poetry critical

online poetry workshop

you mock

you mock,
you laugh in the same way,
year after year, at
the same me,
my, butterfly.
and, each time, i become
what you want, change into
dog shit,
lose. but, i'm resiliant,
quick. i reject out
the you, the Dog... it's change,
hegalian... learn to
despise myself freely...
i'm shit.
and, mister... you never,
when i'm floating past, the different me,
to you, i'm
me forever...
you keep me young.
...you don't see how
my words have altered,
changed, to swim in
so little oxygen...
a trailer park septic
in the mean
little heart of
the man who hates everyone
but some
precious toy boy or girl.

31 Jul 18

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 3 users.
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Not bad but the commas in the first three staves are overkill.  It's like trying to read a poem by William Shatner.  Also, -dog shit- doesn't work in line eight.  Reads like someone wants you to become dog shit and you comply.  Lastly, ellipsis are meant to replace words or they imply something, they're not for decoration.
 — unknown

commas are a classic move to slow the reader. it's called 'rhetorical comma'. the idea is to score the poem like a music score, to help the poem be read as i heard it as i wrote it.

and, duh, i don't know why you're worried about the commas, when you don't seem to understand the poem. yes, i'm empathic, yes i'm turning into dog shit just because some unk wants me to -- the point is that i want to find out what things mean. i try to understand what the unk is actually getting at. so, i analyze and do the math and turn out the dog part -- the unk part -- and just end as shit. that's the beginning of enlightenment. from that i go on to say something mean about the unk.

in my schema, this isn't a poem, it's an outline for a short story i'm too dumb to make into paragraphs. but, the poetic moves and signs are used correctly. the ellipsis are classical signs of a rhetorical pause. where did you go to school, that your sense of poetry grammar is founded on shop-foreman reports grammar?
 — cadmium

sound like an attempt to figure something out in you head but still haven't figured it out, which is fine, that's actually good; it's not conclusive and nor should it be.  i don't think a million commas to control how the reader reads a poem is necessary, i get the point, the pause, the metronome, but i also feel it's constrictive, like super anal retentive. little man who hates everyone....
 — jenakajoffer

angry poem  dog shit
 — unknown

jen, i find when people who read tweets read poetry, they read it as an info-scan. they don't read the poem out-loud to find the poem's meaning. it's not about me, it's about what the poem teaches me about me as i write it. the poem's being is its rhythm and sound. but, read my comment about this not being a poem. something is missing in this. it's telling and teaching and not showing. look at the 'death of a poet' thing. how it's so organic and this is so wordy.

we have to learn how to read the poet, not make the poet write like a tweeter. you want that for your own work -- i've read how you respond when someone thinks you should just write the facts and not, as poets do, try to write the world the facts exist in as a human world.

but, don't to 'interpretation', which is all most everyone can do with a poem: 'what does hamlet Mean when he says...?'

this is well figured out. i'm talking about these fucking unks here who want the site to be a senior center for playing 'poems'. i'm setting up a situation where i'm showing my relationship and thinking about being attacked by hostile and illiterate critics. anonymous critics.

i'm saying that i'm intuitive -- WHICH IS ALL A POET IS --  and take what they, you, say personally -- i see myself as a worthless disruptive who gives only pain and confusion, when the world is so hard and bad as it is that we should give only good words to everyone we meet. i do, in the real world -- i'm considered to have a 'good heart' by people who are much nicer than any of us here.

but, in the critique i'm forced to see myself as you or unk127 homey sees me. see myself the way a thug or an accountant sees me -- disruptive to the order. i can do that, see myself that way. it's a poet thing.

and, the cute in this, is that i'm saying that when i get into some troll's head, i learn the troll and add that to my own consciousness, and learn to deal with it -- and, i'm saying that's something the troll can't do, because he's not a poet: he can't find himself in his writing. he uses writing as a projectile to hurt, not to bring a dialog about in order to understand what's really what.

so, yes, i become the dogshit the troll wishes on me. then, i'm saying that rationality ejects the troll from the picture and what's left is just me as shit. troll is just a dog pissing on a post... or smearing dogshit all over someone's poem space just so none of our dialog will be in 'recently commented'.

This poem is to say that what doesn't kill me, nourishes me. and that even an illiterate post from some 'this is a gud poem' or 'you are shit' makes a conscious person deal with it consciously, and that the troll looses. the troll fails to do anything to make me leave the site.

then, this poem leaves poem space and turns into a little short story, where i outline a personality for the troll as a character in the story. he's not a nice person. and, the failure in this piece as poem is that it's only about what's going to happen to this troll when he gets caught outside the school yard. an insult, because i don't really think the unks are pedos, but it's such a cheap and easy thing to say to get someone's attention. all of which is too much to ask a poem to do, without it turning into some walt whitman blah-blah. the world's full of blah-blah, and a poem focuses down to the atomic 'blah' and converts it into spirit. this one doesn't do that.

but, really... don't you read poems? don't you ever read 'shakespeare' and see how grammar signs are used for effective presentation...?
 — cadmium

Excellent poem
 — rivergood