poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Illegals
unknown

I could write thousands of letters about you
 1
until my wrist fractured
 2
biro exsanguinated
 3
back ached
 4
but today in the interest of border security
 5
self preservation
 6
I ll just keep you invisible
 7
undocumented
 8
incarcerated
 9
in the sound proof
 10
labryinth of my skull
 11


BUILD THE WALL

1 Sep 18

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 3

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

since this is a workshop and not a poetry idol, can i ask what you want from this piece? what you'd expect from the reader, or expect from who it's written about or to?

it's so up-tight, but with no content except your cranky. the words are over-modeled, baroque -- dressed in upper-class. as though you were using someone's formal look to show that he or she or us had better keep our distance, because you're 'someone'. it's like pushkin but without love interest. the poem would be you reacting to being ignored or bothered -- upset enough to call yourself a fool. that'd be personal.
 — cadmium

He’s just jealous
 — Seventeen

of what, actually? it's not a well crafted piece, and the content isn't used in any real way except gossiping about some CNN news for likes.

show me, seventeen, where the writing of poetry is shown in this in a way which would show me how to write better. that's the only way i'm made jealous of someone else's writing. are you really seventeen? a genius seventeen year old, like rimbaud, would slam your shallowness.
 — cadmium

Cadmium is jealous of his prior Cadmium versions because perfection has no other competition but itself.
 — unknown

can you re-work that into english? versions of what? is this my poem? or, do you mean prior writings? -- other poems...?

i'd feel empathy for you if you'd talked about this poem instead of me. i'm easy to hate, but a resolution poem like this one is very difficult to understand for someone who's only into having fun.

i know what it's like to be used by someone who doesn't love you. i was a boy once too. but, i also know that realizing myself in relationships as a donald trump, a user, makes for crappy poetry -- it's too narcissist, too vanity and ego... it's like mental constipation, and the aggression in it all freezes the writer, kills the music and rhythm in the poem. You see how the author of this is trying for some style? there's no way for the form of this to let the author out of her 'poem'. poetry is a process of becoming, not a monument to dead feelings.  
 — cadmium

Cadmium is radioactive.  
 — unknown

and, you're unable to visualize. just saying a cliche does what? you think anyone wants to know you just because your young and cranky?
 — cadmium

Response to Illegals:

Build your wall
Concrete and steel
Barbed helix crown.
Monsters and men and dogs
at the gate
Licking their lips
Ready for blood

Design your labyrinth
Gather the brilliant
to prove themselves
They lay plans at your feet
Filled with winding insanity

Bind your heart
Ghosts and angels
with quivering hands
Weave webs of eternity.
Swaddle each chamber.
Clasp ponts des arts locks
Swallow every key


Will I conquer the wall?
Others have tried.
Shreds of their meat wave like terrible flags
Could I fashion a ladder of broken bones?
Scale the heights in secret
and fall to my death

Will I master the labyrinth?
Use tears to make trails?
Sell my body to your scholars
In exchange for the map

Will I unlock your heart?
Make every attempt
with bolt cutters,
blowtorches,
Manic wrecking balls
Resort to explosives and
blow us both to bits


No
I do none of this
I know nothing of courage
nothing of strength
I know only one way


First the wall

I approach the gate
There is snarling and stench
I say to your cronies:
“Good and faithful guards,
You protect your king with courage.”

“Now I have come to love him.”

They bow their heads.
The dogs whine at my feet.
Claws soft in my hands
as they lead me inside.


Then the labyrinth

I walk with purpose
Head held high
To the center of your prison
The belly of your bleakness
Lay face down on the floor
And whisper softly,

“I will stay here forever”

The ground opens up
And I fall into you


Finally, your heart

A beautiful shroud,
full of lonely burdens
It hangs in the air
but sags with the weight
Cautiously I lift, cradle
And tenderly say,

“Let me carry you.”

Locks fall all around
Webs dissolve like wet candy

I see you at last.
 — Seventeen

total list of cliches. is a poem a word-list so's we can all be cultured and intellectuals-like? is dis the meaning of poesy? which is to understand that that means poetry writing is like some air-freshener in a working class house for making it smell middle class.

none of what you're writing has anything to do with the poem. the writer of 'illegals' is using the wall and desire and hunger for love as being "like" what going through love is like. nobody cares if you have feelings here, if you can't convert the feelings into an emotion we've never felt or even heard of before -- convincing us that you are the actual receptor of truth and sensuality. we're poets, not college freshman debating jean paul satre in phil 101.
 — cadmium

sevententh, check out jkweb's last response in the poem 'dissolved'. you see how he's seeing the entire poem as a matrix and feels the ending should be what the poem is, rather than just a snappy bitched ending to sound smart? that's the problem i have with your pastiche re-work of this poem. it says all the lines from all the netflix at all the right places, but without the blackout the flix offer to move quickly away from shallow. like, you're at the point in writing where you realize you can rearrange sentences into cool things. the next step is when you invent sentences by yourself. the step after that is when you write poetry instead of stories, using phrases and rhythms and your biological physical tide to play your words into a poem.
 — cadmium

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 — unknown

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