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brain-film
cadmium

i'm onna max, the metro -- T -- EL -- SubWay,
 1
from day to day,
 2
there's next to this cute 30 year old guy,
 3
across from him, a seat,
 4
and i squeeze into it -- he's all over
 5
his both seats, you know? a carry bag,
 6
and him and his legs sticking out into the
 7
empty space which time forgot. i mean,
 8
he's expansive. he's a metro driver off duty,
 9
he's comfortable. except with me. i sit down,
 10
he's reading a newspaper -- guy that takes two
 11
hours to read a newspaper... no comment.
 12
he glances at me as i sit, thoughts out, 'faggot',
 13
glares slightly, growls. but, i sit there,
 14
looking out the window away from his
 15
eye, and he's back to mouthing 'sim-i-lar to',
 16
and all's well.
 17
 
 
so, i'm me, and i start imaging this movie,
 18
ah'm spiteful,
 19
my head fills with the space, and he's there
 20
and i imagine this porn where we get it
 21
on,
 22
it's pretty hot,
 23
and i'm evidently projecting out,
 24
when you're empathetic
 25
you give as much as you get,
 26
and, he's suddenly jerk looks at me,
 27
i'm facing away, innocent, he stares for
 28
a second, abrupt... did i see a 'heez checking at mee'
 29
moment,
 30
where it's pretty funny. all of it. every square straight
 31
dumbfuck bit.
 32

8 Sep 18

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Comments:

INFJ structures reality so that it sees sentiment but acknowledges sentiment as a loyalty value. we want to stay clear so that we can help the community heal itself through consciousness. in the world we value sentiment as the melody of social relationships.

in this one, the INFJ protects its feelings by building hyper defense zones around each of its personalities. basically, it's: if you patronize me, shame me for being a little emo faggot, i will enter your vanity and dissolve your ego like rattlesnake venom.
 — cadmium

Tunnel - horseshoe of dark behind,
horseshoe of light ahead.
Through the window, fields,
and a well hung pony.
 — unknown

You need to take more care in your presentation of the information you are giving the reader, IT NEEDS TO MAKE SENSE.

Example 1.
"i'm onna max, the metro -- T -- EL -- SubWay,
from day to day,
there's next to this cute 30 year old guy,
across from him, a seat,"
THE SEAT CANNOT BE BOTH "NEXT TO HIM, AND ACROSS FROM HIM AT THE SAME TIME.

Example 2.
"you give as much as you get,
and, he's suddenly jerk looks at me,
i'm facing away, innocent, he stares for
a second, abrupt... did i see a 'heez checking at mee'
moment,"
LINE TWO OF THIS EXERPT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE FOR A START, BUT MOST OF ALL, IF YOU ARE "FACING AWAY" HOW DO YOU KNOW HE "LOOKS AT YOU"
OR "STARES FOR A SECOND."

This is prose, not poetry; or a prose poem. Learn to differentiate one from the other.
 — unknown

Train tunnel - horseshoe of dark behind,
horseshoe of light ahead.
Through the window, fields,
and a well hung pony.


Version 2
 — unknown

youxre a semi-literate. do you have any college at all? i have harvard university, creative writing with chris brookhouse, 1964...

this is how we wanted poetry to look back then. what you want, it feels like, is a 'tweetx version of some write-like-you're-not-your-mother stuff.

read my explication comment. you're no better than the phobic comment you made prior to this one.

all unks are the same person. linear as a dildo. i don't want to write like you. i don't care if your reading level is stuck at a tenth grader's. go read a graphic novel.
 — cadmium

youxre a semi-literate. do you have any college at all? i have harvard university, creative writing with chris brookhouse, 1964...

this is how we wanted poetry to look back then. what you want, it feels like, is a 'tweetx version of some write-like-you're-not-your-mother stuff.

read my explication comment. you're no better than the phobic comment you made prior to this one.

all unks are the same person. linear as a dildo. i don't want to write like you. i don't care if your reading level is stuck at a tenth grader's. go read a graphic novel.
 — cadmium

You need to capitalise your "i" to "I" every time you use it to identify yourself.

You need to start every new sentence with a capital letter. This means after a full stop has been used; or some other punctuation that brings this rule into play, ie, a question mark for instance.
 — unknown

i think you must be presenting a comedy routine. yes, before 1910 or so it was du rigueur to capitalize each starting line. it was because poetry was supposed to be a 'high-class' thing, upper class, and if you read poetry you were more sensitive and intelligent and, therefore, justified in earning your middle-income bucks. ( 'bucks' means dollars. ) i think you must have learned english poetry in a russian high-school? "half a league, half a league..."

A POET INVENTS POETRY. POETRY IS THE INVENTION OF LANGUAGE.

but, maybe you think only inventing sputniks is invention...? the wording on the page looks the way the poet wants the poem to be received. This poem is in american. you know americans are all white trash and negro slaves. why do you want me to write like an English Gentleman...? i'm american! where would the money be in that???
 — cadmium

Because of your resistance to critique you are not reading and understanding the critique I gave to your writing. First and foremost I never told you to capitalize
"each starting line." When you have digested that you may write another reply.
 — unknown

i'm not resisting critique, i'm analyzing your critique. you're not educated enough in poetry writing to give me a helpful critique. understand that i don't care if you like this or not. you're not the person i write for. you're not a poet and you don't know poetry. maybe you know russian poetry? who cares?
 — cadmium

yes, you are right to know that you should not start every line with a capital letter. that's old-fashioned. why use capital letters at all? except for Emphasizing a word? literate people know words -- poets are literate people. we know words. are you very literate in english? do you have the vocabulary which a poetry reader must have to feel a poem?

yes, don't capitalize every first line. you're correct, comrade. we must capitalize every 18th line because comrade stalin was born on the 18th of the month. If your poem has less than 18 lines, you must add lines. most people here add lines far beyond when they ought to end the poem. no one will notice if you ad 9 lines of infantile tit-suck to your poem.
 — cadmium

Cadmium said: "yes, don't capitalize every first line. you're correct."

I never said that poets should not capitalise every line either!! If a writer wants to capitalize "every first line," then that is up to them. A lot of poets still do.

Read what I write more carefully before you reply!!
 — unknown

yes, one should not capitalize the last line of a poem. it pushes too much. too much pushing with no content is lamer.
 — cadmium

Tunnel - horseshoe of dark behind us,
horseshoe of light ahead.
Through the window, fields,
and a well hung pony.
 — unknown

Version 3
 — unknown

there was a straight boy
from Kentucky,
who thought fucking queers
would be ducky.

but, when asked for a kiss,
the hill boy got stiff, and,
the whole thing went down
total sucky!

[every guy's queer after 6 beers.]

( yes, it's original and written for this post. )
 — cadmium

This is just a bundle of words.  Although somehow addictive

I am messing round the youngest
even in my lacklustre guise
 — unknown

and, you're just a bundle of love and totally addictive. come back when you learn english and we'll talk.
 — cadmium

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