poetry critical

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untitled
unknown

I drove through clouds today
 1
The weight of you
 2
so much in them
 3
they touched the ground
 4
 
 
Your breath condensed
 5
and I rode
 6
windows down
 7
to feel you on my skin
 8
 
 
Your shoulders curved in
 9
sultry hills and rightly so
 10
I could not reach them
 11
 
 
The day bled on
 12
The bleakness grew
 13
You pulled grey covers
 14
over the sky
 15
over your head
 16
 
 
Your perfect eyelids
 17
defeated
 18
gave up standing
 19
A night without stars
 20
your lashes
 21
batted away
 22

22 Sep 18

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Comments:

nice wording of these nice images. i think though it has the same problem that most of my craft-brewed poems have. there's no overall unity of lyric unifying all the stanzas. it comes off as a garland of semi-haiku type objects. one after another. it's like there's a full stop and cut away to comment between each stanza. it makes the next stanza seem like a comment on the last, almost prosaic. this isn't a problem as much as it's a symptom that we're not fully lyrically inspired when we write -- that we're thinking down the poem rather than letting the poem write itself. often, though, when i've got such a tight poem as this, it's because i've edited it down so that it won't sound fruity or over done. other times, it's because i've had to work very hard to visualize what i'm writing and visualize it into the next stanza. forgetting that it's the lyric which carries and creates images in the first place.
very nice images and within the stanzas a nice flow.
 — cadmium

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