| Surreal
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Ognibia
| Perched | 1 |
on a dental chair, | 2 |
three extractions deep. | 3 |
Flossing was trivial, | 4 |
now I have no teeth. | 5 |
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Apple head doll, | 6 |
tears on my cheek, | 7 |
all hope abandoned. | 8 |
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How will they find me, | 9 |
if i get lost, | 10 |
without my identifiers | 11 |
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Sweat on my brow, | 12 |
Morning has broke, | 13 |
I put my hand to my mouth. | 14 |
All thirty-two, | 15 |
I let out a cry, | 16 |
ORAL CARE is no joke. | 17 |
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11 Sep 18 |
Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:
this is called 'surreal', on sept 11th. how is this surreal? what is the surreal part? the title itself? the buddha said "'surrealism' is when you piss in someone's beer and they drink it by mistake. but, dadaism is when you piss in that beer and You drink it by mistake."
there's not enough mistakes in this here fine writing piece of yours to be surreal.
— cadmium
Thank you for calling my poem ‘fine writing’
I was trying to improve my writing, my first poem had a lot of forced rhyming and too many words. I actually wrote this today after my dentist appointment.
— Ognibia
how do you define 'surrealism'? by the way, 'fine writing' was a image.
— cadmium
Surreal: marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream; also : unbelievable, fantastic
Ok, I misunderstood your post....thank you for your constructive criticism, I thought the title fit the poem, being that it is a dream and a relieved dreamer getting a do-over.
— Ognibia
I am a new poet, just learning.....
— Ognibia
problem is that it's written in forensic language and not dream language. like, a dream seems to feel like a melody. i can write music to this, but i'm sometimes a classical composer. but, i can't hear your music, the music you wrote this to or wanted it to sound like.
by the way, do you write poetry with music on? that's like riding a bike with training wheels. your inner spirit and voice will never find its own melody if it's bumping to someone else's. even to mozart --
— cadmium
A better effort this, you have imagery; you have a story, you have slight rhyme,
and a beginning and an end.
"N" is dreaming that his teeth are being taken, and wakes from the "nightmare" sweating, and then thankful his fright was only a dream.
I like the "apple head doll" image/thought.
You need the word "on" after "perched" for it to make sense.
— unknown
Thank you unknown, I really appreciate your opinions.
— Ognibia
cadmium I do infact have music on, I never thought of the distraction. Thank you so much for steering me in the right direction.
— Ognibia
You could ask yourself now about a line break, for instance, ie, which reads better,
your start, or,
Perched
on a dental chair,
Next, the context of verse 3 does not pertain to real life, ie, the only time (I believe) that "teeth" are used to "identify" someone would be if that person is dead, not "lost."
Keep writing.
— unknown
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