poetry critical

online poetry workshop


We three;  Mag, Tamp and Esau--
Names float: magtampisaw.
(Four days)
In water, heavy.
This day with bite,
   we few salty roots
      f  i  g  h  t
Water's dull rub
   & sun's dry burn.
(Green sea swell.)
Many black-wings
fly 'round this day:
They know who fears.
Eyes stab skies, and stab I;
   rain comes not this day
(with spit)
        We suck dry
  and sew back how
We  l o  n   g.
We two; Mag and Esau--
Moon's black swell comes: count we not, Tamp.
(Four nights)
In water, heavy.

If this reads kind of funny, its because it was written under the rules of a contest where only 207 words were allowed.  (Hence the odd voice)

The title contains the word "peace" in the pronunciation for "magtampisaw".  (Also a rule for the contest:  that the title contained the word "peace" in some form)

Magtampisaw means "to wade in water," (etymology;  a dialect in the Philippines) which is what the characters of the poem are doing.  

5 Jul 04

Rated 9 (9) by 4 users.
Active (4):
Inactive (2): 5, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(33 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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It's over the length limit...isn't the limit 21 lines? If I'm wrong, just ignore me and I'll come back later and comment again.

 — unknown

Just checked the guidelines...20 lines or less...

 — unknown

Yeah, the limit is supposed to be 20 lines, but I liked the line breaks too much.  I think that's the only rule I broke.

Anyway, what did you think of the poem?  I don't care if I win or not, I just wanted a challenge.
 — root

It's alright I suppose...It doesn't really do anything for me since I don't understand it. I've just about had it with that damn word...I have no clue what it means. That's why I didn't use it in my poem...that and it just didn't fit with the style. I'm not really sure what to tell you man. I don't feel like this flows very well, IMO. I'll watch other people's comments and I may come back again sometime and comment/rate.

 — unknown

whoa..i had no idea magtampisaw was a word. i made mine into a location. its a bit odd for me, will have to read and read again this one. okay, i googled magtampisaw, its in another damn language! its makes a little more sense with the definition of the word.
 — wendz

This is a bit hard to understand, particularly lines 5-6 don't make a lot of sense, but I do like lines 14-15.
 — claudia

 — hank

LOVE ll8-9.  So sad that Tamp met his demise.  I think this was well written and I don't really have anything that I would add or take away.  This is very different than anything that I've ever written and I'm finding it hard to comment on it.  I really like l3 and l23, the way that it ties in the beginning with the end, and the way that it adds some important information as a afterthought.
 — amy

Thanks to all for the comments here.  I was a bit frustrated at how many people seemed to have a hard time understanding this one;  I know it isn't a traditional sort of poem, but I purposely wrote it as such for a few reasons.  1)  One of the first things I did was look up the definition to magtampisaw, and once I learned it I knew I could creatively implement it into my poem in a way that other's wouldn't try to do  2)  About half of the poems were written in a "traditional" form, while the other half--OKComputer's, ersaph's, Davezilla's and my own--tried to create a different voice since the word list was so limited.  I think this is where I lost a lot of people, but I'm glad at least amy understood what I was trying to do.  As she said, its a minimalist narrative (from either Mag or Esau's voice) of three persons wading through water for days and days.  Kind of a bizarre choice, but as I alluded in the poem's footnote, the definition of magtampisaw is why it makes sense.
 — unknown

I think this poem jumps way too much.  I don't really know enough about the reasoning behind spacing and line breaks like that, but I'm not sure that I like it here.  I think you had a good idea about breaking up Magtampisaw, but it seems a little too contrived.  With all that negativity, I do like the lines "Water's dull rub / and sun's dry burn."  Those are some lines that just stick out.
 — TaylorC

this is okay.  "eyes stab skies, and stab i" is fantastic.  i read this out loud and that really jumped out at me, i smiled when i read it.  i enjoy how you used the word.  very creative.
 — done

done--  i could kiss you, honestly, for your comment.  this piece was made to be read aloud... it was how i intended it to be when i wrote it, i just didn't realize it until you left your comment.  honestly, i think that is what makes this a poem in my mind;  i was hearing it spoken in my head when i wrote it.  i realize a lot of people don't like the line breaks and the flow-- it does seem contrived, and i tried to find better ways of saying what i wanted to say within the bounds of the contest, but i think the minimalism is effective because it reflects the "tiredness" or the narrator.  i hope that makes sense, and i hope people come back to this piece and read it again--out loud--to see if they will agree with your brilliant insight, done.  i hope i am able to repay you in some way, for your comment--i'm sure it means more to me than you hoped.  thank you!

 — unknown

that would be "tiredness OF the narrator" in the above comment.  also, i think that reading this one out loud is effective for understanding a poem's rhythm-- this is true of a lot of pieces, not just this one.
 — root

who cares about the lines lol..but very good and interesting poem..keep it up
 — unknown

before i typed a word here
i clicked the add
this poem to my favorites

it's rare i give a 10 -- to me, ten is perfect (at
least for me), and even some of my
favorites are not 10

but this is -- no doubt, no hyperbole -- the best new poem i've read in the last several years ... line breaks, word choice ... (where
are the other poems from this contest?)
 — Bloodfetish

no coincidence you like it.  it's one of the winners!
ht tp://poetry.tetto.org/forum/read/10937/
 — gnormal

well, i should say i never thought anyone would read, much less appreciate, this one again.

thank you bloodfetish--i am so so happy that you liked this.  gnormal's contest really opened my eyes to a new way of writing poetry, as i think it did many of the participants.

interestingly enough, i am currently running a similar contest, called the Lighten Up contest, which closes at midnight on Feb. 14th if you are piqued enough to participate in something similar.

check the message board if you are;  the LU contest thread should be on the most current page of the forum right now, and the rules are up there.

i should also say i had a lot of fun writing this.  thank you.
 — root

I found it slighty difficult to read, i had to read it twice to properly understand. it's o.k though.
 — smiddy

are you Filipino?
 — alambre

pretty good and creative.
deserves the 1st prize.
: )
 — fractalcore

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