because, to me the superficiality of all this is that the author is in the same world as this woman -- just as i was when i was a kid and hit on by old men and women -- it's so obvious. the shallowness of this is that you only have humanity for yourself, until the end where you're bashful and just this kid in over your head, saying, 'i was just fooling.'

what's most un-poet in this is that it just doesn't do anything for the reader -- except for the evil reader, the unks in real life, who'd just laugh at her and move on to the next poem-ette snack.
 — cadmium

i think what's happening is that you're slapping the situation itself, like a parent. making it go away. and, on that level, river's right to ask about the basic biological reality of you and this encounter.

like, all you do is react to her as a sexual event -- as though your only worth were that you're a body and can do sex. you don't talk to her, don't ask her why she's there -- find out her story, that is. and, that's so obvious that it throws it back at the poem's author: what's he doing there?

and, if your world is that real non-poet's world of transaction, then this whole scene might better be written as a hunter's account -- probably in prose, since blabby long verse where the poet is the hero is pretty fail as poetry.

in this, it's a safe space write because you're controlling more what we don't see and ask about than what we might learn from.

the story would have to be conceptualized. what's it really about? one story is to allow it from her point of view, what had happened that day which panic'd her and made her go to this dangerously vulnerable place -- dangerous to whatever dignity she has left. meeting you -- you wouldn't look like sir lancelot -- a callow male, probably not kind, the fact that you're here at all.

or, whatever story works in the way you want a story to work. the born storywriter just puppets the world into empty shells and places them in the story, making them be what he or she needs them to be. it's all fake, but the reader reads fiction for fake, not insight or wisdom.

read dorothy parker's stories -- they're working on a deeper spiritual level, where the author is drowning and every character is a life boat to save her, rather than a clown to laugh at.
 — cadmium

I see you get it now.
 — Haxxen

you see that i've finally gotten it, or that you see that i understood it...?

you know, the case with poetry is that we see the author first, then the characters. so, in this, we think that the author is going to turn into this woman unless something good happens to him -- like, for instance that he goes deeper into writing a poem and discovers freedom and isn't controlled by his fantasies?
 — cadmium

I see you understood.
 — Haxxen

so, you see my 'gravity happy', how clunky it is -- and, where i didn't use 'poem' line breaks? you can see the work-fucking in it, the going for style moments. i think that formatting as poem hides these mistakes because reading it is to cope with the linebreaks, WHICH IS A TIME-SPACE OF ITS OWN. poetry is about momentary and displaced time.
 — cadmium

I've definitely seen better from u.
 — Haxxen

but, that's the point. that you have to be honest enough to show everything and roll with the crits. it's a workshop. the unks who want this to be a lap dance club are just wrong. even though all poetry is about love and sex, some writing isn't poetry.  
 — cadmium

LOL POF. is this recent?
surprised me with that twist, very good, creepy, cheap, sad, yeah...twisted.

There are filler-fat words I'd omit, but you know that; pretty sure you don't write like this without intention, though I'm not sure what the intentions is, like a mixer of cheap, sleazy, dark, emo, immature, but none of one entirely.  

Should be "Scot's" accent.

Nice poem.
 — jenakajoffer

WOW, I love this... 60, but claimed 35, eh?  
I would try OKCupid.com, I had luck there...
 — aforbing

Haha! Andreaaaaaa 😂
 — jenakajoffer

Fixed line 13. Ty for correction.
 — Haxxen

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2018.8.7xukaimin
 — yaoxuemei

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