(names float in old nights
Come turn and sing,
I cut this breast,
heart new, and
breathe water in full
worms swell in wet earth)
13 Jul 04
Rated 8 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (3): 5, 7, 7, 10
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I've read this a couple times now, and I'm still not sure I quite get it. It almost seems too vague or something. I want to like it, but in its current stage I feel like it is screaming to be let out of its poetic cage. I do like how you integrated the title with the poem though..."p.s." and then having the whole poem in parenthesis. I don't know if that was intentional, but it works well. I shall come back and read this again when I'm not so tired and I've had a chance to ponder some more.
meaning here is not clear to me.
It feels like a work in progress? I would say you're onto something here, but it is incomplete as stands; not enough substance.
It's a good start, but I feel that there could be much more.
oh, I'm lost. I didn't enjoy this one because I don't understand its meaning and like claudia said there could be more, much more.
I read this in a whisper, like you were telling someone a secret and it added a lot to it for me. Like Dave said, I like the p.s. and then the whole poem in parenthesis...I happen to believe it was intentional. I also think that is a bit in need of some kind of umpf though. I would take out the 'I' in l3. It isn't needed.
my comment is not important
Ananke, I will prelude this comment by saying that I love almost all of your stuff. I'm not a big fan of this poem. It's a little too concise for my taste. I've noticed that your comments on these contest poems have emphasized full ideas and sentences, but your poem is lacking of those. I know that you know what you're doing, but with this piece, I don't know what you're doing.
yeah, i have to say i echo taylorc's thoughts. and i hate worms.
ajsl;dkfjkas i love the last line. so much. forever. i really like this submission. good work.
you know, i keep coming back to this one, and like it more every time i read it. i hope you weren't discouraged by the earlier comments. it is hard to like a poem with little context behind it, but yours has something to it.... can't put my finger on it, quite, but i do enjoy it.
this is hot! yes! this rocked my world. reminds me of the legend of how the amazons would cut their right breast off on coming of age and/or falling in love. also i just like that it's not so blatant. a delicious moist mysterious unfolding.
*raises an eyebrow* This really lacks something! I think it may be sentence structure. Each line doesn't seem to have to do much with the other. I did like how there are the same amount of syllables and the same rhythm in the first line "name float in old nights" as there are/is in the last line "worms swell in wet earth." I'm sure that was on purpose; it's too coincidental.
Cutting breast? Does that mean like a surgoen cutting open a person? Or someone cutting a turkey breast? And does "to breathe water in full", mean to drown? Or to like a fish? *blub blub* Or does it even have to do with rain, like the last line seems to have to do with. Is the song that's being sung about the names that float? Like maybe is the song specifically written for someone? *shakes his head* I dunno. This is a hard one to decipher and enjoy. Each line has the letter "e" in it! Amazing!~Chris King
This has stood up the test of time!! bravo. You most def. rock.