poetry critical

online poetry workshop



NYC
unknown

It’s the centre of the universe, Lennon said,
 1
And someone with us said they'd seen Yoko with a friend,
 2
Crying in the park.
 3
 
 
We trudged along Park Avenue,
 4
Checked out Trump Towers and Tiffanys and Times Square all pimped out,
 5
Bright as noon at midnight,
 6
Full of junk.
 7
 
 
The crowded streets ethereal,
 8
Beautiful women dressed like stars.
 9
 
 
On every corner a bargain to be had,
 10
A hundred thousand watches that tick, tick, tick their five bucks worth of nothing.
 11
 
 
Jungle raw, people and their poison
 12
Dancing 'round a dream,
 13
O Lord Money,
 14
This is your Shan-gri-la,
 15
There is no moon, no sky,
 16
But are they really necessary?
 17
 
 
Funny though,
 18
Despite the heavy horns and the jostling crowds,
 19
All I could think of all day was Yoko,
 20
With a friend,
 21
Sitting,
 22
Crying in the park.
 23

18 Jan 19


(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

this had a lot of good in it but I think there's too much. I lost interest.
for starters I'd remove line 8 "There is no better place to be."
and line 13 could become "Beautiful women dressed like stars,"
and line 10 could become "Dancing ‘round a dream,"

lines 18 to 44 could be rethought.
I love the Yoko image though.
and the way it bookends
 — SkaaDee

geez.. an actual constructive comment.. you know, instead of the horrible heckling that some people do. thank you for this. and very true - too long and too much blah blah blah. I've tried to shorten it and make it more succinct. Thanks again for reading and commenting.
 — frank2

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