poetry critical

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It’s the centre of the universe, Lennon said,
And someone with us said they'd seen Yoko with a friend,
Crying in the park.
We trudged along Park Avenue,
Checked out Trump Towers and Tiffanys and Times Square all pimped out,
Bright as noon at midnight,
Full of junk.
The crowded streets ethereal,
Beautiful women dressed like stars.
On every corner a bargain to be had,
A hundred thousand watches that tick, tick, tick their five bucks worth of nothing.
Jungle raw, people and their poison
Dancing 'round a dream,
O Lord Money,
This is your Shan-gri-la,
There is no moon, no sky,
But are they really necessary?
Funny though,
Despite the heavy horns and the jostling crowds,
All I could think of all day was Yoko,
With a friend,
Crying in the park.

18 Jan 19

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this had a lot of good in it but I think there's too much. I lost interest.
for starters I'd remove line 8 "There is no better place to be."
and line 13 could become "Beautiful women dressed like stars,"
and line 10 could become "Dancing ‘round a dream,"

lines 18 to 44 could be rethought.
I love the Yoko image though.
and the way it bookends
 — SkaaDee

geez.. an actual constructive comment.. you know, instead of the horrible heckling that some people do. thank you for this. and very true - too long and too much blah blah blah. I've tried to shorten it and make it more succinct. Thanks again for reading and commenting.
 — frank2

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