poetry critical

online poetry workshop



telemarketers
cadmium

they tell me they love me,
 1
give me a token -- come to
 2
our music show,
 3
jesus has spoken.
 4
 
 
i share the ark of music,
 5
it is water -- making harmony;
 6
how many ages, we sound together,
 7
our single song.
 8
 
 
they tell  me they love me:
 9
teenagers
 10
offering love. it don't.
 11
 
 
i want to be john the baptist,
 12
giving them water splashed 8 ways,
 13
like wonderbread used to, till they
 14
re-branded it to 12. 12 apostles,
 15
two gods. it was always
 16
only one wonder.
 17

17 Sep 18

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met some kids today while i was waiting in front of powell's for the bus. they were practicing being holy or something -- born agains, like salesmen trainees: 'we love you'. like, so what? teenage love, one step from 'i love you, mommy', but now grownup and free choice: i choose to love you. like, next time bring some life so's you'll know how to find your love by talking with someone who loves. they were all, 'we'll give you this for free' and never once listened.
 — cadmium

Sun at his back; the giant shadow of the man slung beneath the cross
is thrown across the parched earth.
Like an angel flying he thinks.
 — unknown

sperm on the page?
 — cadmium

Snake-oil;
coated slick in it
he rises:
then poof,
just like that
he's gone.
 — unknown

Ezra Pound is one of Cadmiums likes matching styles
 — unknown

Ezra Pound. In a Station of the Metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.
 — unknown

i wuv you, dude.
 — cadmium

The "it don't" line 3 Verse 3, does not make sense.

So "wonderbread " used to splash water 8 ways? Then it splashed water 12 ways
because it was rebranded?

What was only "one wonder?"
 — unknown

This is prose with line breaks.
 — unknown

'it don't' -- teenage love isn't love. the offering is the thing spoken to. 'teenage love, it don't offer love'.

only one wonder. the wonder of what jesus represents, that which is before the invention of the corporate 'jesus industry'. It's a typical re-identity of the holy which we poets go through as we invent the world and then have to invent a reason for the world, a solution to the world. so, 'wonder' is like 'love'.

'wonderbread' a stupid image, probably. when i was a boy -- this would be back in 1956 or something, 'wonderbread', a crap bread product, used to advertise that it built strong bodes 8 ways'. then, it suddenly changed to '12 ways'. this was one of those moments when you realize that people are playing you. even when you're only ten years old. so, it's about branding religion, selling jesus and salvation, and how the advertisers change the context every now and then. like when 'christian rock' was invented. rock had always been a bad-boy music until then.
 — cadmium

prose with line break unk, put this into a paragraph and see if it can be read as prose. it can't.
 — cadmium

they tell me they love me, give me a token --
come to our music show, jesus has spoken. 
i share the ark of music, it is water, making harmony;
how many ages, we sound together, our single song.
they tell me they love me: teenagers offering love. it don't.
i want to be john the baptist, giving them water splashed 8 ways,
like wonderbread used to, till they re-branded it to 12.
12 apostles, two gods. it was always only one wonder.

There you go. Written out thus also exposes the pieces frailties.
 — unknown

yes, you're showing that it's not prose shit, that it's verse and has to be read as music and not as a snack food for leeches.

snack on.
 — cadmium

The tell me they love me, give me a token. "Come to our music show! Jesus has spoken. I share the ark of music. It is water: making harmony. How many ages we sound together? -- Our single song. They tell me they love me: teenagers offering love. It don't. I want to be John The Baptist, giving them water splashed eight ways -- like Wonderbread used to, till they changed it to twelve. Twelve Apostles. Two Gods. It was always only one wonder.

//
this is how it would be prosed. you see how the syntax breaks when it's turned into linear information bites? how it just seems clunky as prose but seems musical in the poetry format?
 — cadmium

Deluded comes to mind.
 — unknown

i'm open to your crit.
 — cadmium

Of course you are.
 — unknown

so, whatxs the consciousness of 'delusion'. -- assuming it's a genuine human consciousness. how does my state of delusion help here? for me, it chills me to the bone when i read someone like that here. it makes me radically re-think my work. i've deleted several pieces after that analysis. i hate fake poetry, but delusion doesn't automatically make for bad poetry. most every poet is deludedabout their own work. some of mine will still be read in 50 years. most of the complete poetry magazine poets have been junked after 20 years now. fashion still needs genius.
 — cadmium

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